Have you learned to really accept your partner? How?

There is something about your Ask that reads like there is some internalized sexism at play here, and I'd encourage you to explore that. You feel like shit because you are not allowed to be your authentic self in this relationship. I think what may be going on is you are not having your voice heard and your real wishes respected enough. I'm sure he's been raised to expect you to socially perform the role of hetero girlfriend in a more agreeable way that allows him to maintain the status quo, and maybe you wish you could, too, because that would please him and he would want to stay with you longer, and then you'd be sure you don't have a bad relationship pattern where you are the problem all the time. No. You are afraid of losing this "wonderful" guy - so much so that you preemptively barred us from suggesting you two are completely wrong for each other. Your fear of losing this man is causing you to react in ways that are not fully authentic to you, including beating yourself up after the fact for expressing your honest opinions in understandably reactive ways. You must be pretty aware of your positionality in this relationship -- he's a few years older than you, he holds more of the power, you capitulate and do the things he likes to do, you hang out with his friends who you do not like at all, and resent the hell out of all of it. You feel you might be on the outs: he is getting tired of you, "he feels unloved and unappreciated and that I act this way in front of people, which embarrasses him." Ugh. And it is apparently your job to take care of his feelings, and acquiesce, and be "nice," and never act angry? I don't think so. Rather, I think this is both a communication problem and a sexist society problem, not a YOU problem. Look, there are so many unspoken rules that our society has for how women are allowed to act in relationships, and your question touches on many of them. The truth is, you are ALLOWED to "get crabby, bitchy, and unpleasant" towards your male partner sometimes. You can act "cold, annoyed, and unappreciative" sometimes and still be a lovable, worthy woman. You are ALLOWED to agree to go to a concert then change your mind about that if you feel tired. Something to ponder: why didn't you feel like you had permission to excuse yourself from attending that concert if you weren't feeling up to it? You always have permission to decide not to go to events you don't suddenly feel like it. I need to stop having these nights whenever we're doing something he wants to do and that I find uncompelling Could be you are trying too hard to act like http://www.slate.com/blogs/browbeat/2014/09/29/gone_girl_movie_cool_girl_speech_is_in_it_but_there_are_no_men_seen_during.html or something. You simply do not like to do the same things he enjoys. You can't stand his friends. You don't like his sense of humor. You embarrass him, and deep down I think he embarrasses you, too - he is not intellectual and sophisticated enough for you. This is a basic fit problem that is not going away - like if Tilda Swinton were suddenly dating Larry the Cable Guy - hell to the no, that partnership would just not work. I don't think you alone are the problem here, even though you are the woman and in a sexist society the women are supposed to do all of the emotional work in hetero relationships, apparently. I don't know, OP - it just feels like you are taking SO MUCH of this emotional work on, when there are actually two people involved. I think you need to be kinder with yourself.

When I feel that Hulk Want to Smash feeling, I ask myself why I feel the need to get control of the situation, and what I could do instead of yelling/nitpicking/attacking/fuming/being a general asshole. And I say that with love, because I spent many, many years as an asshole with good intentions. Some of things I do instead of getting all up in my husband or toddler's situation: 1. Breathe and count to ten. 2. Take a break - go in the bathroom or bedroom. Take a walk around the block. 3. Get a glass of water 4. Sing at the top of my lungs 5. Drop down my spine - this sounds weird, but all it is is bending gently over from the waist and then slowly rolling back up. This is an acting/movement exercise that just helps realign your spine. It's relaxing and focusing. 6. Any and all of the above in combination. Sometimes my toddler thinks this little pageant is funny. Sometimes he's weirded out by it but at least I haven't lost my temper or yelled or acted like a two year-old in response to my two year-old's normal toddler behavior. My husband appreciates that I don't use him as a punching bag and, actually, cares more to hear what's going on with me because he can see by the techniques I use to calm down how difficult it really is for me sometimes to get my shit together. And, because he doesn't feel like he's born the brunt of my frustration, he's more apt to listen and empathize with me. I get it; you really don't understand why this is so hard for you and you want to change. But aside from using techniques to help you out of a moment of extreme jerkiness, you have to start reflecting on why it is that you feel that getting control of your boyfriend's personality, or partying, or sense of humor, or whatever it is that chafes you in a given moment will make you feel better. Because the reality is that he is who he is, and it's unfair of you to want to change him AND let him know it all the time by being overly critical or overreacting. You need to do some work on yourself. Once you do that work - in therapy, with a professional - you'll be able to figure out what to put in the My Issues bucket, and what belongs in the Dealbreaker bucket. Good luck.

