Should I give up the medical school dream?

It's hard to get into medical school because medical school itself is hard, and medical school has to be hard because being a doctor is hard. It sounds like you've built medical school admission up into this big obstacle that, if you could surmount it, would be the last of your problems. Unfortunately, getting in to med school right now would only make things worse for you -- you'd be thrown into an even more demanding academic environment and face the same challenges you are facing now. I agree with metasarah that you need to evaluate more closely why you want to be a doctor, and start thinking about other ways to satisfy those desires. There are many, many ways to work in healthcare, to help people, to have a "prestigious" career, to make your parents proud, etc that have nothing to do with becoming a doctor.

I am very gung-ho about encouraging people following their dreams. Yes, getting to medical school via a nontraditional path is very possible. Having a family and career while navigating school and residency at a later age is totally possible. Is getting through medical school with depression and anxiety possible? Yes. If you'd asked about those things specifically, I would be all over it. However, your question doesn’t feel like it is about those things. You mentioned being a physician once but mostly you talked of dreams of medical school, and it sounded like medical school was the achievement to gain, to prove to your parents that you are not a failure. Medical school should be but a step towards becoming the physician you want to be. You also say you are “not sure” and you need to be really, really sure as you enter medical school because inevitably you will go through phases of not sure later on and if you were not sure to begin with… that’s setting yourself up for bad times. As I said before, you can succeed in medical school with depression or anxiety but you need to really have them on the rails and with emergency plans in place, so you know what to do and who to turn to if you’re feeling out of control. Ask yourself this: will other people (aka your future patients!) be able to rely on you even when you are stressed to the max? If thinking about this gives you anxiety or you don’t think you can do this, becoming a doctor may not be something that you will enjoy. I’m not saying you should give up for something easier but just make sure your goals reflect what you really want, something that will be fulfilling for YOU, not your parents, or your idea of what would make you appear to be successful from the outside. Things not to worry about: age, having a family, ability to accomplish great things with a mental illness. Things to worry about: do you really want this? You don’t need to torture yourself unnecessarily for the glory and the horror of medical school if at the end of the day you don't want to practice medicine. There are lots of awesome and amazing things to do that won’t put you through academic hell. Talk to doctors about their jobs. And there is absolutely no shame if you decide it is not for you.

Why is this your dream? Is it a leftover searching for prestige thing? If the dream is to help people in health care, might there be nursing programs that are more appropriate? (They are also challenging but not all programs are as much of a commitment.) Your past experiences don't make it sound like medical school and, after that, being a doctor and paying off loans would be very good for your mental health. Even if you COULD do it, think about why you are really interested in it, and whether it's just something you're holding onto because you don't have other direction.

Let me attempt to answer your question in an oblique manner. Let's assume you get in to medical school. Let's further assume you get out and are now a doctor. I grew up with some though not all of the cultural traits you did. I ended up doing poorly as an undergrad for similar, though less severe, reasons as you. After graduating, I became obsessed with grad school in my undergrad major. I wanted to know if I could really do it, since I'd done so poorly the first time. I did get in to two rather mediocre programs, and I went to the better of them. I struggled with the coursework, but over time I realized I was perfectly capable of understanding the material. I ended up getting a PhD in a discipline with a reputation for being extremely competitive and difficult. I am now a practitioner of this discipline. Nothing is easier than it was when I was a struggling student. I remain wracked with doubt, and I have never recovered from my earliest faults: I still struggle with completing things due to anxiety. I have a tenure track job, which is the gateway to success in my field. However, it is at a school that is so bad in every respect that I sometimes marvel at its continued existence each day. I make less than the average starting salary for new graduates in almost every technical field, and I am 37 years old. I have almost no chance at getting a better job, unless I change fields. What is the point of all of this? Prestige is a fool's gold. Unless you desperately want to be a doctor and you can't possibly imagine doing anything else, the fact that you may be able to get into school after a rough start is simply not enough reason to go. If you think giving up the dream is hard how, imagine doing it in a decade after moving a few times for school and residency and finding that just being a doctor is not enough. Will you be satisfied with being a doctor at a for-profit clinic with low ethics and a focus on extracting health insurance dollars? Only if you truly believe in what you are doing. Because at least for me, even though my parents think I have a high prestige job, I know the truth. And it kills me.

I'd advise you to focus on your health first. If that means you don't become a doctor, then that's what needs to happen. Health comes first. Always. But don't look at this or any other career as a failure. A lot of us have taken jobs in fields we didn't particularly think we'd be in. Some of us are happy at work, some aren't and just work to be able to afford a family or the cost of living. But work doesn't always define us.

