Refusing to validate client part of trauma therapy?

Mind games? She's playing mind games to help you "think for yourself" or whatever?!?!! Lazy. Gross. Darlin', just bounce.

I don't know what is common practice for most therapists, but from having been on the receiving end of trauma therapy (with perhaps 7 or 8 therapists over the last 23 years--maybe 2 of which were truly, truly helpful) for very complex trauma extending back into parts of my life before I had the ability to verbalize what was happening, I have never encountered a therapist who refused to validate my experiences. Some of them would tell me that they had seen a lot of the type of effects that I was experiencing. Some of them would say that they hadn't necessarily seen the effects, but had read about or studied it. Some of them would even say that they understood how trauma could create that effect in/on me, even if they had no direct experience in their practice. My point is, it seems unnecessarily cruel for a therapist to refuse or even so systematically resist validating your experiences. There is gray area, yes, but some abusive/traumatic things are decidedly not in that gray area and if you have no baseline and need one, your therapist should, imo, be providing one. If my therapist responded like yours, regardless of how much progress I had made, I would feel very unbalanced. It would most likely lead me to find another therapist.

It sounds like something really big happened in the most recent session - you took a big scary risk of asking for support and her response made you feel like she was angry/rejecting. Since overall this has been a very helpful relationship, I would suggest that you hold off judgement until you see her again. One possibility is that having had time to think about, she would now be able to explain to you what she is doing and why she believes it is helpful. Another possibility is that she messed up. If she is a good therapist and she sees she messed up, she should be able to own that and talk about it with you, allowing you to share how her behavior affected you and the end result might be extremely therapeutic - you get to be in a relationship with someone who cares about you, messes up and then the two of you can repair the relationship. Of course, the third option is that you come out of the next session feeling even worse than before, in which case you should seriously consider if you want to work with a different therapist going before. But don't make up your mind which possibility is true until you have a chance to talk to the therapist again. If she's been great up to this point, there is a good chance that you might be able to work this out with her in a positive way.

It's obvious you are a truly empathetic being. However. You are intensely overly concerned with this person's experience. I was with you through the first part of your update. But you lost me when you started reading into her side. She's a trained professional you are paying for a professional (degreed, licensed) service. Her words to you were beyond the pale for someone in her role, no matter how flustered she became. Plus, the bigger picture is that 200 sessions is a lot for dealing with trauma. Not too much! Even though everyone is different in their process, you are unintentionally describing a lack of progress with this treatment. I've been there. Everything else you're about in on point. You keep doing you! Just remember this is about your goals. It's about you. Anyway, this just could be a sign that this person has assisted you as far as she can on your journey. Nothing is "broken," rather, it's time to find someone to take the next steps with. Good luck.

I had a therapist like this and she is a nice person and would also try to point to how I was making some progress and whatever with all the talking, which is true. But gradually I realized that I was going into the sessions every time thinking to myself, what are the magic words to make her actually respond in a way that would be validating, instead of challenging me to think about it differently, which was generally her approach? I thought maybe one day I'd find the magic words and she would finally say, okay, I don't need to tell you to think about that in a different way, that was traumatic and here is what you can do to heal. Sometimes I felt like I was dealing with some kind of zen priest who was messing with me on purpose and if I kept going back enough times I would reach enlightenment with it. But there weren't any magic words or enlightenment, so I had to gracefully end things and find a new therapist. I really don't get how this kind of approach to therapy would be all that helpful for abuse and trauma survivors, to be honest. It has been my experience that a lot of effects are trauma are physical and if you have stuff like bad anxiety and insomnia, I would recommend hard exercise (cardio), yoga (stick with it - I'm serious), and finding a new therapist who specializes in trauma/abuse.

Both the current counselor and the previous one (who told you that you had not experienced abuse) don't sound like they're a good fit for a trauma survivor. Trauma and abuse can be so distorting for survivors. Many survivors need affirmations to counteract and correct the distortions. There are counselors who will be far better fit out there for you. Please go find one of those. Nothing about this approach sounds healing or strengthening. You can learn to trust your inner voice and think for yourself while also being validated by a trained therapist. You don't need to endure a tough-love, withholding approach. You are not the only one who can help you. A good therapist can also help you. That's why people go. Good luck and I hope you find someone who can guide you through the next step in your healing.

I saw my counsellor. I'd left her a very brief message to tell her I thought I had trauma. She was very kind and compassionate and she must have validated everything I said about the last session. She didn't minimize my experience and she was so supportive. It was a really rewarding experience and we got into a lot of stuff I probably couldn't have told her (about the therapeutic alliance) otherwise. I think, in some ways, we might move forward faster now. I could tell you more, but I probably don't need to write it all here. She said I was very brave to come back in and talk to her when I was so traumatized and that most people would have walked. I said I thought I'd had very few opportunities in my life where there was an upset and the other person tried to repair things and I wanted to see what would happen, as I felt there was the opportunity for it to be positive. I could tell she felt devastated that I'd been traumatized by what happened and also by my past trauma coming in. It turns out that had only been 10 minutes of the last session. "But, for you, that was the whole session," she said. We didn't get into the piece about the validation, as we agreed that, right now, we needed to talk about the delivery or process of last session more than the content. But she assured me we will collaborate in finding a solution. That being said, I'm not sure entirely about that piece - the validation piece - and I may be back with another question or two here. Thank you all for your kind words and support. I used the replies from every one of you over the past couple of days. I still need to recover, but you were all very helpful.

ignorant about the ways that trauma can shape our perceptions of relatively benign interactions. When a woman tells me someone hurt her, I take her word for it. My experience of trauma is that it made me feel like I wasn't allowed to have needs, or to say "Ouch! You hurt me. Stop it." What might seem like a benign situation to another person is not experienced as a benign situation to the hurt person; and implying that what she went through was an OK and acceptable lapse on the therapist's part feels like it is blaming the sufferer here. It took me a long time to unlearn that idea about not having needs, and not speaking up when hurt; and the process was unnecessarily prolonged due to a therapist who was unskilled in her trade and/or triggered by the issues I brought into the room, and unable to keep her shit together. It took me a long time to realize that I need to believe myself, and advocate for myself. I would rather see the OP err on the side of advocating for herself, and calling the therapist out, and holding her to a higher standard of care, than asking the OP to second-guess her feelings and reactions, when she is ALREADY in a state of distress and distrust about what is "real" and what is not. OP, please do update us.

It sounds to me like you are valiantly trying to do two jobs -- yours, and hers. If it feels appropriate, using your own words, you could tell her something to the effect: "You failed me in our last session. What you did didn't meet my needs. You hurt me. What are you going to do to make things better?" And then sit back and watch and listen. Either she can step up and come forward and make it right for you, or she can't/won't. Make her work for you.