How to deal with sexual jealousy in a relationship?

There are a million dudes who will not do this. This is not "normal" dude behavior you have to put up with it. I'm not saying DTMFA, I'm saying if/when you eventually do, the next guy is likely going to be so much more respectful about this sort of thing. You are not being crazy.

Noooooo no no no. This is absolutely not ok. The part where you started masochistically fantasizing about him with other women, and feeling awful afterwards? YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO THIS. For no other reason, please leave this person; this is going to kill you and make future intimate relationships so complicated. Oh please trust me on this.

For those of you still following: I broke up with P tonight. I tried to have a dialogue with him about the relationship, and he was just so defensive and sulky about everything. Even after revealing how hurt I was by his actions, all he could do was make it about him and talk about how shitty I was making him feel and how I was blaming him for my own issues (I tried to be as non-accusatory as possible but I'm not sure how well that came across). He didn't really show any genuine concern for me, even after telling him that I'd spent days without sleeping or eating because of how anxious I felt. He had the demeanor of a child who'd been made to apologise to someone for something they weren't actually sorry about - he said he'd just stop saying those kind of things if it upset me that much. He said "I would do that for you", as if it were some sort of heroic feat. As some of you correctly assessed, he was only upset because he felt he was being attacked, not because he discovered that someone he claims to love very deeply was hurting in a very real way. He tried to defend himself by saying that on some of those occasions where he made insensitive remarks, he was 'sexually frustrated' because I didn't go home with him, and that's why his mind was on sex, and that's why he'd made those remarks about desiring other women. I lost it at that point. I started trying to breakdown all the fucked up, misogynistic assumptions contained in that train of thought right there, but I decided it wasn't worth my time. I didn't think he could do much worse, but then he went on to say "I guess we can just have phone sex on the nights you don't come home with me". Wow. Bravo, P. Good fucking riddance. (Thank you everyone for knocking some sense into me).

Super-agree with griphus that the PUA mention makes me not give this guy the benefit of the doubt. When someone tells me he's read and enjoyed The Game and subscribes to any PUA product or school of thought (or, dear god, has paid money for a "seminar" or podcast), what they're also telling me is this: - I don't respect women as individuals - I see women as disposable - I see sex as an accomplishment - I am breathtakingly insecure and unsure how to act without an instruction manual For the sake of your emotional health and future relationships, it would be a good idea to extract yourself from this four-month-old fling. This guy is absolutely 100% "keeping you on your toes" and manipulating you for his own gratification. You seem smart and reasonable and like you know yourself, and you can do better than with this dude.

I was ready to give the dude the benefit of the doubt for being an inconsiderate or clueless dude who likes to talk and think about sex, but him having read extensively on PUA stuff (and I assume not in a "ha ha look at this dumb shit" way) cooled that idea. Either way, this isn't some sort of inherently appropriate behavior. Some people are totally fine with it, and that's cool. But if you're not, and you haven't had a Serious Talk about this, then you should. Not a talk having to do with how he's being inappropriate at the moment but in general: "hey, I'm really not cool with you leering at women in front of me or talking about how much you'd like to have sex with them. Please cut that shit out because it makes me uncomfortable and feel bad about myself." It's not a weird request to make at all and you're not crazy. And I don't think most guys would talk about this stuff openly with their girlfriends (and rightly so), for fear of upsetting them. I can't speak for most guys, but most guys I know don't talk about that stuff with their significant others because it's shitty behavior, not because they're restraining themselves from doing so. It's the difference between not drinking and driving because you (the general "you") know it's a stupid thing to do and why, and not doing it because you're afraid of getting caught: in the latter scenario, the shitty behavior is liable to surface somewhere else because you just never really grasped why what you're doing is inappropriate. Which, giving your boyfriend more benefit of the doubt than he may deserve, might be what's happening here.

He's playing a sadistic psycho-sexual mindgame on you, and you should RUN. I've got to do something or I would explain more right now. Basically - YES - he's trampling all over your boundaries, his mental landscape is not that common, and he talks about sex in ways that devalues women, generally. He's an asshole playing a game, and you should dump him immediately. I'll be back later, but this is the gist. Good luck.

This question makes me so uncomfortable because this is partially how my incredibly abusive relationship started. Like, I possibly could have written this question at your age. I know now that there are so many men in the world who aren't like this and won't make you feel this way. For what it's worth, I don't think you are paranoid, I think you should listen to your intuition here.

P is extremely jealous. He hates it when I spend time with male friends and basically makes no effort to be friendly with them when we're out in a group. If we're at a party and I'm talking to a guy (even if that guy is an old friend, or someone he knows I've previously rejected), he'll walk past and kiss me on the cheek or put his hand on me, as if he's 'laying claim'. He once asked me to take down all the pictures on my Facebook of me with ex-boyfriends (I refused) and we had a huge fight over that. This is a classic red flag for an abusive relationship. The rest of the answers above point to the other red flags. Get out. There is nothing safe and fine about this man.

Seconding jbenben. Personally, your description of him kind of creeps me out. Honestly, my first instinct was that it sounds like he is some kind of sexual deviant. (I am, however, biased by unfortunate previous experience). ...wants to talk about sex a lot (he tries to 'sext' me most days, talks about past sexual partners, mentions that he finds certain girls attractive, and will, out of the blue and in non-sexual settings, describe his fantasies to me). I know that mental landscape is pretty normal for guys, but it just doesn't seem appropriate for him to communicate those things to me. I would say sexting is in the realm of normal behavior (though he should stop it if you ask him to/aren't into it), but talking about sex with other women in any context is pretty out of line (especially if you have told him more than once how uncomfortable this makes you). It is really hurtful behavior, especially given what you've shared with him about your body image insecurities. And talking about sex a lot and the whole "out of the blue talking about sexual fantasies" - I have been on the receiving end of that kind of behavior and I will say that that part is not normal and your instinct of this being inappropriate is totally correct. (How do I know? The counselor I was seeing to deal with the trauma I endured from this relationship told me so.) From my experience, his behavior and the things he says to you are liable only to get sicker and more twisted and ugly. Please listen to your instinct. You are not crazy or neurotic for being insecure. When a guy starts putting his personal sexual predilections above your sense of well-being, it is NOT a good sign. Think about what that says about his feelings for you - when he is doing all these things in TOTAL DISREGARD of your feelings. And all that PUA shit has likely just given him tips and support in preying on women. (Not to try to cajole you, but read some of that stuff and imagine that is the way that P. views you. I know it's hard to digest, but in all likelihood that is his mindset.) I think he is just using you and it sounds to me like he is preying on your insecurities in an attempt to manipulate you into going along with his sexual fantasies. It sounds sick because it is. sometimes he'll say something that will send me tail-spinning into a very dark place. These feelings with P are all new to me as I'm usually very level-headed I don't like to tell people what to do when giving advice. I respect whatever path the person is going to take and know that it is wholly their choice to make. But I will tell you that, based on my own experiences, that reading this, in my head, the alarm bells are going off and I am yelling to you "run run run!" Please keep in mind that emotional abuse and manipulation tactics are designed to make you feel precisely the way you are feeling. I think it's really brave that you decided to get some second opinions on what is going on in your relationship, and from what you've wrote, you sound like an intelligent and resourceful person. If anything else comes up, please feel free to memail me if you like.