I might've ruined one of my closest friendships. Should I make amends?

• The backstory might shed light, but it's long and I'm sorry if it bores you. I might make a TL;DR sentence, but I suggest you read the whole thing.TL;DR. Befriended girl and crushed, had a lot of issues that turned me off, turned into a very close friend, badly timed telling her about dead feelings, and managed to still communicate until I had to back off for a bit. Don't know what I should do? Apologies guys, this is a VERY long and in-depth post. I wrote this a while back, but my feelings have been changing over the time that's passed. Still, I feel like the best answers will come after carefully reading all of this. I met this girl that we'll refer to as "C" the beginning of my sophomore year as a transfer student to a new college. I live off campus so making friends is a challenge on top of a long existing depression that up until recently was completely untouched. I got to know her and we began talking and studying and having all kinds of fun in class. I started crushing on her a little bit. During winter break we talked about much deeper things and how we were unhappy with our lives. Our conversations included a lot of venting, helping out each other and discussing some very personal things about each other that we haven't told anyone else about. I was surprised at how friendly she was to spending her time talking to me, probably because she didn't really make an effort to meet other people since she spend a lot of time with her now ex boyfriend, "J". The biggest mistake I made was misinterpreting her open attitude and unfiltered dialogue as her confiding in me because I was giving her compassion and she liked me. I thought we were closer than we actually were. However, the more we talked, the more I realized this mistake. She had a lot of emotional baggage that while it made me feel very sympathetic for her, it definitely killed off that crush I had. I myself have a lot of baggage too. I'd be a better friend than anything else, because at the time I was seeing someone else who went back to their ex and I had moved on, and also because I wasn't sure I was ready to date again. I made it clear to my self that I was going to be there as a friend for her because she didn't make an effort to make new friends. C and J were on a "break" but C decided it was time she broke up with J, and we kept talking more, but she started talking about this other guy she had feelings for that we'll call "B" when she was dating her ex. It had been a while since they contacted each other and she asked me if she should contact him. He was at first a friend to her, but they had some connection and he told her she should stay with her now ex boyfriend. I didn't read this part in the text and I wish I did. This was a small red flag because it hadn't been too long since she and J had called it quits. We still talked, and our conversations were awesome. The second semester started and we hung out 2 times in a single day, but she had her time and mind occupied over reaching out to B. Even though I didn't think it'd work, I said go for it. He replied to her within minutes and picked things up, and I was upset that she could just so easily fall in love with someone she hadn't seen in a year, and then the thought of being abandoned made me freak out. She told me how in love she was with him and that things simply felt right with him. I was nervous that the only friend I had made on campus would spend all of her time with someone else. I know people care about me and tell me I mean a lot to them, but the thought that they'll always choose someone else over me, romantically or not keeps killing me to this day. I decided to man up and acknowledge that no one was obligated to do things with me and that they do it for themselves, so I would put that time and energy into myself. For some idiotic reason I felt like C should know that I crushed on her. C told me she was going to talk to B about it one day. Feeling motivated by her choice, I then told her I used to have feelings and that now I could only see her as a friend because she was too valuable a friend to ruin anything, and I told her she needed to tell B how she felt that very day. We both acknowledged that we needed to address our issues immediately. The entire conversation happened via text, and I now realize that the way I worded my message and delivery was totally misinterpreted and terribly timed. It made me seem like I was madly in love with her at one point. I should have called her or just waited until B told her how he felt but it's too late now. I thought it was over right there and then because things were probably awkward. She still continued to talk with me even after I told her that. It was as if the conversation had never happened. She told her crush how she felt and he still didn't feel the same after all this time and I was so upset for her. C was very hurt and confused and she kept bringing herself down as she told me everything she told him. I tried my best to console her and motivate her, but it got to a point where I realize she needed to be alone for a while. She thanked me, and I told her I'd be around, ending it there. I had to pull over on the drive back to my parent's home because I was physically hurting. I needed time to process this, and was ready to just give everything a reboot and move on. I was okay with the idea that she wasn't going to talk again, but she did. She texted me the very next morning with a quote from The Office, a show we are both fans of. I took that as a sign that our friendship came out alright. I was totally fine with being her friend and only her friend, but I didn't set too many boundaries, and that's where things began slowly getting worse. At this point it was February. C informed me that she hadn't talked with B in a couple of days, and that they probably weren't friends anymore, but she was going to enjoy life. The next thing you know, things only got better for C. She takes homeopathic meds, and her anxiety and depression have seemingly disappeared. Then, she began connecting with new and old friends. C started flaking on me, and was meeting more new people and making new friends and was all kinds of happy. She had gotten to know this 6'8 and rather effeminate guy "T" who shares some interests and is very popular on campus. To be honest she always had many platonic guy friends, but I have no doubt that she seems to be becoming good friends with T the same way I became friends with her. She was still the only person I considered a good friend on campus, and I noticed that she was getting distant but was puzzled that she was still talking with me so I assumed things were fine. I had kept asking her if she was ever going to hang, but she made some excuses saying she was busy. Now that I look back I didn't really read into her hints, but if she really didn't want to talk, she should've just stopped texting me back. She made it seem like everything was okay, and I