Please help me stop talking like a female chauvinist sow.

The best general tip is to delete your first comment and return later and see if you still feel the need to comment. We all make the mistake of making threads about ourselves. Stepping back will solve some of this issue. It is commendable to be aware of how you're perceived online and that sensitivity can go a long way. Take it further by deeply considering your words before hitting 'post.'

You sound like you're being really hard on yourself. The self-castigation seems really high in this question, did you recently have an embarrassing incident? That's how we all learn, and it's OK. I don't think anyone's going to suggest therapy for this or suggest you're "obviously" screwed up. These ways of talking are pervasive and natural (doesn't mean they're good; but it is natural for our brains to connect the dots and attempt to make novel situations fit the patterns we most commonly encounter)--in fact, I'd suggest putting your foot in your mouth and making assumptions about what is normal for you is a pan-human, cross-cultural phenomenon we all have in common. What's great is that it sounds like you're identifying that there is a problem and trying to fix it. You sound like a sensitive, kind person who wants to do the right thing but is noticing a disconnect between how you were brought up and the language used by the people whose values resonate with you now. Honestly, the way which works best to make it natural is to actually have it become normal for you. I got much better at doing these sorts of things without even thinking about it when I went away to a different part of the country to college and met all kinds of people who did not at all fit the molds I had already learned. It's not always practical or possible to actually self-immerse, though. So you do what you can. I'm sure other people will be along with suggestions for blogs to read and podcasts to listen to. I'm with Jessamyn on needing to pick your battles and not let the perfect (always using the most activist language, no matter the audience) become the enemy of the good (effective communication with the actual individual you are trying to have a conversation with). And when you screw up, you apologize, and you let that embarrassment help you next time. It's OK. One of the simplest things I've noticed a lot of people doing, which I was very late in adopting, was using the http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Singular_they as a non-gender-specified alternative to "he" or even "she," e.g. "My spouse and I got married ten years ago. They still bring me flowers on our anniversary." Yes, it's grammatically incorrect according to older standards, but it's an easy way to avoid the (IMO) greater evil of exclusion. Another knee-jerk thing that I've been trying to teach myself to avoid is to shift my "easy" topics for small talk. For instance, a pretty common conversational tactic is something like asking a teenage boy you don't know well "So, do you have a girlfriend?" He may very well have a boyfriend, but you just reminded him about your set of assumptions. So you go to something else, like "What's your favorite class in school right now?" The past few years' economy has been bad for nearly everyone, and I found myself encountering more and more people who didn't have jobs, or who didn't have jobs that at all encompassed their identities, through no fault of their own. So I took to asking at parties some variation of "So, what do you like to do?" or "So what sorts of things are you interested in?" instead of the typical "What do you do?" to avoid reinforcing the message that they were defined by their paycheck. Little things like that will probably go a long way. Finally, when you encounter these things yourself--knowing how difficult they can be from experience--give other people the benefit of the doubt, which you probably already do. When people accidentally assume that, as a scientist, I must be a man, I usually gently correct them and move on. Obviously there are people who will be a jerk about it, but most people mean well and will try harder next time. We're all part of the system and it's hard to fight that conditioning, but we do the best we can.

It's hard to answer this without bringing in your history here, so forgive me if I'm overstepping, but I'm looking at your latest follow-up and thinking, "OK, that's that thing she does that makes me feel like she's not paying attention to what anyone else is actually saying." And I really think that's where you're getting tangled up, because screwing up gender/relationship status/etc. is fairly common and doesn't have to be a big deal; what gets people's backs up is when one starts telling them who they are, or spending all one's time describing one's self, rather than listening to them describe themselves when they're asking for help. I think there are three basic places from which to answer a question: "You should...", "I have..." and "What if...?" I know that you've switched from "You should" to "I have," which I think is positive, but it's still a premise in which the answerer can very easily project all their own baggage onto the questioner and can shut down further exploration. "What if you tried X?" opens up the conversation more. I participated in a classroom discussion about race in which we were paired with different people to ask each other about various cultural traditions and such. I discovered that with people who seemed very different from me, I paid a lot of attention to all the nuanced ways we were different; with people who seemed very similar to me, I tended to tune out all the ways we were different and assume we shared the same beliefs and habits and such. It was really eye-opening to see how easily I stopped listening when I thought I already knew what the other person was saying, and therefore how much I missed of the actual content they were sharing. Since then, I've been much more consciously assuming that anyone talking to me (or posting online) is very much not-me, because that helps me listen/read in a way where I don't just gloss over the individual situation in favor of making an ego-gratifying "I know the answer!" remark. There's a humility required to listen well, and that humility goes a long way toward pre-emptively smoothing over any missteps.

