Obtaining consent before posting family photos to social media?
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Am I wrong to want for my 25-year-old sister to get consent before posting photos of our family to >900 followers on social media sites (including Facebook and Instagram)? I feel annoyed by the Pinterest-perfect ideal of our family life that she's selling, and like my privacy is being violated in a big way.We're currently arguing about this and I can't tell if I'm being unreasonable, or if there's a better/more productive script I can follow so that we might actually resolve the conflict. For Mother's Day, Father's Day, National Siblings Day (ugh) and birthdays, etc., she'll typically post a collage of old photos from our childhood. This bothers me on two counts: 1) It's clearly meant as an expression of her personal "brand," where she attempts to keep up with the smiling-happy-family photos her friends are posting in similar veins. Despite the fact that our childhood was not super happy (and I suspect her friends' weren't, either, but appearances are everything). I resent that she's, in a sense, rewriting history and putting together a master cut of all the smiling moments, then packaging them for her social media followers. This possibly has to do with her career as a PR gal, and her peer group of privileged East Coast sorority girls. 2) They are private photos, taken during private moments, and I never knew or anticipated that they'd be shared with hundreds and hundreds of strangers and acquaintances. I feel this even stronger on behalf of some family members (grandparents) who don't use the internet and have no idea they're being exploited in this way. The other scenario is that she'll have her iphone out during Christmas or other family gatherings now, and later I'll find that she's posted a handful of photos she's just taken. I'd have hoped to enjoy a private time and not gussy myself up for photos, but it seems like the new normal is that every moment is a potential snapshot, so I should be camera-ready all the time. I hate this. I miss the old days of waking up on Christmas morning and piling into the living room all pajama'd and tangly-haired. When I bring it up to her, she responds (via text, of course) that "Even though you think me posting pics is rude it comes from a place of love and caring ab you so sorry to offend," and "I'm not changing how I live my life and use social media because you want me to. I'm sorry but no. It's been duly noted now that I need to crop you out of every picture so don't worry I'll be sure to do that going forward." Talking to her on the phone or in person about this is not an option--she shuts down and/or throws up her hands in an appeal to whoever's around, like an "I give up with this nonsense!" gesture that usually hands her the win. What line of reasoning might work in this discussion? Should I even bother? Is it my curmudgeonly attitude that needs adjusting? Any advice, or similar situations, or solutions, or "snap out of it!"s will be welcome.
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Answer:
(1) is, frankly, none of your business. She has the right to present her life however she wants (within reason, and this is well within reason -- she can't go out accusing other people of terrible things and whatnot) (2) you are definitely within your rights to tell her you don't want to be included in these pictures. It sounds like you have, and she has agreed not to going forward. That's a conversation you could have had better with her, but regardless, it's resolved. I don't really think you get to speak for anyone else in your family on this issue, though you may politely let them know that if they mind they can speak with her separately. And this: it seems like the new normal is that every moment is a potential snapshot, so I should be camera-ready all the time. I hate this. I miss the old days of waking up on Christmas morning and piling into the living room all pajama'd and tangly-haired. Is entirely on you, and about how you want to present yourself to the world. There's nothing inherently wrong with the tangly-haired, pajama'd pictures making it to the internet, and there's no need to gussy yourself up for anything just because there might be a picture of it. If it's a situation you would gussy yourself up for anyway, then great, but otherwise, if you're willing to present your life online it's ok to present an honest view of your life online. If you're not, then you've dealt with that already, so no worries.
