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My husband wants to build a house. I don't. Help.

  • My husband and I are at an impasse and I need help either figuring out how to make my case more clearly or ideas how to get myself on board. This is going to be long, but I really need help working through my thoughts. First, my perspective: I'm not anti-building a house. I'm anti-building a house right now. We have a one year old. And my teenage stepson lives five minutes away from the house we live in now. I've got a good daycare that I feel safe with and trust, right down the street. My husband has a work contract that ends in four years. It could result in a large windfall for us or it could end with us owing several hundreds of thousands of dollars. We won't know for a couple years which it is. We also won't know until his contract ends whether or not we are going to stay in this city or move to a completely different state. The new house would be across town, twenty minutes away from my stepson and would require finding a new daycare for the baby (which, of course, would be my responsibility). We both also work insane hours, my husband especially as he tries to get the company to a growth point where we'll come out in the black when his contract ends. I am still figuring out how to balance the baby and the job and, frankly, dealing with picking out floors and shit feels like a huge added burden on my already non-existent free time. Building this house is in our budget, but just barely. We'll go from a comfortable surplus to a breaking even every month. It won't eat into our long-term savings, but the down payment will take a large chunk out of our cash reserves, giving us a four-month emergency fund instead of a 12-month emergency fund. And breaking even each month means we won't be able to build the money back up without shifting contributions away from our retirement savings. My perspective is: let's build a house in four years. The baby will be transitioning to kindergarten. Our stepson will be on his way to college. We can use the next four years to save for the down payment. We'll know better what our financial situation really is. And we'll have a better idea of whether or not we're going to stay here. My husband's perspective: He's feeling stressed and trapped at work, staring down the barrel of four more years trying to build the company with tons of financial pressure. He said, "I need to change my physical environment." He doesn't have any hobbies or any friends. He feels like this house will give him something to do, a project to get excited about. He says four years is too long to wait because, if he stays here, he won't sign another contract, so we'll actually never know if we're staying in this area for longer than we do right now. If we move, it's likely to be to a larger, more expensive market, where building a house isn't a possibility. He says that building a house is his life-long dream and he feels like, if he doesn't do it now, he never will. He's excited about the thought of spending his free time making decisions about house stuff. He thinks it will be a fun project that will give us something to do together. I don't want to keep him from living his dreams, but at the same time, I'm really struggling to get on board. I've tried to go along with it and I've been ignoring the little voice in the back of my head, because I do want him to be happy. In fact, we are actually under contract on a house (we'll be tearing it down to the studs and rebuilding it/adding a huge addition). But there are lots of issues with the house (foundation, septic system, etc). He's excited because that means knocking down the price. I just want to walk away. Our due diligence period ends next week and we are still arguing about whether or not to do it. I feel like one of us is going to end up unhappy. I feel stuck and resentful and so does he. He thinks I'm being overly anxious and too risk-averse. I think he's trying to solve his unhappiness with a house and putting us at financial risk. I just need some perspective around the whole thing, as this weekend is really when we have to decide if we're going to do this or walk away.

  • Answer:

    My husband has a work contract that ends in four years. It could result in a large windfall for us or it could end with us owing several hundreds of thousands of dollars. Is there no way to get out of this or to mitigate or insure against the swinginess of this. Because, frankly, this sounds like a nightmare situation to be making any sort of decisions under, let alone huge financial ones. I feel like very few relationships would survive four years under this hammer with a young child, house argument or no. I really think his work situation is the number one problem you are facing. And frankly, I would rather be unemployed, even with an infant, than working a job that could potentially result in me owing hundreds of thousands of dollars.

