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What can I do with bipolar/manic depressive partner?

How do I help my partner become more responsible?

  • My loving, intelligent, witty, well-read partner is also really irresponsible. Please help me approach him about it constructively. I'm sorry there's a lot of text - since this is anonymous, I tried to include as many details as I could. My SO and I do not make a lot of money. He is working a slightly-above minimum wage service job; he does get tips daily that supplement the otherwise miserly paychecks. I am in a part-time administrative position (under consideration for full-time employment in my dream field) that pays more if you compared paychecks alone, but still leaves me with very little disposable income after public transit/commute costs, utilities, rent, and groceries. We don't go out very much, although he is an avid Magic the Gathering player and goes to (free) events once a week. If he does spend money, it is on Magic cards ($40 - $100 a month), and he has accumulated well over a thousand cards this way. On more than one occasion, he has purchased cards before doing something like paying utility bills or buying Christmas presents for family members. But there are a couple of things that have grated on me: 1. My SO recently lost the ability to use his parents' extra car because he'd failed to pay two tickets (parking, I think), and they recently received a summons for one of them. It's not that he didn't know about them, but didn't deal with them right away and forgot. He was previously the only one in our relationship with a car, so this has had an impact on things like going grocery shopping, my commute (although I've adjusted just fine), etc. He was very upset at first. I'm pretty sure his family would give the car back to him if he took steps to be more responsible, but the event hasn't really lit a fire under his ass and that worries me. 2. My SO paid in advance to participate and volunteer in a convention that recently took place. Several days before he was scheduled to depart, he began to run low on discretionary funds. Since he had so little money left, I suggested that he not go at all - it was way out-of-state, hours away, and he had other financial responsibilities anyway. But he insisted that he'd already paid for the tickets, and it would therefore be a waste. Right before he left, his job rearranged his schedule - someone else just quit that day - so he ended up leaving far later than scheduled, and had to be back earlier than scheduled. He also didn't purchase a return ticket until last-minute, but used up the money in his bank account to do so. The ticket would have had him home with only a few hours until his shift began that morning. Due to several new circumstances - like the volunteers no longer being needed until late that night - he called in a state of panic on the last day, having already checked out of the hotel room. The idea of him being on the edge of a panic attack (we both have anxiety issues), with barely any money, in another state was unbearable, so I purchased a train ticket using the last of my tax refund. With the understanding that he would immediately pay me back once his paycheck cleared. 3. We have to move when the lease expires in a few months, as our other housemates are either marrying or moving in with serious partners. It was an illegal housing situation; we discovered it mid-lease, at the same time that we discovered that the landlord was allowing another tenant to steal access to our utilities (long story not related to the question; we will not be suing the landlord For Reasons). So there are more people than legally permitted - we cannot afford to live there with less people, so we have to move out. Neither 1 nor 2 would have taken place if he was more responsible with money and with prioritizing things. I know that his combination of anxiety/depression and ADHD, all of which have gone unmedicated for the majority of his life (his family was not really into the whole meds thing), is playing a significant role in this. And I wouldn't mind being his financial safety net if 1) I was making more money and 2) he was making an effort to become responsible. He acquired health insurance recently, but hasn't made a recent attempt to resume treatment. He was briefly medicated a few years ago, but couldn't afford it without insurance. And I really love my SO - like I could easily see myself growing gloriously old with him (I'm in my mid-twenties, he is in his late-twenties). We've faced quite a bit together, and he's supported me through periods where my neglect of my mental hygiene nearly destroyed my life. But I don't think it's quite registered how serious his irresponsibility is, or if he's aware but doesn't have the momentum to reverse course. I also don't think he's aware of how much his irresponsibility affects ME, or how it's really starting to affect our romantic life (my desire for sex has dropped as of two months ago, and this is why). And with a couple recent episodes where he was rather inconsiderate, it just feels like another depressive episode is looming overhead. I want to grow with him, and want to be as supportive as I can while also not burning myself out (I have my own issues that must be managed). How do I talk to him about this? In what ways can I encourage him to really start making an effort to take care of himself before things really spin out of control?

  • Answer:

    But I don't think it's quite registered how serious his irresponsibility is, or if he's aware but doesn't have the momentum to reverse course. I also don't think he's aware of how much his irresponsibility affects ME, or how it's really starting to affect our romantic life (my desire for sex has dropped as of two months ago, and this is why). Does he know any of these things? As in, you have said to him in as many words, "you are dropping the ball on the basic stuff of life and as such, I no longer wish to have sex with you?" If you're just quietly seething and paying his way, he isn't going to think there's a problem. Don't expect him to read your mind; his priorities are clearly not yours, and he won't necessarily draw the same conclusions you want him to draw. Then, you need to know what you want and be able to verbalize it. Consider whether the things you want are things a person can DO, or things a person needs to BE. Because he can't BE a different person--you might need to FIND a different person. Examples: Things you may want him to do, and can explicitly ask for: make a doctor's appointment and get back on medication find a supplemental or different source of income? contribute $X more to monthly bills (even if it means no Magic cards)? never ever stiff you on anything? Things you may want him to be (but cannot expect of him): more thoughtful more ambitious more responsible without prompting less anxious/ADHD* *This may be something that happens if he gets on medication; however, it's a thing he may always contend with, and solutions that work now may not work forever, etc. But beyond that, you can't actually control anything he does. You can encourage him, but it isn't your job to. (and maybe part of your question is wondering whether it is your job? Well, it's not.) Your best bet is to take care of yourself like an adult, refuse to bail him out of anything but truly emergency situations, and separate yourself financially. Yes, I'm suggesting that you get your own apartment when your lease is up. No need to stop dating him, but make sure that you are well clear of any financial chaos that he might spin out into. Best case scenario: he is inspired by your clear boundaries and good example to step up to the plate, face his issues, and get his life together. You two then grow gloriously old together or what have you. Worst case scenario: he is not inspired to get his shit together. You, however, remain fine and stable, with the resources to help yourself and others.