really could not tell so I kept things going. We talked about music, French, TV shows and silly stuff. I didn't ever bring anything up about B anymore seeing as it wasn't really necessary. I assumed it was because C is a very dedicated student who has a vague idea of what she wants to do as a job. Three weeks ago she was wishing me happy birthday, drunk texting with me on a Friday night and sending me puppy pictures so I was thinking things were still fine. She definitely initiated conversations with me so it wasn't like I was being too excessive, but it was just confusing. After my birthday weekend I felt things were going to improve. Until the first week of March. Normally I would only communicate with her every couple of days or a week, so I wouldn't be so overbearing but somehow keep the conversation going. Things changed for the worse. The first week of March came and I had a terrible time, injuring both legs, damaging my car, having fights with my parents, declining health and school issues came up and I ran into C on too many coincidences, and sent her a bunch of messages, mostly ignored. I bought a concert ticket for her and she was really thankful but she asked to buy it off of me and it didn't really go very well. I ended up getting drunk some weeks back, and I told myself I was going to apologize to C and finally figure things out. Lo and behold, I asked her on a Saturday morning if i was being obnoxiousness for that week. She said I was kind of obnoxious, but she just didn't want to talk all the time and she felt that I ignored the hints that she didn't really want to talk. I told her I knew there were hints but that I couldn't accept them because I wasn't sure what she was doing, so I told her that she be direct. I had no idea what I was saying because that wasn't the case at all. I really wasn't sure, but I was shaking and couldn't think straight but alas, too late to turn back. C said "Okay well there you go." She stated it wasn't necessarily that I told her I had feelings right after she told me about the guy, but mainly because I kept texting her too much. I was just trying to keep the friendship going, but I never had the chance to really explain myself. I had gotten on her nerves and apologized profusely and I offered to make up, but she said to "kind of just stop texting her right now" and "like just give it a rest", so I backed off and am giving her the space she needs. I don't necessarily know if we aren't friends anymore because the way she left things at were a bit ambiguous. I was pretty bummed, but I took it a lot better than I thought. Nevertheless I told myself I needed to move past this. I haven't talked to C since, nor am I going to attempt to any time in the near future. I've been making efforts to bond with new people and old friends. I've even met another girl back in February who I've been talking with recently, but the more I look back I realize how I didn't think these things through and made such stupid mistakes. It's clear this has been bothering me a lot. I went through our text conversations from months back and teared up at the things we said. C and I poured our hearts and minds out to each other and we were so thankful of everything we did for each other, but I just made her uncomfortable with the timing and the misinterpretation amongst other things. There were so many things that didn't need to happen, but my deep rooted emotional issues have once again forced someone I care about to cast me aside. She wasn't a girl I wanted to just date because I would have no problem moving on: She was possibly one of the closest and most open friends I have ever had, and I burned the bridges. Our paths cross on the way to our classes, and as I walk towards her we both bury our heads in our phones and try not to make eye contact, or we give a very bittersweet/half-assed hello and continue on if we do. I nearly considered attempting suicide because once again I was back at square one, but I came to my senses and realized that doing so would permanently hurt her and leave her filled with guilt. This isn't the first time I've made this mistake, and the last time it happened I made amends successfully with my ex girlfriend, who at one point was my best friend. Even though me and my ex seldom talk, it felt good for me knowing we are on good terms. For now though, I've been going to concerts, meeting new people and enjoying things. Thinking about C has begun to fade a bit but I like making up for my mistakes. Some time from now, be it a couple of months or even a year or two, I want to reach out to C and properly apologize and acknowledge the scope of my actions. I had written a letter to put my feelings down on paper, but I don't know if it'll ever reach her hands. I want to be on good terms with her. I'm not asking for much to be honest other than deeply apologize for how I made C feel, and acknowledge how guilty I've been feeling. I'd like to be friends again, or just lightly chat with her every now and then, but it's all up to her. If she's willing to reconcile then that's fantastic. If she isn't, I really won't care by then. At least I gave her the chance. Summer will be coming soon and all my close high school friends are coming back, so I can occupy all my time with them. But is it worth trying out anyway?

• Answer:

  Hi there, I'm sorry you're in this situation. In my experience, the only thing that is going to make this better is to show that you can respect her wishes by not communicating with her for a while, and by 'for a while', I mean 'until she initiates contact again.' If she does initiate contact again, my suggestion would be to return about the same level of contact; that is, if she asks "Hey, how's it going?", do not respond with a long written apology. Waiting a while and abruptly sending her a long apology will make things bad. When people fail to respect boundaries, it often makes other people wonder what other kinds of boundaries they won't respect. The converse is true as well; if you show people that you are able to respect boundaries, they are more inclined to trust you, because you have demonstrated that you respect their boundaries. You may mentally be trying to put this in terms of 'But I'm trying to apologize, which is a good/acceptable way of contact'. This is not true. This will only make things worse. It kind of seems like this is difficult for you because you're regarding her as your only good friend at college, which is a lot of pressure, both for you and her. I'd like to suggest that you try to go out, try new things, and make friends. You can't force anybody to like you, or be your friend, or anything like that; you can just put yourself out there, and some people are going to like you. And some people won't. Try not to worry too much about the people who don't. Also http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0380810336/metafilter-20/ref=nosim/ has helped me recognize when I was starting down bad thought patterns; possibly it could help you.