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How can I send a plane ticket to my friend in Japan?

Family friend's funeral tomorrow. Should I fly in?

  • I am remarkably conflicted on whether to buy a plane ticket to attend a family friend's funeral tomorrow. Obviously I have to make this decision soon but I'm really struggling. A family friend passed away this week very suddenly. This friend is my parents' age and my parents have been friends with the couple since before I was born. Their kids are about my age. So I feel very connected to this family - but at the same time I was never extremely close friends with any of them, just family friends/acquaintances. So family friends, but not an especially deep bond. At this point I only see them once every 3-4 years, so we're fairly out-of-touch. There are no practical impediments to me going. Not that money should decide things like this, but plane tickets are available and remarkably cheap for a last-minute flight so I can afford it, and my flexible work schedule will let me travel back next week. So this is really up to my decision, there aren't practical reasons to stay or go. I really want to go and attend the funeral, and it's hard to articulate why. My parents are sad at the loss of their friend, but they are each other's support and are doing fine so they don't really need me there. When I talked to them today they said it's my decision and they don't have a strong opinion on whether I should come. I'd like to go support the family - particularly the kids who are close to my age - but they have lots of family and friends already in town who are emotionally closer to them so they don't really need me there. Really, I would go, attend the funeral, and briefly interact with the family, then leave them with their support network. I went to school with the kids but they have many closer friends than me in the area. Since I'm not especially close with any of them no one needs me there. Honestly I'd feel weird, like people would wonder why I bothered flying in on short notice to pay my respects to someone I'm not especially close to. But I'm still feeling really compelled to go just to quietly attend the funeral, briefly express my condolences to our family friends, then get out of the way. This is a family friend and great person that I've known my whole life, even if we haven't interacted in years and only sporadically before that. I've known their kids my whole life too and just want to show my face for a little while to let them know I'm thinking about their family. If the roles were reversed and they traveled to show up for my parent's funeral I'd be deeply touched even though we haven't seen each other in a long time. But at the same time, I feel like it's an overwrought gesture to fly in for the funeral and I'll stick out and leave them wondering "why did Tehhund come in? Was he really that close with our dad?" I guess I'm wondering - is it weird to go to lengths to attend a funeral for someone you care about and respect, even if you weren't especially close to them and their family? I guess this is more of a "send a card" level of closeness. Except by not going, I feel like I'm distancing myself from them and not paying my respects.

  • Answer:

    I think you should indulge your impulse. You don't have to be close to someone in order for them to be important to you. I would not see this as an overly dramatic gesture as long as you do it as quietly and minimally as you detailed above. There is nothing to be lost for making an effort to pay your respects. Your parents, and their kids will appreciate it, and you'll have satisfied yourself as well.

Tehhund at Ask.Metafilter.Com Visit the source

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Thanks all. I decided to go and bought the tickets. I'll quietly pay my respects to a great person and their family. And I'll bear in mind that the family have bigger things going on than talking to me or thinking about why I attended. I want to go, and I would be touched if the roles were reversed, so it seems like the right thing to do. If anyone thinks that it's odd that I went out of my way to grieve for someone I knew and show my support for their family, there's not much I can do any that, and it seems unlikely anyone would think that anyway.

Tehhund

posyblue

When my mother died many years ago, several friends of mine, including folks I hadn't seen in years, who knew her, made a point of coming to the service. To this day, I still remember exactly who came, and I still feel really good about the fact that my mother made such a profound impression on so many people. I was really touched, and it meant a lot to me, even if I didn't get a chance to say so at the time. In addition, the saying "funerals are more for the living than for the dead," isn't just about the fact that we go to funerals to support family members who are grieving. Human beings crave ritual, and it sounds as though you personally feel a pull to perform that ritual for this person. I think that if you feel that feeling, you should honor that feeling. It doesn't matter whether you or anyone else understands why you feel that way, but I think you should go if you feel like you want to.

decathecting

I don't think it's weird, and I think you should go. You don't need an excuse to attend a funeral. Nobody is ever going to be bothered that you went to great lengths to attend their family-member's funeral. You want to go, there are no significant barriers preventing you from going, so you should go.

ArbitraryAndCapricious

The people that stand out in my memory of my grandfather's funeral were the people I didn't expect to see. There were many people who came to support my mom who didn't know my grandfather much and hadn't been super close to my mom. It was touching that those people came out to show their support. Our family really appreciated everyone who came out.

Swisstine

You say you want to go. You should go.

modofo

Also, part of the reason that you want to go might be so that you can see your parents, because the sudden loss of their friend is a reminder of their own mortality. And that's ok, too.

ArbitraryAndCapricious

You want to go, you can go, so you should go. Go. We tend to trivialize ritual in mainstream US culture, but ritual is important. Reaffirming your connections to your family and your community during a difficult time is important. Showing that relationships matter to you and your family is important. Participating in activities that affirm the importance of those connections is important. Go.

jaguar

You know, this is going to sound a little strange. A couple of years ago, a person in my community who I always liked, but did not know very well, died suddenly. It was a busy time in my life: I could have gone to the funeral, but I had other things to do, and I didn't. And after the funeral took place, for some weeks, I felt bad about not going -- not guilty, not angry at myself, but notably more regretful about not attending the funeral than I had anticipated, or than I could reasonably have anticipated. And I just read this thread, and thought: "My gosh, I'm glad Tehhund is going to that funeral!"

Mr. Justice

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