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oh and btw "truly emergency" situations are definitely at the level of "his house burned down and you are letting him stay with you while he finds a new place to live". Not "he made a series of truly bad choices and is now inconvenienced."

We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese

Your best bet is to take care of yourself like an adult, refuse to bail him out of anything but truly emergency situations, and separate yourself financially. Yes, I'm suggesting that you get your own apartment when your lease is up. A million times this. Your partner is a baby-man who doesn't know how to take care of himself, is not interested in learning, and has people bailing him out at every turn so why should he? And the thing is, that's not love. What you are actually asking is "how do I make this person like me enough to not treat me and my life and our lives and our relationship like this?" But if you're not ready to look directly into the disrespect and contempt it takes for a person to let you figuratively wipe their ass for them, just consider the practical question: if this was the child of a friend, would you advise your friend to keep wiping, or would you say, "friend, you have got to put your foot down or he's never going to learn"? It's one thing to have some blind spots. When we met, I was just learning not to be a moron about money but he was quite good at making a tight budget work and sort of reigning me in, and I was *glad* for it and I wanted to be better for him and for us. He was not so great at some other things, and he worked to get better - and that included ADHD medication and a surprisingly relentless year of serious self-training until he acquired the skills to handle it unmedicated (which doesn't work out for everybody, you have to do what's best), and it includes treatment for depression now. He did that because he wanted to be a better person and he wanted us to have better lives. You can't make your guy want to do the right thing. And it makes him a bad person when he takes advantage of you, even if he's doing it because he's inexperienced rather than just mean. If you move out and live alone or with roommates of your own and take firm control of your own business and life, you will be doing him and yourself a favor. And a lot of baby-people DO change, they do get their shit together when they have no other choice, but they really do have to get the experience on their own. It's very hard to do in a situation where you'll have to take up the slack in order to have your life the way YOU want it. If you stay with him and you remain living with him, you have to accept him as he is. That means he may never get better and he may never treat you better, and if you're not okay with that, you need to decide what you're going to do. Any change is going to be under his own steam. You can't make him want it. Don't give him an ultimatum that you don't intend to follow through, because that's manipulation and it's gross, but it is perfectly legit to inform him you need him to step up to X, Y, and Z or you're going to leave, and then leave if he doesn't.

Lyn Never

move out, this person is going to drag you into a sinkhole of financial and logistical nonsense and you are going to always feel like the one parenting him and putting out fires that he starts by being irresponsible and careless. it is not a fun place to be. you can try making a budget and all that, but be prepared to be the one that does all the organizing for it, nags him to stick to it, and runs surveillance over where the money is going to make sure he isn't ignoring the budget. if you think he's a wonderful partner then stay together but move out and separate your financial lives completely. don't bail him out when he is too lazy to pay the bills first or take care of things like parking tickets. i know you wrote you wouldn't mind being his financial safety net, but think about what that really means. what if he is just how he is, right now. and you keep having to pay and intervene and take care of stuff, even as you get busier and earn more money or your career changes, etc. do you feel ok about that? if he stayed the same as he is right now? when you talk about moving out he is probably going to remind you about his adhd and depression. don't let feeling sorry for him sway you. it's up to him to take care of that and be a grownup who pays the bills before paying for hobbies and pleasure activities. he can treat his illnesses without the two of you living together. i have a feeling your depression and anxiety would also be less if you weren't financially interlocked with this person.

zdravo

He acquired health insurance recently, but hasn't made a recent attempt to resume treatment. Nope. NOPE NOPE NOPE. There is nothing you can do here. Please help me approach him about it constructively. "Your refusal to treat your mental health issues is impacting our finances and our sex lives. I need you to do something about it." Do NOT offer to make an appointment or remind him about the appointment or research medication or anything. He has to do ALL of it, to prove that he wants to. There are no magic words you can say to make this happen. You have zero control over what he actually does. I am sure he's mostly a really great guy, but being able to manage your money and time is a big thing. And I know anxiety, depression and ADHD add a layer of difficulty for him. But he's responsible for figuring out how to make it. You are not 50% responsible for it because you're in a relationship with him. Or 10%. He is 100% responsible. When one person is more responsible than the other - and that person takes on any degree of responsibility for the other - it sets up a Very Bad Dynamic. It will cause resentment that eats the relationship from the inside. The less responsible person ends up feeling controlled, and the more responsible person feels like the parent. No wonder you don't want to have sex with each other. Sorry. I wish I had better news for you, but unless he is committed 100% to doing his part, it's going to be a continual struggle.

