You're making me justify all the things

He also doesn't intend these as rhetorical questions, either. He asks for specific responses to these questions: "I dunno" isn't an acceptable response for him. Even answers to why I forgot to do something require a detailed response. This happens so often that I've started to wonder if I'm some weirdo whose actions he can't make sense of through situational context. You know, I'm seeing people characterize this as childish and annoying behavior, but it's also controlling and disrespectful. You have my permission to put on your bitch pants and cut off this kind of interrogation with "Stop making me justify myself to you, it's unnecessary and demeaning" and then just change the subject. Steamroll your way through it if he continues to ask "why" or try to get you sucked into yet another conversation where you have to account for your choices. "I've already told you, I'm not going to get into a 'why' conversation with you. I'm not a toddler and neither are you." And if he doesn't accept that, walk out. Just refuse to engage with him when he's behaving this way. It's not OK for an adult to be treating his grown partner like this.

Just FYI on "ding training" : as an adult human with a brain and stuff, if someone took it upon themselves to treat me like a somewhat cretinous dog, my irritation would know no bounds. I would find it especially disrespectful in a relationship. Whatever you choose to do, think twice about ding training.

If my partner reacted to friendly "why" questions about trivial things by acting annoyed and refusing to answer them, that would strike me as weirdly defensive or unnecessarily hostile. If my partner habitually reacted to my simple request for something trivial by asking why, and waiting for an adequate justification from me before taking any action, that would strike me as weirdly controlling. I'd tell them to knock it the fuck off, pronto.

That would drive me absolutely insane. Have you told him how much it bugs you? (And, ha, why it bugs you?) I would be very tempted to respond to his questioning why I wanted him to, say, pass me something from a shelf with "Because I asked you to. Will you pass it to me, or shall I get it myself?" "Why did you cross the street there?" "Because I wanted to. ::insert subject change::" "Why didn't you take leftovers for lunch?" "Because I chose not to. ::change subject::"

I would find it incredibly annoying, and have found it so in the past when people have treated me that way. Here's my suggestion: could you pass me the bag of bags? Why? Could you pass me the bag of bags please? But why? I'd like you to pass me the bag of bags. Why? I want the bag of bags, please. Why do you want it? Could you pass me the bag of bags please? That's my version of the five whys, lol. Rather than get into a discussion in which you have to prove it's annoying, he will either have to pass the bag of bags or station a guard in front of the bag of bags with instructions not to let you pass until you have justified your motives to all logical and rhetorical satisfaction. He didn't have to pass the bag of bags just because you asked for it, did he? So why should you have to give him an explanation just because he asked for one? You want a bag, not a game of twenty questions.

I do this. I used to do it a lot more, but then I realized that I was being a jackass and have made a lot of effort to stop. It still comes out from time to time when I'm really stressed. It is absolutely 100% about control, and it isn't okay. I am obsessed with efficiency. In my head there is a "right" way to do stuff, and many inefficient ways. In my better moments, the "why?" would be a result of genuine curiosity about whether somebody else's way was better, but most of the time I was gearing up to feel exasperated and frustrated that somebody was doing things the wrong way. I've grown up a bit, and a big part of why I've stopped is that I've come to truly believe that everybody's ways are all equally good, for them, instead of thinking my ways were the best for everybody. Your SO similarly needs to let it go. Making a value judgement about minor stuff like this is exceedingly dumb. Most people don't really give a flip about efficiency for minor everyday tasks and that they don't appreciate being treated as incompetent.

It's placing a real strain on our relationship because I feel like I'm always waiting for him to ask a question I'm going to find irksome, and he's walking on eggshells because he doesn't have a good sense of how to talk to me without inadvertently putting me on the defensive. How about a truce: He is allowed to ask whatever he likes without fear of bothering you, because you are allowed to brush aside annoying questions without fear of that bothering him. Each agree to give the other a pass. He's allowed to ask - without repercussion. You're allowed to not answer, without repercussion.

Yeah, I dealt with this in a past relationship and I agree with those that say this is all about control, and feeling as though he really knows the best way to do everything. He is asking you why, so you will explain, and then he can explain to you why his way is better. For those of you responding about how they do this, and it’s fine, and it’s all about genuine curiosity, etc. etc.- I think you don’t understand how demeaning it is to be asked to explain things like which lunch bag you want or why you crossed the street at a certain point. For me it came to a head when I had just gotten word that my father and youngest brother had been in a bad car accident, and was frantically packing to rush to the airport to get back home and to the hospital. My ex actually came into my bedroom and started asking me why I had chosen that certain suitcase to pack. And then would not let it drop. Seriously. I dumped him very shortly afterwards.

I am married to this as well. I think for my husband he's spacey and it's easier for his brain to ask "why" (to stall) to actually doing *the thing* (no matter how simple or benign the thing is). I mostly broke him of this habit by seriously losing my shit when he did it. Probably not the way I was supposed to handle it but it mostly worked. Just thinking about it is making me twitchy. Goodluck.