I am hard on myself because I believe in things like "be the change you wish to see in the world" This is a favorite of mine too and at the risk of being didactic, here's a thing I trot out when I'm giving talks to libraries, trying to help them get stuff done that they think is outside of their wheelhouse or otherwise really difficult. The real quote is longer and, I think, even more affirming and inspirational. Let me copy and paste here....Gandhi is quoted a lot as saying "Be the change you want to see in the world", but it's a bit of a paraphrase of his longer statement. "We but mirror the world. All the tendencies present in the outer world are to be found in the world of our body. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him.... We need not wait to see what others do." So it's partly being the change but it's also being confident and mindful that as you are being that change, the things you want to change are slowly sometimes imperceptibly, budging. And finding ways to celebrate that and enjoy it even as you try to continue to work, is also part of it. Because in reality we are all part of the world and so as we change, it changes. Not fast enough for my liking and definitely not fast enough for people who are getting a really raw deal, but it moves. I was at ComicCon over the weekend in Vermont, just a teeny con, first time in the state, and seeing all the people in their costumes, and seeing a lot of people choosing to play people who weren't their gender or build or race or whatever, and seeing that be okay, with everyone, was affirming. I go into that stuff all squint-eyed waiting for people to be terribly or give the transgender Grumpy Cat a hard time and it's difficult sometimes to notice the absence of dis-ease in these things, among people who are so often used to getting a bunch of crap from a bunch of people. And so my other advice besides being kind to yourself about this, is to try to find and enjoy and hold close those moments and seeing if you can, in quiet times, see them multiply and then you know that what you and everyone else is doing is slowly, inexorably, but certainly, working.

I'm not gonna claim this is a perfect way that always works for me, but it helps: - I learned/am learning a couple of sets of http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender-specific_and_gender-neutral_pronouns - I try to think of folks as people first and only afterward assign or use a more specific pronoun for them - I try to actively prevent myself from asking questions of people that are related to or adjacent to traditionally gendered roles. So instead of crassly asking (and I'm not saying you do, but it sounds like you are worried you might) "Who's the woman in the relationship?" when talking to a gay couple, if I've the impulse to find out the answer to this obviously vital ( :) ) question, I'd say something more like "I really enjoy doing the dishes, don't you?" or I'll say something me-incriminating or me-involving first, like "My sweetie and I try to divide the housework equally but sometimes she's at work all night and I have to do the dishes. Do you have this problem at home? How do you sort it out?" - Mostly I just try not to ask these kinds of questions or have these kinds of conversations. Because it's really no skin off my ass who does the dishes at Steve and John's house and it's nothing I need to be concerned with. So maybe that's the first thing I do? Figure out what's my stake in it, why I might want to know and ultimately is it my business anyway? - And that morphs also into thinking/stating opinions. If I figure I don't have any business asking, do I then have any business positing my opinion? Answer again is usually not. I figure if folks wanted my opinion, they'd ask.

Can I just say that I enjoyed reading your question? Cro-magnon, HA! You seem hilarious, and etiquette manuals never were written with the colorful in mind (or maybe especially with the colorful in mind...?). It sounds like you'd rather tone it down though, which makes me wonder a bit--why? Is there s backstory to this?