desjardins

I think this is really hard to answer given the fact that you want to stay with him. (You know what the easy answer is: DTMFA.) You say that you want to stay with him, but you want him to change. From his perspective, why should he change? It's worked for him so far. Yes, it's not really working, in the sense that it causes him all sorts of problems, but he seems to show no desire to move beyond sputtering along between crises. It is unlikely that there is much you can do to convince him to change, given that he seems to have no innate desire to do so. He is getting by, and seems to be happy with just getting by. I have seen people make these kinds of changes. But they are self-motivated, and never instigated from the outside. I think the real test would be to tell him how you feel, and see how he reacts. If he truly did not know the burden he was placing on you, and he (of his own volition) begins to discuss ways he could change and improve, then it's possible he has it in him to do this for himself. But if you present to him the consequences of his actions and he does not bring up ways he can change for the better, it is very unlikely that he will make the necessary changes.

ocherdraco

I know that his combination of anxiety/depression and ADHD, all of which have gone unmedicated for the majority of his life (his family was not really into the whole meds thing), is playing a significant role in this. I think you really buried the lede with this, and I'm not sure everyone is seeing it before answering. ADHD, depression and anxiety all majorly affect "responsibility" things like the ones you mentioned. The unmedicated ADHD alone could easily be the entire cause of everything you describe here - forgetting to pay tickets and trouble prioritizing are both textbook ADHD problems. If so, you're really not going to get anywhere by telling him how "bad" he's being - believe me, after a lifetime of unmedicated ADHD, he's got plenty of guilt and shame already that haven't helped him be more responsible yet. Rather than having a conversation with him about his "irresponsibility", I would have a conversation focusing on mental health, with the things you mention being symptoms of these mental health problems, rather than character flaws. Tell him how his failure to deal with these mental issues is negatively affecting you - examples like you mention here are great. He might not be able to afford some ADD medications, but some generics are quite cheap, and doctors can also sometimes help with free samples etc. He (or you) can also find a bunch of non-medication-related ADHD (and anxiety and depression) tips that might help him a lot. Or ending the relationship is always an option if you don't feel able to date someone with these issues.

randomnity

He was willing to lose access to a FREE CAR by not paying parking tickets on time? And he's older than 18? This is a scale of irresponsibility you're not ever going to be able to fix. That may seem like a glib and hasty judgement on the part of someone who doesn't know him or you, but I guarantee you this is what it boils down to.

MsMolly

I think things like this can be hard to address since it's kind of a mindset/lifestyle/personality thing. So maybe try to address specific behaviors/actions. For example, since you are moving soon, this might be a good opportunity to sit down together and work out a budget. "We are both prone to anxiety, etc. Let's get the money thing sorted so we don't have to worry about it. We need $X for rent, $Y for untilities, $Z for food. That leaves us $amount for our own particular needs (my public transport, your cards, our clothing, etc.)" That might steer things away from "you're irresponsible" and allow you to approach it as "Money is a huge source of stress for both of us. It doesn't have to be. Can we agree to to these steps to minimize the stress and worry?" In the past, my other half and I each had a separate banking account for our individual expenditures and one joint account for housing/utilities/food. We each agreed to put in a certain amount into that account each month so basic needs were covered then we did what we wanted with the rest of our money guilt- and worry-free. Do you both have direct deposit? Ask if you can split the deposits into more than one account. If not, maybe set up an automatic transfer from your separate banking accounts into the joint and agree not to change it without consent from the other. Do you pay the bills and/or buy groceries? Maybe also agreeing to sit down once a month and do these things together will help him with a reality check on your financial situation. I'm thinking writing it all out - by hand on paper - will help clarify things for him. Money has always been hard to me to get a handle on and it's resulted in some spectacularly bad situations for me. When I sit down and personally hand write figures, it really helps me see things as they are. Online banking and commerce and credit cards are all extremely convenient but it's way too easy to forget that money is an actual tangible finite thing. So sit down together and actually write these things down on paper: OP will set up an automatic transfer every month for $X on DATE Boyfriend will set up an automatic transfer every month for $X on DATE Rent/utilities/food will be paid from this account. Rent is $X Water bill is $X Electric bill is $X Food budget is $X We will sit down together on the first Sunday of every month to pay bills and make sure we are on track financially. We want to save up $X for [vacation/convention/birthday gifts] There is [convention/Christmas/event] coming up in 2015. Once we are settled into the new apartment, we will sit down on DATE to discuss how to (financially) plan for them. Any purchases over $X will be discussed and decided on together. Any changes to the budget will be discussed and decided on together. Good luck!

Beti

I'm pretty sure the best thing you could do for him would be to tell him that failing to treat his mental health issues is ruining your relationship, and that if he doesn't get help, you're leaving.

treehorn+bunny

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