Passion ambivalence - committed to relationship when in love with third?

If we didn't grow up thinking that a finished relationship equals a failed one this would not be so hard. Ask me how I know. (Literally - feel free to MeMail me). You loved your partner, you took care of her, you helped her during a part of her life's journey. Now your relationship feels like it is at an end because you have reached another part of your own journey, in that you have needs and desires that you're not able to meet with her (and probably vice versa). That's ok. End it with love and gratitude and compassion. Take time to grieve the loss - and you will grieve - and then start the next chapter. People talk about limerence a lot on the site, but sometimes you do actually fall in real love with someone else. Maybe a relationship with this new person might just prove to be the catalyst to ending a relationship that has run it's course and will be short-lived. Or maybe this is the person you're meant to be with and you can enjoy a relationship that fulfills you intellectually, emotionally AND sexually and you will be really happy. Check out http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0452275350/metafilter-20/ref=nosim/. Good luck.

It is not natural for a mom to feel sexual desire for her child. You created a parent/child relationship with your current partner, which killed the sex. People who are in parent/child relationships tend to recreate them with everyone they are with. The desire for the new person is hot right now but once you start fixing her problems, it will fade as well. Basically, it doesn't matter who you are with at this point- without changing your behaviors, the end will always be the same.

It's only been two years and you haven't been feeling sexual towards this person for one and a half years? Break up! You've been roommates and good friends, but not romantic partners. Also, why wait to be with the person you love? Don't pick at yourself like that. Nothing is wrong. You didn't do anything wrong. You stuck around and helped someone you care for deeply finish law school. That's all. Every relationship ends until the one that doesn't. No therapy or harsh self-judgement or labeling the incompatibilities that arise between folks will ever ever fix that Life Truth. You don't need therapy, you need to date the person you're hot for!

If you hadn't been "feeling alive", I'm not sure that's a reflection of the *person* you were in a relationship with so much as it stems from the dynamic you two created together. It's primarily a reflection of how you are living your life on a daily basis -- if you are deciding to parent your partner instead of deciding to date them, then yeah, you're probably not going to feel alive. If you are deciding to pursue interests and activities that make you feel alive, then yeah, you'll probably feel alive. If you are only pursuing interests and activities that make you feel alive WITH a person who is not your partner, then yeah, you will probably only feel alive with this other person. You get it? The point is, neither of these women is actually capable of *making* you feel alive, nor are they responsible for doing so -- that's your job. You seem to be giving a lot of your own power away to this new person you're in love with, as if they are the source of your new lease on life, but that can't possibly be true. You're generating your own excitement in the presence of this person. So in the end, it's not about making a decision between a person who makes you feel BLAH and a person who makes you feel AMAZING, it's a choice between the life you want to create for yourself on a daily basis. All this to say, I'd say get some counseling during your break to figure out why you willingly took on a parental role in a relationship. I disagree with the notion that it's normal or okay that you played mama to a grown woman. You said you walked on eggshells for TWO YEARS. That may sound noble, but it's a lot time to choose, on a daily basis, to be unhappy. At the very least, you owe it to yourself to understand the thought process that allowed you to create such a miserable circumstance. I also recommend taking full responsibility for your feelings, and giving up the delusion that this other lady has the ability to bring you unending joy. You have no idea how a relationship with her will turn out. No matter what you decide, you are the one who is going to have to make yourself feel alive. Maybe also take this as valuable information for the future: If you take on the parental role in a romance, you will not feel alive. So don't do that.

If you keep building a parent/child relationship with your partners then the desire for sex will fade, as it's a non sexual relationship. I have had a similar problem with me in my relationship, there is a 16 year age difference & so easy for me to mother my husband without thinking. I have had to take a serious step back & go, OK the mothering stops, you start acting like an adult & I start treating you like one or our sex life is going to die. So we did, it's taken us 18 months to get back to the feeling like we are both equals & our sex life has improved no end, I mean it's not back at the hot & heavy new partner levels, but from once every 3 months to 2 or so times a week, which is a level we can live with. Here's the thing we both had to change, not only did I have to stop "parenting" him, he had to step up and stop being the "child", he had to take responsibility for things, and follow through without me nagging. He had to start taking initiative etc etc. Our definitions won't be yours, but you will need to trial & error & find the things you both need to work on to change your relationship definitions and do the work. Having said that, neither of us had a shiny new thing we were interested in, and we were committed to fixing the relationship. She deserves a partner who treats her as an equal, you deserve a partner who will fill the roll of an equal, as others have said good relationships end and if you already have your sights set somewhere else, even a little, then maybe an ending isn't a bad thing for both of you, not every person comes into your life for forever & there is nothing wrong with that.

I doubt it is still only limerance with the other one, as it has been going on a bit too long for that. Limerence isn't necessarily time-bound; it's more often a state that changes as the relationship evolves. You've experienced nothing but highs with this other woman, so you're really excited about her, but the real test of a relationship is what the lows and the unremarkable regular moments are like. The strong feelings you've got for her right now aren't sustainable. The answer to your general question - stability or passion? - is that you really need both. It sounds like your current relationship is over, other woman or not. I don't know if a relationship with the new person is going to last or fulfill you in the long run.

If you're going to keep trying, you're going to have to try the sex part, as well. If you are 100% disinterested in sex with your current partner, then let her go. However, if you want to rebuild this relationship, you can't do so on an intellectual level and leave the physical for later. Since this is a big part of why you're straying, I would see if you can rekindle that interest by trying with her, not by separating and thinking it over.

@ gingerst and fritillary: very interesting comments. And so true: Absolute honesty, or at least all of a polyamorous relationship consenting to the same set of rules, is important. I have given the polyamour some thought. For a while, after I hear of it the first time, I felt great, as that seemed to explain my dilemma. @ hush: you are so right. I need to pay more attention to my good friends. And mum. I think one thing that helps me is letting go of the thought of a "failed relationship" and seeing it as a "relationship that has run its course". Because one reason I stuck with my current partner was me not wanting to acknowledged that I had managed to "f*ck up" yet another relationship. Thank you all of the others for your insightful and thought-provoking comments!

Be aware that the issue has a very real, non-zero, not even small chance of being "I'm not sexually attracted to my partner, only to my lover on the side/others", instead of "I'm not sexually attracted to this particular partner, only to my lover on the side/others". The worst part is: you are the person in the world least likely to be able to objectively judge your own motivations here. Humans are capable of convincing themselves for decades of... anything, really. Regardless, the relationship you are in is ruinous to both of you, since a healthy, loving sex life is what you are withholding. Get out of this relationship, and seek one in which you are attracted sexually to your partner. If that one ends up heading for no-sex-land, seek a therapist. Or seek one now. It's not like they'll harm you if you don't need their help, and their advice can be useful to any of us.