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Other answers
While you have every right to expect that your privacy be respected by your sister your tone is a little over the top. Exploiting your grandparents by putting photos of them on social media? Is she using their image to sell a product or promote a social cause they don't agree with? Do they feel they are being exploited? Or are you just feeling exploited yourself and extrapolating that everyone else must also feel the same way? You seem to have a big issue with how she portrays her life (and sometimes tangentially yours too, I guess) but that's your problem. You live your truth and let her live hers. You can't force her to frame her life in a way that feels more authentic to you. Maybe she feels differently about your shared family experiences and childhood than you do. That being said if you feel exploited by photos of you being used on social media then you have every right to insist she not use them. It may mean that, should she not crop you out like you've been assured she would, then you refuse to attend activities with her. Ultimately I think you will need to decide how far you will take this and if the outcome is really important enough to you to wage the battle it will take to get you what you want.
teamnap
She said she'd stop posting pictures of you. You need to at least give her a chance to follow through. Then, every single time she doesn't, you mention it. "Hey, you promised not to put pictures of me up. Please remove this." Since you do not currently have children, don't borrow trouble.
jeather
You'd like to reason with her, but in some of the examples you've given, you are expressing some unreasonable expectations of her, and she is pushing back against you for trying to exert that control. 1. You want her to obtain your consent first before posting pictures of you = Reasonable request, and that problem was already solved when she texted you "It's been duly noted now that I need to crop you out of every picture so don't worry I'll be sure to do that going forward." 2. You want her to stop "re-writing history" and to start Keeping It Real about your unhappy childhood. = Unreasonable request. You may have grown up in the same home, but it seems she feels differently than you do about the relative happiness she felt growing up. Now maybe she is in denial or maybe you are or maybe the truth is somewhere in the middle there - in any event, she has every right to feel her feelings about your childhoods, as do you. You are different people, different ages. On this particular point, worry only about yourself - stop trying to change her. Her choices are not judging yours. 3. You want her to stop taking liberties with the images of your older, non-social-media-using relatives - you say "I feel this even stronger on behalf of some family members (grandparents) who don't use the internet and have no idea they're being exploited" = Unreasonable request. Her behavior, as you have described it so far here anyway, just does not meet the definition of the word "exploitation." Can it be said she's really using them for selfish purposes if they would also enjoy seeing those old and new photos? Because every elderly relative of mine ADORES both old and new family photos. Also, and this is important - it just does not concern you. Photos with you in them, however, do concern you, and again, she has already said she would crop you out of all of them. 4. You are bothered by the fact that she has "a career as a PR gal," and "a peer group of privileged East Coast sorority girls." = Unreasonable request. There is nothing per se offensive about these particular life choices of hers. If you don't like folks who fit those descriptors, then the solution is don't hang out with any of them. Again, her choices are not judging yours. 5. "She'll have her iphone out during Christmas or other family gatherings... I'd have hoped to enjoy a private time and not gussy myself up for photos, but it seems like the new normal is that every moment is a potential snapshot, so I should be camera-ready all the time." = Unreasonable request. Like it or not, Cameras! Videos! Everywhere! in 2014 is a well-established US social norm. Has been for nearly the last decade or so now. Unless the person hosting says "Sorry, no cameras allowed in my home, not at the dinner table, etc" it is going to be up to you to draw the boundary, and you've already successfully done that. So there is no need for you to feel "camera-ready all the time" - you're already cropped out of these pictures. So. All of that being said, I'm really sympathetic to your plight here, OP. I'm old enough to have come of age at a time when more privacy was the norm. I'm also probably the last parent in America who does not use social media and insists that no pictures of my young children be put on the internets. But alas, there are pictures of my children out there somewhere. I give up. I accept it. I don't try to change people. There are just some things in life you cannot fully control and I'm afraid in 2014 this is one of those areas.
hush
"It's been duly noted now that I need to crop you out of every picture so don't worry I'll be sure to do that going forward." Well, problem solved then? Other people can have the same conversation with her, and pretty soon she'll have to crop most of her photos, which might be enough of a pain in the ass that she'll stop posting them.
