Horrible Networking Experience -- Should I Keep Quiet?

Bob needs to know this info. As a contractor, I give at referrals frequently. It is very important to me to know how these referrals work out. I feel like my personal reputation is on the line when I give out a referral. I would 100%, absolutely want to know the truth about the referral. I am not saying that you should throw Jane under the bus, but you are doing a disservice to Bob if you white-wash your experience.

Contrary to most of the advice above, I would do the opposite of bland and vague. IF Bob is close with Jane - and I do think this is a big IF considering he is asking you for a debrief - his goodwill towards her will fill in the blanks in ways that are not good for you. I would tell Bob something along the lines of: "We didn't exactly hit it off. Jane said she was surprised that you thought we'd have much to talk about and she also said that she doesn't normally do these kinds of calls and only agreed to talk because she owes you a favor. I gave her a very brief summary of my background and asked a couple specific questions but she said she didn't really know what I wanted from her and asked me how much longer I wanted to talk. I am guessing I called at a bad time, since you know her to be tremendously helpful. She had me on speakerphone while typing and talking with people, so perhaps she was in the middle of a crisis. So yeah, unfortunately, this ONE lead did not work out. But I am SO very thankful that you've connected me with her!" Then immediately segue into some micro-success that you've had: "On a more positive note, I just had a great meeting with X! We talked about... " If you deliver the speech with a smile and close with a positive, you will not lose any points with Bob. By the way, in my personal experience, people with "giant professional networks" call everyone their best friend. I wouldn't put too much weight on Bob's choice of words - for all you know, you are his best friend too.

I think there are a lot of factual things you could say without being nasty- that she said she only did the call as a favor to him, that she didn't have any advice for you, that she seemed "rushed" and didn't have a lot of time to talk. Oh well, I appreciate so much that you went out of your way to put us in touch, Bob! Smile, shrug, go back to your salad.

I like "I think I called at a bad time, since I know you find her to be very knowledgeable and helpful." Which, for all you know, is true.

"Oh, it wasn't terribly useful. She seemed awfully busy and didn't have much perspective to add. So about that other thing..."

Dig deeper. Ask questions in order to see Jane through his eyes. Not all 'good contacts' are nice people; maybe Jane is a class A-1 bitch with MAJOR connections and no time for people at your level. She really owes you nothing of her time, and she really did it as a favor for Bob. (So they must have a really good relationship!) Bob sounds nice, though maybe over-invested in either you or Jane. (I don't ask people out for lunch "so what did you think of her?" when it comes to business contacts, so it seems weird.) Regardless, you can answer: "Well she seemed fairly hurried and terse. It seems like it was a big favor you pulled for me. I was hoping to get more questions answered than I did. How do you know her again? Is she always that pressed for time?" Then listen. Maybe he adores Jane for no good reason; maybe he knows she's bitchy and was hoping you'd catch her on a good day; anyways now you know his judge of character and scale your relationship with him accordingly. Maybe Jane is CEO and really doesn't take calls from people who are just breaking into the business. Anyways I think that whatever you hear from Bob will be really insightful in any case. Also if you encounter people like Jane again, you can always try to manage that and get them to warm up to you. Are you in consulting? You meet a lot of nasty 'no-time-for-you' people at higher levels of business and overcoming their resistance is an important skill. "show me why you're important" is their attitude and if you can impress them then maybe you'll get a foot in the door. Just a thought.

Whatever you say, avoid implying a personality conflict - this makes you look bad. Remember, Jane is Bob's friend and he owes greater loyalty to her than to you.

Tell him. That way he at least knows not to send anyone to Jane ever again. I'm also puzzled that Jane thought that her terrible behavior with you could be considered the "favor" that she owed Bob.

Nthing rada, KokuRyu, and Peeps. Any time someone presents themselves as having a "huge network" and gives you his "best friend" who is then obviously peeved about it – well, my 15 years of experience as a consultant who built a network from nothing in a then-foreign country (it's now my home) smells a narcissistic personality. Professionally speaking. I'm not going into psychoanalysis here. I've seen this before, and here's how it has always, always played out: - Bob knows everybody! He's worked everywhere! Have you seen his resumé? I've seen the resumés of this type - they never work in the same place for more than 2 years. Because that's more or less how long it takes for their show to be recognized for what it is. - Bob's best friend is awesome! You've got in touch with her. She wasn't happy about it. Given how vociferous she was with you as soon as Bob was no longer directly in the picture, she knows his style, and has been burned by it. She can't say that to someone she doesn't know, but she can see you as a risk, since Bob presented you. Don't worry too much about it, in any case. She had no reason to be that rude; it's better for everyone (you included) that she's not in your network. - Bob really wants to know how his best friend worked out! Possibility 1: Because he knows she's on to him, and if it didn't work out, you're an expendable source of information on that. Possibility 2: He's genuinely self-centered enough to think she said something nice about him, and you're an expendable source of information on that. Tread carefully. You are an expendable source of information. In your shoes, I would quietly back away from Bob, and quietly find another networking contact. Do not badmouth Bob. Do NOT badmouth Jane – I know "Jane", I have been "Jane" (though not rude), and let's just say that even rude Janes have more stable, long-lasting careers than Bobs. FWIW, I have a big, reliable network now, and would not present anyone as my "best friend". Here's why: someone who genuinely networks, knows that each relationship is a universe unto itself. Which means, a newcomer will create their own universes, with others. I do not want to meddle in others' relationships, especially not professional. I have occasionally, when it would be realistically good for everyone, recommended my most trusted contacts to newcomers, say Claire as an example, from whom I sense potential. First I'd speak with the trusted person, call him George, alone: "I met Claire the other day, she seems bright and serious about her work. Is it okay if I send her your way for questions?" If OK, I'd then say to Claire, separately, "I spoke with George, a [position] I've known for 9 years. George has been honest and straightforward in all the time we've known each other. I trust he'll answer any questions you have with the same sincerity and expertise." Followup is organic, because everyone's different. Usually George and I cross paths, he may or may not mention Claire. Claire and I cross paths, she'll probably mention George, probably positively, which wouldn't surprise me in the least, and would increase my esteem for Claire. It has happened to me that newcomers think George is an asshole, in which case, well, I quietly retreat from the newcomer. I would never make feedback from someone I barely know, into a lunch debrief. Relationships take time. People who rush are hiding something. This goes for professional and personal relationships. Gently back away. Look into Bob's background. I'd better dollars to donuts he's never been in a company for more than 5 years, and that the average is 2.