How does a person change his relationship with toxic parents?

"This sucks, but in defense of your dad, I can sympathize with his trying to escape your bipolar mom." I totally had this feeling for my own father who cheated on my mentally ill mom. I now see his cheating was totally selfish and made her mental illness, and subsequent abuse of us kids, so so much worse.

You said it yourself: "I don't want to be around my parents." So from now on, never be around them. Cut off all contact with them. That really is the best way in cases like yours. Block them on your phone. Refuse to engage. Worry about yourself. It will seem hard at first, but you will feel so much better once you've done it. Both of my husband's parents are fucked up, mentally ill, narcissistic, highly dramatic boundary crossers. Cutting them out of his life entirely almost a decade ago has been the only viable solution. He's so much happier now. The bad feelings just faded away as he eventually forgot about them and went on living his life. Time heals. Our kids have never had to deal with their toxicity. So grateful for that. "on Monday, I went to see my therapist. She told me that I need to make sure my mom is taking her meds so that I can put her on a plane...." Glad you are in therapy - so good for you. However, your therapist was dead wrong about you "needing" to do anything for your mom, though. Her medication is just not your problem - she's not your child, and you're not her guardian. Time to have a frank chat with your therapist about what your real goal is, loud and clear: "I don't want to be around my parents" and tell your therapist not to give you shitty advice to go "save" your mother like that again, or you'll have to find a new therapist. Seriously - anyone who tells you that you "need" to go rescue your parents just does not comprehend the dysfunction.

jbenben, Thanks so much for your answer. Thankfully, none of the bills are in my name. So, I don't have many barriers to leaving besides this mental block I seem to have. I love my wife dearly, and definitely want to make sure we have the best life together possible.

Parents are supposed to care for and protect their children. You had really terrible, toxic, neglectful parents who were either unable or unwilling to do that. This means that you have to protect yourself. It sounds like the best way for you to do that is to cut them off. Stepping (or running) away from this relationship may well be one of the hardest things you'll have to do, but it will also be the best. And if you find yourself feeling guilty for "abandoning" them, I would reframe it like this: It's not that you're abandoning them; it's that you're saving yourself, in the same way that your parents would have if they weren't such incredibly limited people. For me personally, I've found a way to reconcile with one of my parents, but with the other, I realized that until I let the relationship slide, I would just get hurt over and over again. Sometimes I feel a tinge of regret, but I realize that the regret is really about wishing for an alternate universe where my parent was a different, less-damaged person, because in the real world, there is no way for us to have a healthy relationship. Maybe you'll find a way to maintain very limited contact with your parents that isn't damaging to you, but if you can't, then it's absolutely okay to put yourself first. Again, if your parents weren't blinded by their own issues, this is what they would want for you as well, because at the end of the day, a parent's first priority should be the health, safety, and happiness of their children. The fact that this may not be the case with your parents is their failing, not yours.

I'm going to give you permission to extract yourself and your wife from a dangerous situation. These people are toxic and horrible and you should NOT have anything to do with them. Send the keys to the house back to your father. And change phone numbers, email addresses, etc. Your guilt will abate as the stress from the interactions from these people stops. You feel guilt because they keep telling you to feel guilty. Trust me when I say that the less you deal with any of their dysfunction, the less guilt you'll feel. Your instinct is to explain so that they know why. They will NEVER understand. They don't see that they've done anything wrong. So...let them think whatever they think. When you send back the keys to the house, simply state, "I do not want to care for your property any more." As for your mother, simply tell her, "I do not want to deal with you anymore." And then do the thing necessary to insure that you never have to deal with either of them again.

