How to talk about life insurance without paranoia?

In the absence of evidence to the contrary, people tend to assume that other people are like them. So your husband may think that, given a proper incentive, he would kill you. Get him into therapy or get away from him.

My husband immediately bristled, announcing to our 10 year old daughter that he does not have life insurance because he thinks I will try to kill him off if he does. My daughter sat in shock as I asked my husband if he truly thinks of me as so unloving, heartless and immoral. He said it was clear that I am such a person, as evidenced by my comment. I realise you were shocked, but for the love of God don't expose your daughter to this kind of... this is horrible, and now she can't unknow her father thinks so little of her mother. Please leave this man. Please do not live a life that demonstrates to you daughter that it's OK to stay with someone who doesn't love you and thinks and says awful things about you. And yes, your family should have life insurance, but that is so not the most pressing issue.

The only circumstance I can imagine in which your husband's beliefs wouldn't be completely insane is if you've actually attempted to murder him at some point in the past.

You know this isn't about Life Insurance right? Your husband sounds mentally ill. Broach the subject of couples counseling so that you can discuss these topics with a neutral third party. But seriously, start making plans for separation and divorce because no rational person would stay partnered with an irrational man.

Also, the way you discuss this with a rational person is, "We don't buy life insurance for ourselves, we buy it for our children."

I also feel compelled to add that when homicide is put on the table as a possible outcome of the relationship between two people, you can't really take that back. That is now a thing that is out in the open and at play. I would just flat out not feel safe and not feel my daughter was safe, either. I am a huge fan of marital therapy, but it's something I would only consider engaging in when everyone was safe. This man does not seem healthy or rational, and I would get out and work from a place of safety. If there are firearms in the home or if your husband has access to firearms, doubly so.

Your husband's behavior is so full of red flags. I'm glad you asked. No, being concerned your wife might kill you for insurance money is not typical in healthy, safe, equitable relationships. Yes, excessive paranoia, possibly completely delusional. It's pretty clear you cannot actually engage him on this if he's willing to make your daughter think you want him dead. You are right to be heartsick, deeply hurt, and more. For the sake of your daughter, as well as yourself, please get some counseling. On your own to start with. You need objective, in-person help. If you have to ask this question, a fair chance there are other behaviors you've grown accustomed to seeing as typical. I grew up with a mentally ill parent, and partly because most of the other adults in my life tried to play down her behavior as eccentric or moody rather than what it actually was, it took me years to recognize her illness and properly protect myself. It would have helped me more if the other adults in my life had sooner called out the behavior as abusive and out of my control.

This is weird and irrational enough that I'm wondering if it's the only instance in which he's been really weird and irrational. Does this seem out of character? If so, does he have some sort of intense phobia of thinking about his own death or something like that? I'm trying to think of an explanation that would not be that your husband is deeply unhinged. People who have dependents get life insurance if they can afford it and can get it. It's part of being a responsible parent. The way that rational people think about this is "it is painful to think about the possibility that I would die while my kids were still young, and I think that would be a tragedy for them and my surviving spouse, but at least I can insure that it's not a financial calamity for them," not "oh no, this gives my spouse an incentive to kill me."

As everyone has said, no, this is not typical, reasonable, or acceptable. And I feel strongly that having children and no life insurance is irresponsible. You should start going to marital counseling. Go alone if he won't go. This is a big deal. And as far as that exchange in front if your child goes - you realize that was inappropriate on both your parts all the way through, right? His issues aside, "poking the bear" on sensitive marital issues in front of your kiddo is crappy.