Although you've specifically said this is something you don't want to hear, it may just be that this person isn't right for you. I understand this isn't what you wanted to hear, but it's something you should consider. I'm going to have to say it too, I'm afraid. Not saying that it's true, but that it's something you should really look at. I say this because I'm at the end of a seven-year relationship, and I was miserable for much of it. I was miserable because I was angry and disappointed with myself for being so frequently annoyed -- and showing it -- at my very kind, sweet, and loving partner. I spent many, many hours beating myself up, criticizing myself, excoriating myself for not being able to be the kind of person who doesn't react to petty and irritating things that other people just seem to be able to let go of. I spent the time we were together in a state of high tension, just waiting for the thing that was going to trigger it and put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day, unpleasant to be around and again acting unfairly to my partner. I saw two bad therapists and tried two ineffective antidepressants. I knew that the reason our relationship was so trying was because *I* was so trying. I tried and tried to change myself, but I couldn't, and we suffered. Now that I have a *good* therapist, I see how wrong all of that was. My partner -- a wonderful person -- just wasn't the right person for me to share my life with on a spousal level. There were too many things I need in a partner (the intellectual thing you mention is one of them) that she isn't able to fulfill. That doesn't make her a bad person, or a dumb person -- it's just that she's not the right one. This went on for seven years because I was unwilling and unable to consider the basic truth. It was too hard. It was easier just to try to fix everything -- meaning me and my problems -- even though nothing about any of it was "fixable," and there wasn't actually anything wrong with me. As time went on, my moods and my acting out in irritation at her got worse. It's not that *I* was getting worse; it's that the tension of being in an ill-fitting relationship built and built, and I was reacting to it. I just didn't know what I was reacting to, because I wasn't being very honest with myself. Okay, so there you go -- you just got six months of my therapy for free. I hope it isn't true, but I also hope that you don't do what I did and assume that all of the problems in your relationship hinge on you "fixing" yourself. I can tell you from experience that what you end up doing is muting yourself and losing yourself. I picture it like trying to fit yourself into an oddly shaped box, and when you realize you don't fit into it, you lop off a piece of yourself here, shave off a bit there, and keep at it, trying to fit, until you've whittled yourself down to a nub. That's what I did. I hope that you can open your eyes a little wider, ask yourself whether any of this is true, and go from there. I hope that it's all completely off-the-mark, but I sure hear you saying things I heard myself saying five or six years ago.

You write that he's neither as intellectual nor as sophisticated as you'd like or expect. You actually wrote those words. Sadly, this doesn't get better. You don't pull out of that power dive. Oh, maybe you do for a little while. But you'll resent him the next time he's out with his buddies doing things you think are beneath you. Clearly, you have some vision in your head about how life is supposed to be, and you're not getting it. I mean, it sounds like you don't even like him. So what do you hope to accomplish here, exactly? You say, "Don't tell me he's not right for me." I say, you're not right for him. It's time for you to back out of this before you hurt him and yourself further. You don't fix this inside a relationship. You fix this, and then have a relationship.

It can be helpful to remember that you are not your partner and he is not you. You are allowed -- expected, really -- to like different things. You are allowed and expected to value different things. You are allowed and expected to like different people. You are allowed and expected to have different interests. He does not have to be exactly like you, and his being different from you is not a sign that he doesn't love you or that he's pulling away or that he values you less; it's just a sign that he's a human being with his own preferences.