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You know what's cheaper than building a house? Therapy. Vacation. Staycation. Any other hobby. My dad has dragged my mom through this four times. It has led to nothing but resentment, stress, and financial insecurity. I'm sorry your husband is unhappy right now, but he needs to deal with it in a way that doesn't destabilize your family. I'd tell him no on this one, and therapy before you'd consider the next one. Otherwise, you in a real risk of the mortgage lasting longer than your marriage.

snickerdoodle

Building or even remodelling a house has never reduced stress in anyone I've ever known to do it. Also, he wants to build his dream home and then pretty much immediately leave it? The stressful, expensive, annoying bit of home-building is the part he wants to sign up for? It doesn't seem at all reasonable to me, but I'm not your husband. Not sure what we can tell you, other than he probably needs counselling (and/or a non-stressful activity, maybe a vacation) and agree, maybe both of you do. (Oh and of course don't do it.)

cotton dress sock

I think when it comes to any housing decision either spouse has absolute veto power. If you're both not 100% on board, especially for something as big as buying or building a house, for any reason, it's a terrible idea. Plus all your reasons sound really good to me. His big mind-occupying project and #1 priority should be his kids. I think you should do couples therapy but don't agree to anything house related that you think is a bad idea.

bleep

I think you should walk away from this house, using the inspection findings. If it was the right house, you wouldn't be questioning it at this point. It sounds like you are not ready for this change and it may not be the right change. I think you should walk away and tell your husband that the two of you need to get into couples therapy and figure out how to bring more balance and joy to your relationship.

Chaussette and the Pussy Cats

His concerns are all about his own mood. Your concerns are about the family, the finances, and the needs of BOTH of you. I think he's being incredibly selfish. He needs to know that making a decision like this unilaterally is not a choice when he has a family. He needs to find a way to take YOUR needs into account.

3491again

I wish it were him asking advice. I did this, basically -- we kept the floorplan and studs, and had everything else redone. What I'd tell myself-of-2010 is that building IS fun, but only when you aren't in over your head. Building is fun when you can do it right. It is very fun to plan something and watch it be created. It is not fun to have to buy the cheapest laminate flooring you can find because that's all you can afford. A mile-long to do list is not fun. Asking for permit extensions and having your neighbors call the city on you for "blight" because the project went on hold while you save up for the next push are not fun. Working with skilled contractors is fun. Working with the lowest bidder is not fun. Buy a place and add a deck! Renovate the bathroom -- heck, do the tiling yourself. Finish the basement. Build a treehouse. Do projects that you can start and stop as you wish. Do projects well within your financial means. We had a 15% contingency -- but if you're as new to this as I was, have a 100% contingency; it could cost twice what you expect. (We have not taken a vacation in five years.) But since I'm not talking to him, I can just say, your concerns are well-founded. And, it's good of you to try to figure out how to help him fulfill this dream. Given whatever he is searching for with this project, I think it's asking a lot to ask him to wait 4 years. For me, the whole awful situation is all worth it and deeply meaningful. It helped with my own work-related anomie, too. But, returning to my point above, had I taken on less, I might well have learned more, sacrificed less (I'm cool with sacrifice, but not at the "lose touch with 80% of my friends" level), and gotten to produce something I'm even more proud of.

slidell

My husband has a work contract that ends in four years. It could result in a large windfall for us or it could end with us owing several hundreds of thousands of dollars. We won't know for a couple years which it is. Can you jump back in and explain this a little more because I don't understand this. You'll go to a bare bones standard of living for years while your husband plays Mr. Blandings and it's possible that you're going to end up OWING hundreds of thousands of dollars (and that's not including overages on the house) and relocating? If your family has that much to lose, building a house is the stupidest idea ever. Seems like the first priority is your husband getting out of this job.

kinetic

I don't think this question is really about the house. He sounds overworked and under a lot of stress, and you sound just plain stressed (plus the kids, etc). Neither of the options you are presenting are going to alleviate that stress, whether you buy the fixer-upper or build a new house.

Dip Flash

My husband has a work contract that ends in four years. It could result in a large windfall for us or it could end with us owing several hundreds of thousands of dollars. We won't know for a couple years which it is. This alone makes building a house right now a damned stupid idea. As someone said above, your husband needs to grow up and accept that being a husband and a father means having to delay your own wants sometimes. To be honest, it sounds like he's having a mid-life crisis. He isn't happy with his life (his job), but he can't change the thing(s) he's unhappy with, so he's trying to fix his unhappiness by changing something else. Can you maybe instead plan a really great vacation every year until the contract is over? For instance, go overseas and become really immersed in a different culture for 2-4 weeks each year? Also, I agree (from experience) that any kind of home remodeling project is going to add tons more stress. Maybe you could have him read some blog accounts of home remodels that go into this aspect of it?

MexicanYenta

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