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How does the declination change as you move north from where you live?

Please help me decide if I should move back to NYC from SF

  • Can't decide if I should move back to NYC from SF. Please help me find some new ways to think about the problem. I'm having a really hard time thinking this through. Even if you don't necessarily have any advice for me, maybe you can help me think about the problem in a different way. Right now I'm just totally stuck, and the more I think about my situation, the harder the decision becomes. Me : 36, single, hetero male, software engineer, well-read, reasonably attractive, extroverted, physically fit. My story : Lived in NYC for 7 years, moved to SF 5 years ago. In January, my girlfriend of 2.5 years dumped me. The experience was harrowing. She was my first real girlfriend, and certainly the only person I've ever loved. I've been hating myself all year because I clearly screwed up the relationship by not listening to her. I spent the year being massively depressed and drinking heavily. I had a therapist who wasn't terribly helpful. In October, I decided things needed to change, so I found a new job and took a few weeks off between jobs to travel. Had a spiritual experience in Peru, and since then, I've been a light drinker. (I should mention that I never had a problem with alcohol before this year.) Anyway, since I've been back, I've been nowhere near as depressed as I was before the trip, but I'm still depressed. I've been at the new job for a month, and it's not as great as I'd hoped it would be. Although it pays well, the commute is vicious, and it turns out they massively misrepresented the kind of work they wanted me to do. Why I want to move back to NYC : I miss NYC. I felt truly at home there. I'm pretty sure I'm more of an NYC person than an SF person. I still have a solid group of friends in NYC. There's a strong demand for my skills there -- I can't imagine it would take more than a few months to find a job. The recent influx of tech workers seems to have thrown the Bay Area gender ratio way out of whack, and I feel like I'd stand a better chance of finding a girlfriend in NYC. NYC has more of the cultural events that I enjoy (art, music, theater, fashion, dance, various fun social events), and the culture in general seems to be of a higher caliber. I miss NYC's amazing public transportation and short commute times. I don't particularly want to have children. Why staying in SF may be a good idea : I used to love SF back when I was happy and had a girlfriend. I have an amazing apartment; whatever apartment I find in NYC, it will probably be more expensive and not as nice. Although I haven't been able to find a solid group of friends in SF, I'm part of several different "groups", and I regularly get invited to stuff. I have a well-paying job. Although the demand for my skills is strong in NYC, it's probably stronger in SF. I don't have an apartment or job lined up in NYC. Moving will be expensive -- besides having to physically move my stuff across the country, it may take a few months to find a new job. Even though I've got a solid group of friends in NYC, most of them are now married or are in serious relationships. It's hard to know exactly how bad my chances are in the SF dating scene. I haven't been able to find any solid numbers on the male/female ratio for heterosexuals in their 20s and 30s in SF. Perhaps the only reason I'm still single is that I spent the better part of the year as a depressed habitual drinker? Why I may need to move really soon : Since I've only been at my current job for a month, I obviously don't want to put it on my resume. So, the longer I wait to find a new job, the longer of a gap there will be on my resume. I realize the "smart" thing to do would be to line up a job before I move. However, I tend to panic in the interview room, so I usually need to interview at a bunch of places before I start getting offers. If I try and line up an offer before I move to NYC, that could take a really long time, plus it may be difficult to fly out for interviews since I haven't accrued much vacation time. My hope is that, upon arrival in NYC, I'll put my resume out there, and boomboomboomboomboom do as many interviews as I can until I start getting offers. I typically don't have any trouble getting interviews because I've had some very strong work experiences. Another factor : one of my friends will be moving to SF in January, and I can sublet my apartment to her with the option of reclaiming it if I ever want to move back. Sure, I could sublet my apartment to someone else, but I trust this friend a lot. My reasons for trepidation : January is so soon! Moving is so scary! So much personal upheaval! Moving without having a job lined up seems like a terrible idea! Maybe I only want to move because it represents an escape! Maybe the SF dating scene isn't as bad as I think! Maybe NYC won't be any better! My reasons for excitement : YAAAAAAY NYC!!! I miss it so! I have money saved up and could go without a paycheck for a few months if I had to! Maybe I'm only afraid to move because I'm afraid of change! I've been depressed as hell this past year, and I still can't stop thinking about my ex. I feel like a move could be just the "shock to the system" I need. Certainly it would be nice to live someplace with a normal male/female ratio, and where every damn thing didn't remind me of my ex. I know the conventional wisdom is that geographic cures don't work, that I should learn to love being alone, blah blah blah move on find a hobby see a therapist read this book try these pills blah blah blah etc etc. Only thing is, sometimes a geographic cure totally does work! It's quite possible that I'm living in the wrong place. I don't expect moving to fix my depression, but there's a chance it could help. I miss NYC!