I can't think of anything worse than being the source of vexation and embarrassment of my partner. You don't have to be along when he's visiting friends you don't like. However if it's all of his friends you don't like, you just don't like him. A person is their circle of friends. These are the people they choose to have in their life. It says everything you need to know about him. It's all about you in the narrative. How you feel, how you're upset, how you have issues that excuse your pretty terrible behavior. You recognize that it's you, but there's an inherent idea behind it that if only you could accept his flaws that everything will be fine. These aren't flaws. They are who he is. If you perceive that you could accept these "flaws" that it would be perfect for you, then you don't understand people and how they work. You say you want to learn acceptance. The first thing you have to do is to understand that he is exactly as he is at this point in time. You don't like doing what he likes to do, you don't like his friends. Flaws are singing loudly in the grocery store, not being drunk and obnoxious or hanging around people who are. That's behavior that tells you who he is. You can love a person's flaws. I think it's cute when Husbunny sings along to Musak. I don't love that I have to ask him to do cleaning stuff around the house, but he's very pleasant about it when I do, so I'm willing to put up with it. Do with this information what you will. Your ask is pretty much about how you can control things, and I understand that desire. But at the end of the day, you can't control other people, and you ability to control yourself is limited to your ability to truly accept your partner. There are no tricks for acceptance, you either do or you don't. I don't love basketball and there's nothing I'm ever going to be able to do to change that. So when Husbunny wants to watch WNBA in the living room, I either go in the other room to read, or I play games on my phone. That's a livable compromise. But as far as acting shitty once you've committed to doing something you don't enjoy with him. Just tell yourself that you're not a child. That as an adult you agreed to do X, and not every moment in your life is about pleasing yourself. Sometimes you make a sacrifice to do something nice for your partner. If you resent doing one or two nice things for him, that you don't like...what does that say about how much you value him?

I think it's not much about accepting him but accepting yourself and growing up. I used to be critical of my spouse, because I was critical of myself. Do you notice the more evolved a person is, the more they rarely comment on the behavior of others? The thirties can be a tumultuous time. After all this time we are still figuring out how relationships work. We are competing with our peers and trying to prove something. Some of us are insecure with our abilities. We are still learning to like and accept ourselves. When you near forty you'll realize it's almost too late to prove anything and wonder what you were trying to prove in the first place. Regarding intellectuals: I am not an intellectual but find that the best kind of intellectual is a person who can still relate to the Average Joe. I hear it all of the time on the radio. An intellectual will be featured. A listener will call in with a semi-incoherent comment and the intellectual will respond respectfully and insightfully. When you're in your forties you will cringe at the fact that you ever looked down on people for their lack of intellectualism. I'm 42 and these are the things that really matter (to me anyway): Love, kindness, respect, fun. And, saying no when I don't want to do something instead of going and becoming resentful. Anyway… I used to be miserable at times in my younger years. Bullying with my my moods, even though I would never dream of bullying anyone, it was still bullying. You could call it pouting. It was immaturity. Part of being a grown-up is putting your game face on if you choose to go out. Just like it's part of being an adult to behave professionally at work or kindly with the in-laws. You can choose to never pout in a social situation again. And being kind when you don't feel like it helps you to grow as a person. You always have a choice. Choice 1. Be miserable, pout, take your moods out on others. Fail to look at the big picture and outside of your feelings. Choice 2. Honesty. "I don't feel like going out tonight. I may need to skip the concert." Choice 3. Go with the flow. Enjoy. Lower your expectations. Choice 4. Go out with intellectual friends instead of hanging out with drunk guys. Good luck.

he's neither as intellectual nor as sophisticated as I'd like or expect Does he know you feel this way, and if so, does it bother him at all? Because that's about who he is, not what he does. It strikes at the core of his identity. I would not want to be with someone who felt this way about me. I couldn't be happy if I were looked down on in a relationship. It seems like this is the whole core of the problem right here. I don't think it's your relationship OCD. I feel like from the tone of your question you are settling for him because you feel like if you could conquer your relationship OCD, anyone would do: don't tell me he's not right for me. He may or may not be, but this has been a problem recurrently with partners, and I need to address the problem, not the partner. You can address the problem as a single person with a lot more wisdom and hindsight. You admit right there that you don't know if he's right for you. If I were him, I would leave you. I feel like you're not being fair to him, nor to yourself, and I am sorry I can't offer advice on how to fix it instead. It's just that I have been in his position before, and it left me with a truly skewed and disheartened perception of my own intelligence. Do you think you can ever get over your disappointment that he's not a "pretentious intellectual?" Because even if you never tell him that, surely he's not so stupid that he can't tell.

Although you've specifically said this is something you don't want to hear, it may just be that this person isn't right for you. I understand this isn't what you wanted to hear, but it's something you should consider. In my experience, I've been able to accept my partner's behaviors because when all was said and done, I just loved them. I loved them enough that when they did their annoying stuff, I just didn't feel super-pissed. It was just a part of them. Love is a feeling and an action, but if I don't feel very basic affection and love, I can't force the action of acceptance. I've been in relationships where "stop texting during dinner already" was just part of the person I loved, and it didn't bug me. I've also been driven batshit insane with "put your fucking phone away," and I think it's just that deep down, I really wasn't all that crazy about the person. Trying to rationalize love didn't help. Deep down, I just didn't love them.