My advice: Stop reading Toxic Parents. It could further solidify your disdain for them instead of having more understanding. I read it and it made me even angrier and depressed. I don't think you need a book to prove that things were rough. Sure you have to go through hell to heal and all of that stuff, but that book does nothing positive, in my opinion. You have a mentally ill mother and an absent (for a time) father. They weren't the best parents and made mistakes. They're human and probably had more difficult childhoods. I think it's best, even if our childhoods were horrible and we didn't feel much love, is to understand that our parents loved us in the best ways they knew how. They loved you. How you live your adult life in none of your parents' business. You get to decide if you want to take care of the house or not. You get to decide when and where you will see them. You even get to decide that your mother's compliance to her medication is out of your control, because it is. You don't have to remain in a role of dutiful son. I've become uninterested in my unhappy childhood. I used to dwell on it. As if dwelling would make things better somehow or justify my unhappiness or anger. Many adults have needless suffering because we remain in a role of the unhappy child. At this time in your life (adulthood) it's your own attitude that perpetuates the suffering, not your parents actions. When you let go of the shame of the unhappy child, the guilt will disappear. Guilt and shame are intertwined. You have the power to approach the relationship with your parents in any way you choose. It is your own journey really and nobody can tell you what the right actions are, except stop reading Toxic Parents and choose more positive and enjoyable reading material, like good fiction. You're an adult remember, and should be in the business of living a happy life instead of dwelling on the past and reading depressing books.

My dad disowned me Christmas before last, about a month after my mom died. It has been such an amazing relief to have them both out of my life that it makes me wish I'd cut ties so completely before. I spent a lot of years managing our interactions, hoping for improvement, getting way too excited over small changes in how they treated me, lowering my expectations, trying to see things from their points of view. What a waste of effort and emotional energy. It's hard to manage mid-level boundaries around how often you see people, or how they'll treat you. Even on good visits, I was never able to relax and trust that something awful wasn't going to come out of their mouths. A different choice may be right for you, but from where I sit, dropping all contact & letting them know you won't be caring for their house anymore could be a really good experiment for you. See what life is like without them. Focus on enjoying the family you've made. It still hurts, in my experience, not to have parents who treat you well. But at least you aren't letting them constantly refresh the wound.

I am also the child of Asian immigrants who put an inappropriate amount of responsibility on me at a young age. Luckily for me, mental illness was not part of the picture, nor was the level of neglect as severe. And yet the only way I was able to cope and thrive was to do the following: 1) Create physical distance. Will you feel that you are abandoning them and your sisters? Is it likely that "bad" things will happen? Yes and yes. Therapy will help sort that out, but you owe it to yourself, your wife, and any future children to protect yourself and your mental health. 2. Acknowledge that they are abusive, even if they do love you and are ill, and be on the lookout on how that pattern has affected other relationships. Learn to recognize when that abuse is happening, and to extricate yourself when that happens. 3. With the strength gained from 1 and 2, establish a relationship on terms that are healthy for you. 4. Work together with your siblings to provide for a baseline level of care. You probably have more of a paternal relationship with them than is healthy. Seeing them as capable partners will enable you spread the burden. Also recognize that your parents have family and more resources than you think in their native land, especially in places where the US dollar goes a long way. Best of luck to you. Please MeMail me if you want to discuss any of this further.

Sit down with your wife and decide for yourselves how much you are willing to do for your parents. They are financially able to support a 2nd home in the US and flights back and forth, so they can afford maintenance on the home. Find 3 property maintenance companies, get prices, send the info to your parents and explain I am unable to take care of the house any longer. You'll get a torrent of anger. Ignore it. The house is a thing. Your Mom is mentally ill and, as part of her illness, is not taking the medications that she needs. This deserves compassion. But you do not deserve abuse. My Mom was bipolar or something similar, medicated with alcohol. I stopped taking crap. Mean, abusive, critical? Hang up the phone, leave the room, leave the house. I'll talk to you when you're calmer. Bye. I recommend this great book about dealing with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder, also useful for dealing with anyone who has poor boundaries, is manipulative, highly dramatic, etc. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1572246901/metafilter-20/ref=nosim/ You want to disengage from the unhealthy, manipulative, unkind behaviors, and engage with anything nice that is left. When you begin this, they will dig in fiercely and increase the manipulative crap. Be tough. It can get better, though it takes time and patience. Identify any positive traits or behaviors and compliment your parents on them. You took care of your family when you were a kid. You've done your best to care for your Mom. You've been as dutiful a son as you could be. You deserve compassion and support, yourself. You do not deserve crap.