How do I rehabilitate my SO's image on a message board I frequent?

• I have for some years participated in a genberal interest message board I enjoy, where people frequently post personal topics. My SO has changed a lot since I first started posting about him, but people still seem to be influenced by first impessions of him. Can I 'rehabilitate' them somehow? Should I even try to? The board is a women's sort of gathering place type board where people talk about current events and stuff like that, but also general chatter aboout homes, jobs, families etc. There is a tendency to post more about stuff you need advice on, which is natual, I suppose (you seldom need advice about the stuff that's working!) and that's part of my problem. But the other part is that when I met him, we were both older and had some baggage we hadn;t worked throuugh yet. Once we got past the starry-eyed lovebirds stage, we did have some struggles with how to deal with this stuff sanely---there were reasons his previous relationships did not work out, and reasons why some of MY coping strategies either helped or didn't help the siutation. We stumbled upon (through advice from someone else) a fabulous therapist who has helped us both develop better coping strategies for the occassional tough thing, and to deal with our past baggage so we are better people both alone and together. We have come SUCH a long way and are actually really happy together 99% of the time, with the 1% we are not happy mostly the usual couple stuff that always comes up for anyone, or somebody being ill (this can be a big deal for him due to a health condition he has). We have just celebrated three years together, and are both in much better places than we were when we started. The problem is that the message board people still seem to be influenced by stuff I posted about him before we made all this progress and did all this work. So if I ever say anything about him, they jump all over it as 'well, he's always been difficult' or 'well, if he did something wrong, maybe you should leave him' etc. They (obviously) so not see the full picture of our lives, nor is it necessarily their business, but I wish I could post about him with more of a cleaned slate. I don't know if it is possible, or desirable, to achieve this. For what it's worth, the Boy thinks message boards (as a general concept) are stupid, and that the solution is to just stop posting there in the first place. But I find that my personality type is such that I do value this sort of advice/chat/gathering place. Sometimes, it is nice to hear how other people deal with problems. But if, every time I post about one, I am going top get jumped on about what a bad guy he is (which he is not!) I am losing that benefit. I have tried, unsuccessfully, to look for a new board elsewhere. I have not found one that has decent traffic and participation, and covers the range of topics this one does. So, what is the solution here?

• Answer:

  I think people have made a lot of great points so this is just to add to that even though it's a bit late in the game. I, too, was part of a similar online community for many years and can understand how it feels like so much like home to you. However, I have to agree with previous posters that it doesn't sound like the healthiest -- or at the least, happiest -- place for you right now. Should you decide to keep posting there -- and that's totally your choice -- I agree that either not mentioning your relationship or minimizing what you share would probably be best. It's super hard to do that but even harder to change people's minds: it's SO easy to sit behind a keyboard dispensing wisdom -- right? I mean, we're all there right now but I have to say that Metafilter is good at encouraging people to be self-aware while discouraging drama. People will definitely say DTMFA at times (like in terms of abuse which doesn't sound the case here at all) but I think people are also life-experienced enough to know that relationships are a two-way street and that no one's perfect. I don't know your relationship details but if you two could find a good workable solution through a therapist, then who's to say it's not working out?! Back to being behind the screen: in my particular community, most people had some very negative relationship experience so having a relationship that seemed "healthy" was very important in that it was a sign that we were all "better" and that we were truly living by the advice we were dispensing left and right. It turned out that many people were NOT in the healthiest of relationships themselves but that the environment made it hard to truly be honest -- as you said and others have said, when we're in a rut, we are painfully honest and sometimes the sharing comes back to haunt us (even as we come to understand and accept the complexities, others may not. And that's OK, just hard for you!) I would certainly hope that those in your community are having healthy and happy relationships but some (many?) are not and perhaps their anger is partially a projection. Life is complicated and it's hard, if not impossible, to truly comprehend online, as much as we may share! I eventually left the community, although it took a few tries over a few years. I'm glad to have joined Metafilter as it enables me to enjoy participating in a messageboard but with a bit more distance (and maturity!) than the other one. I have kept in touch with my closest buddies from the other community -- most of whom I've met in person and all of whom I feel are truly understanding and mature when it comes to the complexities of relationships. I rarely give out advice to friends or students (I'm an educator) unless they ask and, even then, am really careful about what I say or how I say it. (I get the irony of my posting advice here right now, haha, and that's OK!) I would sincerely hope that the members of your community have matured, too, and give you the benefit of the doubt that you deserve but it doesn't sound like the case, sadly. In person, it'd be a whole 'nother story as it's mostly observational rather than the carefully curated written word. One more thing to consider in terms of your partner's POV: you say that he finds message boards stupid in general, which may be the case (even if it's a bit off-putting to hear. ;-) However, I have to wonder if it's more about his reaction to your being part of that particular community? He may not have read your posts or what not but he surely sees how you are feeling after posting or reading there. Of course, no one likes being talked badly about but perhaps the thing bothering him most is seeing you become unhappy after posting there and he's calling you out on it. (My partner does this to me -- and vice versa -- and it's been helpful in increasing my self-awareness, which is overall good but not always the strongest online because of the limitations of the medium.) Again, this is all more about sharing my personal experience in case you see any parallels rather than my assuming how your situation is, and I certainly understand all the positives that come with belonging to a tightly-knit online community. Best of luck to you, and you are welcome to PM me if you would like to discuss this a little bit more privately.