desjardins
I have found that if you tell people that you don't want them to take a picture RIGHT THEN AND THERE and then flip out on them if they do, they tend to stop. I'm with you - I hate surprise photos, I don't want people putting my pictures to god knows what use on the internet, I don't want to be "tagged"....And in general, my obvious rage and panic when people have taken my picture unannounced have raised the stakes enough that people stop. You have to be willing for some people to think you're weird about this, but I personally don't care - taking my picture without my permission is a violation and I'd totally deep-six a friend who took such a picture and posted it on the internet. My point being - get really upset with her every time she takes your picture and she'll stop. Start by asking her not to, finish by asking her to delete the photo and maybe yelling. The point here isn't to seem nice or reasonable, because "nice" and "reasonable" don't work with this kind of person and these kinds of values - the point is to raise the effort required to take your picture to the point where it's too much trouble.
Frowner
OK, that's fine, but you need to take the judgment of her life out of it. Ask her not to take pictures of you. If she posts one, ask her to crop you out. Ask her not to put pictures of your kids online and ask her to take them down if she does. When you do so, don't make it a referendum on her life or tell her that the act she's doing is inherently rude (because it isn't), but rather that she's violating your wishes and that's hurtful to you (which is a not ok thing to do). But right now, she hasn't done the thing you're worried about yet, and kids are, from how you phrase it here, a minimum of 9 months away, so take it one day at a time. There's no magic bullet here.
brainmouse
One thing that's come up in a few comments is that she's agreed to crop me out/stop doing this with regard to photos of me. I have no reason to believe she will follow through on that. Yeah, that was my assumption. That's why you can't let her take pictures of you at all. She pulls out the phone, you have to tell her to stop every time. I have to do this and it makes you look like a loon, but if you don't want your picture on the internet you have to look like a loon.
winna
Hm. Well on the other side, it's hard for me to think of any photos as "private" unless you're talking being unclothed. Photos of someone else's relatives around their Christmas tree from 1968 aren't shocking or likely to make me think less of them, even if they all have bed-head. If anything, they tend to point out that every family seems to take the same kinds of badly-composed, underlit snapshots, so they all kind of run together. You mention "exploiting" your grandparents but unless the photos are humiliating, I don't know that I would worry about that too much. You can also talk to your grandparents and show them the stuff she puts online and ask them if they are bothered at all. Which doesn't mean you're wrong. You absolutely should have the right to not have pictures put online of yourself (or your kids) without your permission, any more than they could be published in a magazine without it. I have asked people to take down pics of me that were really unflattering and feel absolutely justified in doing so. It's my face, I get a say in how it's broadcast. Your question touches on a lot of obvious conflicts between you and your sister that seem to go back a long way, and that's probably making this more fraught than it might be otherwise for both of you. Maybe she is trying to turn your family into a "brand" and that's annoying, but if you aren't forced to participate, I wouldn't see it as a major issue.
emjaybee
She's not going to stop. She's passive-aggressively giving you lip service, but she's going to do what she's going to do. You can block her on social media. It won't stop your image being all over the world, but at least you won't see it. You can refuse to show up to events for fear of being photographed and posted on facebook. The problem is, she has all the power in this particular dynamic, and you're both regressing to your childhood 'thing'. In my world that would be my pounding my sister and her clawing at me. I can see where this is infuriating, but short of cutting her out of your life completely, I don't see a real resolution on this. I'd give it one last try, "Sissy, I'm weird about this, I admit it, but I don't want my pictures on your internet feed. I want to decide how my image is presented in the world. You say you'll crop me out, but honestly, I don't see you doing it. Let's agree, if you post stuff, you won't tag me in it, or even better, you won't post pictures with me in them. When kids come along, it goes double. If you cross me on this, you will live to regret it. That's not a threat, it's a promise." (Well, maybe eliminate those last two sentences.) As for your anger about her Hallmarking up your family photos and childhood, yeah, that's everyone. don't worry so much about it. Accept that some people deal with the disappointment of their shitty childhoods, by cobbling together a nice childhood out of old Christmas photos and Brady Bunch re-runs.
Ruthless Bunny
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