How to quit without being a jerk

I think you're imagining that a "normal" situation in a business is "everything is going perfectly because everyone is here 100%, fully trained, etc". Kind of like imagining that your "normal" commute should be twenty minutes, because that's how long it takes when you're driving it at 2am and there are no cars on the road. So you're thinking that if you leave, you're pushing your company into an "abnormal" situation, messing things up, etc. When you leave, yes, you may make things hard for your colleagues, a bit. But you know what? Stuff like that is always happening. It sucks, and a well-run company won't be organized such that one person's absence brings everything down like a house of cards, but dealing with someone who leaves while they still have a project going on is a fact of life. That's just how life works, because most people always have projects so if they ever leave at all they'll be leaving in the middle. The difficulty of compensating for the loss of a colleague is a normal part of workplace life. It's par for the course. Document what you're doing for this conference, leave good notes, try to leave it so that someone else can pick up. But that's all you've got to do.

It will be hard, but just work like you're not leaving. Do your job just like you would normally. You aren't leaving anyways until you have a new job in hand. But when you do find a better job for yourself, you put in a reasonable notice, get your transitions in order and go. Honestly, this is business and that's just how it works. It may cause some hard times at your old employer, but they are professionals and will deal with it and once they have hired your replacement and gotten them up to speed, they won't even remember you. Do what is best for you and be professional with your employers. Try not to feel bad. It's hard, but it is how the system works. You need to not feel like you're letting them down by leaving. You're doing what is best for you and them because it is better for them in the long run to hire someone who wants to be there...

What jumps out at me is that you've been looking for a job for several months WHILE EMPLOYED, without success, and yet your husband is encouraging you to quit without something else lined up. These two statements don't go together. If it were a simple thing for you to find another job you would have found one by now. Apparently it's not so easy, even without the disadvantage of having just quit a job, so don't quit without something else lined up. I know it feels good to think about just quitting when you are burned out. Think about it if it feels good, but don't actually do it.

I recently went through this. We were in the midsts of a huge restructuring of our corporate proprietary computer systems (going from a each site does what it wants to a standardized system. This was a multi year long project and we were coming to the end of it. At the end we were scheduled to do it all over again with the business systems (billing and payroll), but this time I'd only have to worry about my own location instead of being on the team that migrated sites. In the midst of all this it was decided the building would be sold and we'd have to move our entire infrastructure and every computer and paper clip. There were also layoffs and furloughs and huge bonuses for executives, so it was a fairly toxic place to work. I started looking for new work. I found new work. I put in my notice. Sure, I felt like an asshole bailing when there was a lot of work to be done, but my mental (and physical) health was more important, and the work wasn't going to stop, I saw a nice uptick in my wage, and I got back 2 hours of commute every day (and no on call!). I spent too much time trying to figure out the best way to quit. In the end I wrote:Supervisor, I will be leaving my position effectively March 1st. I thank you for the opportunities extended to me over the last X years. I believe I have made a positive impact, and hope you agree, Sincerely, MeWorking the next two weeks was easier than I expected. I refused to take on anything new. I stopped putting up with bullshit. I focused on wrapping up the project I could, passing on the ones I couldn't, and saying goodbye to those who I would miss. You just need to keep reminding yourself you didn't create the situation that makes you want to move on and you didn't create the situation that will make it suck for others if you leave. They will survive. No one is as essential as they think they are and they may gripe, but you need to look out for you!

Don't worry about the project and where it's at when you're ready to leave. People leave jobs all the time with varying levels of notice, and you have to realize that everyone is replaceable. Let me repeat this. Everyone. Is. Replaceable. Your decision on timing of when to leave should be about taking care of yourself, and not trying to make the transition completely seamless. Your company's responsibility is for the latter.

The best thing you can do for this organisation is make yourself replaceable by documenting your job for the next person to hold it. Do this while looking for a new job, which you will hopefully find before reaching your internal deadline for quitting.

It will be infinitely harder to find a job while unemployed. People are incredibly biased against unemployed people when hiring. Do not do not do not quit without having already accepted another offer. Searching for another job while unemployed is not easier; it is incredibly demoralizing and almost always takes longer than you think it will/should. Don't quit without an accepted offer. As for current job, don't feel even the slightest bit of worry about screwing them over. What if you got incredibly sick tomorrow, and had to leave? Or, more optimistically, won the lottery and moved to a tropical paradise? Their lack of redundancies and continuity planning is not your problem. It's nice of you to feel concern for your colleagues, but the most professional and helpful thing you can do is, as you said, don't leave before you leave, and document immaculately. In a best case scenario, you get a new job and don't have to do the conference, and you've left behind incredibly well-organized records and documentation of processes and current statuses, and can hand that off to your colleagues/your replacement during your two weeks' notice. That would make you a real mensch, but even if you don't do that, they will muddle along just fine whenever you leave.

Oh. I really think you should put all your extra effort into finding a new job. Yes. Quit in November, if it comes to that. And just... No. No. No. No. That conference and the way your workplace is structured is not your problem. Yes, plan to escape before it gets crazy. I mean, is there a possibility it'll be easier this year because you had experience last year? Argh! Now you've got me doing it!! Do you see how toxic and viral that line of thinking is?! Make getting a new job your only goal and pursue that. Good luck!!

The event will be easier this year because you've done it before. Don't quit without something lined up. Do put holiday time on the calendar now with your employer for post-conference R&R. Slow your roll. Do you job with focus. Don't allow yourself to get run over by stress. Take solid chunks of time during the day to focus on the duties of preparing for the conference then force yourself to move on to other things and ignore the conference the rest of the day. Lastly, don't quit now to make things "easier" on your employer. It really doesn't matter when you quit, they'll suck it up, find someone else or make a change.