This is a really good question, Michele in California. Sometimes I feel that thinking about "terminology, phrasing, best practices and thought processes" is exactly what makes it difficult to relate to others and get to know their feelings better. Sometimes we are so caught up in making a good impression, in getting someone to like what we say and therefore us, or in being a perfect listener catching every subtle hint, that we do not take the person for what they are. I compare it to school where we face pressure to take the most random phrases and dissect it in a new way none of our peers have to get the best marks. At times we really stretch assumptions because we want an "A" so badly, and we know our interpretation will goes over well in the class. In real life though it is not about good grades, real life scores us on very different things. If you meet a new person, try to take them on their own terms and to not inject any deeper meaning in the words they say (perhaps they themselves are struggling to come across in a pleasing light which will throw off a strangers analysis). At times this strategy works out well, and at other times the person does not feel comfortable with you because they are used to meeting someone who tries to uncover the secret meanings in their words and unlock how they really feel. Maybe because they do not know the answer and need genuine help, which even a professionally trained stranger cannot do on first meeting, or because in this way they are the centre of attention which is an ego boost. You have no way of knowing their personality. For some (on both sides of the equation) this is a very exhausting kind of relationship. For others it is symbiotic and both parties get pleasure out of it. If you are not comfortable in this role definitely take a step back. And realize no matter what approach you take there will be those who dislike you. Even if you do everything with kindness and respect you will attract a lot of people who simply dislike you for no "reason". And that is fine. If you suspect you cannot deal with someone without accidentally insulting them, before you decide to just not engage with them at all, think about how you can engage with them in a way where your desire to establish yourself as smart, witty, caring etc. takes backstage to just listening and facilitating what they have to say. If you still feel uncomfortable in that role, or think that even if you try you will upset someone, then avoid getting too deep into the conversation. In real life, this would mean taking a more passive listening role, and I guess on the internet it would mean avoiding comments in certain topics. It is frustrating with the latter because sometimes we really want to say something that we are passionate or sure about - believe me I have felt that way many times - but sometimes the immediate thrill of getting it all out is not worth the amount of argument or hurt that could result. In a way it is about picking your battles, no only in terms of the good will you can generate or lose amongst your peers (whether online or in real life), but also in terms of your energy which is precious and should not be expended on futile squabbling. This makes me think of situations where people will ask loaded questions like "what did you major in" / "where do you work" because they are trying hard to force a connection and get the new person to talk about themselves (not out of maliciousness). Or, they want to manufacture a conversation where the asker can talk about their own subject of interest (again not out of maliciousness). None of these lines of discussion take the other person being asked the question on their own terms. I use this example to suggest that instead of trying to direct conversation, or make comments that change the course of conversation, it can create more goodwill to take a more laid back and gentle approach, by letting others speak and building respectfully on that.

I think turning down the attachment to the images in your mind of what something must be and instead looking out your eyes and tuning your vision and hearing towards better understanding what the situation in front of you is trying to say is helpful. basically, objects exits in your mind, subjects exists in reality in front of you, focus more on the subject, less on the object. At least that's something I try to do everyday in my own life that makes a huge difference in lessening the number of assy things I say.

Not sure how to say this without sounding harsh but, avoid boxes. Those primary things like sex and gender and inclinations are so common. Basically, every human being is gendered in some way. Ignore that noise. I try to relate to people on the basis of smaller sets like Dr. Who fandom or having a green thumb or being really insecure about being the only monolingual person in their family. And don't be so hard on yourself. I am a woman. I am not a fan of chocolate. Every server ever who has tried to sell me a dessert has started with the chocolate dessert. That's not really denying my identity, but it's still something that would irk me if I didn't just let it go. The worst you do is probably assume the lady would like the chocolate. And then you apologize and ask about the cheese plate or apricot tart. Apologies count for a lot. Compare yourself to the server who just knows that all women really prefer chocolate, and women who ask for something else have an eating disorder or are trying to compete with other women by being that special fraulein who'd rather have caramel.