  • Answer:

    Let me paraphrase what I'm hearing back to you: NYC: HERE ARE THE AWESOME THINGS I LOVE SF: things are kinda sorta ok here, maybe they can get a bit better even So move back already. Yes, moving is an expense if you can't find a company to relocate you but this is one of those cases where money can probably buy happiness (or at least increase your odds in finding it).

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How often are you in New York nowadays? The city has changed a lot since you moved to SF, and social circles move on. If it were possible to move to NYC 2009, I'd say, yeahhhh, go for it! But it's impossible to know whether this is actually a good move for you, right now. Could you go spend a few weeks, look at the rental market, talk to recruiters, etc. and see if New York is still a place you'd want to live?

Sara C.

Eh, I'm going to go (slightly) against the grain here and remind you that "wherever you go, there you will be". You've said it yourself, you used to love SF when you were in a relationship and your life was great. What NYC represents to you now is "when things were easy", and SF is a constant reminder of when things suck(ed). I'm not necessarily saying not to move back - howeverrrr, you should brace yourself for your life (and mood) not magically improving just because you're somewhere else. I did a very similar thing in 2002. My dad died, I'd just moved back to Luxembourg, I felt AWFUL, so of course I thought if I moved back to the UK (where I'd studied and been happy - cuz, you know, no dead dad yet) everything would be fixed. Guess what, I was still miserable in the UK. It was my head I had to fix, not my living situation.

ClarissaWAM

people who are unemployed become unemployable because of the bias in the job market. ... software engineer ... NYC Incorrect. Just move back. If your cab drives close enough to Flatiron you'll probably find a job on the way from the airport.

Potomac Avenue

Secretly, I would go home in a heartbeat, if I could. California is not New York. Bon Voyage! You lucky bastard!!

jbenben

It sounds like you have allllmost made up your mind to move to NYC but you are scared and you want someone to give you both permission to pull the trigger and confirmation that it will work out OK. Looks like you're getting both in this thread. But since you asked how to think about this decision, here are some other things to think about. Wherever you end up, don't blame external factors like "the male / female ratio" for your dating life. There are lots of great single women in the bay area. Take responsibility for your own happiness, including when it comes to dating. Also, if you're inclined to move, move back this one time and then quit moving. You've seen what happens when you move to a new city - you leave your social network behind and it's difficult to find a new one. And SF is pretty damn great with respect to all those cultural factors you listed; NYC may be better, but there are maybe a handful of cities in the entire country that are competitive with SF in that regard so your options are pretty limited anyway. Stick around somewhere, really invest time and effort in your social network and your happiness, and don't look for an escape hatch in the form of another move.

Joey Buttafoucault

I know everyone is telling you to move back but I want to give you a different way to think about it. This kind of links up with what Sara C. said -- consider not moving if the things you're missing in SF might not be restored to you in NYC. I used to live in a small Midwestern college town and then I moved to SF. I hated it! In my old town, people hung out in large mixed groups; in SF, people had individual acquaintances. In my old town, I went out with girls who were already part of my crowd of friends; in SF, I had to start relationships by going on dates. By the last year I was in my old town, I felt like I knew a lot of the people who were doing cool things, and people knew me & thought I was interesting; I lived in SF for five years and never felt like I really was "part of" the city or even a significant social subset thereof, I just occupied space there. Boy did I want to move back to my old home! So I did!! But so much of the stuff I had liked wasn't there anymore!!! BLEAGH!!!! It wasn't as bad as SF (it's easier to feel "significant" in a town where you used to be in a punk rock band with the mayor) but it definitely wasn't the life I'd been nostalgic for. When I lived before in this small Midwestern college town, I was IN COLLEGE. That's what I was associating with "the lifestyle here" that I liked. I could get some of that back by returning to my friends who hadn't left, but mostly I was shut out of the active college campus social scene. Do you actually miss NYC or do you miss a certain kind of lifestyle that made you feel like you're "part of" the City? Will you be able to climb back into that life if you move back, or are your social entries disappearing? Are you just counting on friends to make everything better, or are there other things that you'll enjoy about daily life? (And to echo Sara, are those things still around in NYC? 'Cause it's my impression that, for instance, Manhattan has completely "died" as a place regular people can live the traditional New York City experience in.)

Harvey Kilobit

I felt truly at home there. THIS. SF is nice enough, but you can't beat a place that feels like home to you in your bones. Move back. You're young and have few things that are nailing you to the ground. Go make your life in a place where you feel best.

quince

Don't move before you have a job. I am telling you, people who are unemployed become unemployable because of the bias in the job market. So keep your job, follow the advice above about saying you are doing contract work, and then move after you get an offer. If you love New York, you should be there.

Bella Donna

Hi! Come back! I did and I don't regret it!

dame

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