I think I concur with everyone else: medical school is not for you. I think you would have to REALLY REALLY REALLY have the depression squared away before you attempted med school....and that's probably a long way off at best because it sounds like you are still really struggling. There are plenty of related helping/health fields you can get into that aren't this freaking hard even on non-depressed people. " I'm getting a strong desire to get into med school, maybe to make your parents, your community and yourself feel like less of failure?" Me too. I don't see you mentioning a lot of "I want to help people" so much as "I used to be a really smart impressive person and now I feel like a loser and I really wish I could impress people, like my parents." You mention immigrant parents, which makes me suspect that "doctor" (or lawyer or something else high-powered) might be the only "acceptable"/impressive professions that will please. I'm reminded of a friend of mine who did not have super perfect college grades but kept applying to only the fanciest of grad schools that would never let her in, because she HAD to be impressive. Eventually she had to lower her standards to get in somewhere. I also used to have another friend who would beat herself up that she HAD to be a doctor even though it really would not have suited her. Then she was considering nursing school. She eventually decided to go to grad school in nutrition to satisfy her health bent in a less stressful way. I unfortunately don't know how to make you impressive to your parents at this point. It is entirely possible that maybe you never can be. I think the goal you need to work towards is trying to come up with something you can do that you can eventually be happy with, even if it's not medicine.

The severe anxiety before assignments/exams, the procrastination, the depression. I might have overlooked it, but do you have any reason to think this wouldn't be the case again? Because if anything is going to trigger it, it's medical school. It seems you know that. I've seen med school create immense regret in people who, like you, have always wanted to be doctors even without the same mental health issues and who have the support systems you talk about in place. It's not about whether you CAN do it. It seems like that's what you're focusing on. It's about whether it's a net positive in your life. No one can answer that but you (and even you're just guessing), but as a complete outsider, it's looks doubtful to me.

It might be worthwhile to ask yourself what it is that you're really looking for in medical school and in being a physician. Is it helping people, or is it being respected by friends and family, or is it the science, or is it the intellectual challenge? Because all these things can be done without going to medical school. You can help people as a nurse or teacher or social worker; you can gain respect by achieving a goal (any goal, not just medical school) and mastering it; you can work in science and find intellectual challenges almost anywhere. Your essay indicates that you're a thoughtful person who knows a lot about struggling with depression and anxiety and pressure. Perhaps your real strength, and your real calling, is in psychology or counseling?

Thank you everyone for all your responses. I really appreciate it, and it's given me a lot to think about. Just want to add some things. You were all on spot on about the fact that a large part of my desire to get into medical school and become a physician is because of the social status, impressing my parents, etc part. I can't deny that. Intellectually, I completely understand how silly and even ludicrous it is to go down such a difficult path just for this reason. But it's almost like the 5 year old girl inside me who desperately needs the approval of her family and community still reigns over my subconscious mind and won't let go no matter how hard I try. It guides all my decisions in life which, ironically enough, has led me into the exact situation I always feared and tried to avoid. I know that no career will change these deep-rooted securities in me, physician or otherwise, and it's going to take a lot of therapy for me to accept myself as I am. Having said that, the status isn't the sole reason I wanted to become a physician. I have always and continue to have a genuine desire in helping people live the best lives they can and I have a keen interest in health sciences. I definitely need a career where I am interacting with people and helping them in some health-related capacity. That would make me the happiest. I guess when I was younger, the immediate career that fit these interests was that of a physician so I developed the "I'm going to be a doctor no matter what" attitude and stuck with it. Until of course, I blew it. Someone mentioned psychology. Actually, that has also been a very strong interest of mine even since high school. I was going to have my research paper on a mental health related subject published as well before I had my meltdown. And going through my own struggles allowed me to gain a greater appreciation for it. Even when I was doing well in school, I had an honest conversation with myself and evaluated which of the two fields would be a better fit for me. And it was always psychology, and still is. But when I spoke to some mentors and people in both fields, they had discouraged me from pursuing it because they said the competition for jobs in this field is cut-throat. They said if mental health was my interest, my best bet would be to go to medical school and become a psychiatrist. So I stuck with that plan, and thought psychiatry would give me the best of everything. But of course, as you all mentioned - not everyone is cut out for the rigors of medical school or the life of a physician especially if there are mental health issues. And realistically, that's something I might have to deal with for the rest of my life. Whatever path I choose will require an uphill battle either way because I have to makeup for my earlier academic setbacks. I just want to make the most informed decision, without letting my emotions or fears interfere. I have a lot of soul searching to do. Thank you again everyone for all your feedback, it has really helped. If anyone has similar issues they are going through and want someone to discuss them with, feel free to MeMail me. cotton dress sock - I almost forgot to address your question. Yes, that is absolutely correct. It was always the essays or any assignments that required lots of writing that gave me the greatest anxiety and did me over. Timed exams did make me nervous, but it was nothing unusual of what most students felt. If I was well prepared, I was fine with those. Ironically, I edited papers for so many students and helped improve their writing skills. Yet, when it came to my own papers - I developed severe writer's block any time something was due and just couldn't focus. Writing is one of my strongest skills, but I always crack under pressure when I have to write something for someone else. I don't know why that is.