Why can I not get over my abusive boyfriend?

I strongly suggest you call the National Domestic Violence Hotline and talk to someone at 800-799-7233 . You're describing the awful web of being caught in an abusive relationship. Please get help. Granted, I am an internet stranger, but going by what you've written about this person, I think you can assume he's not done with you yet. You have described an irrational person who has already held you against your will, broken into your house and threatened you. His ex had to escape from him and he was stalking her the same time he was with you. Please, take steps to get help and protect yourself. This guy is dangerous.

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Please don't be cruel to yourself over the fact that you still feel attachment to this guy. I think many people who have been through what you're going through will have gone through a grieving process and few of them will have opened the bottle of champagne. Please take this with the caveat that this is very much me mapping my own experiences onto what you've described, but here goes. There's a certain kind of rationalizing that you can do if you're abused as a child, or if you've got mental illness or drug addiction in your family, where you learn how to make the bad stuff that happens to you "disappear." I mean, you learn to suppress and discount the shitty things that are done to you, because you have no way of leaving those situations when you're little, and facing the fact that the people who you're depending on are horrible to you is absolutely terrifying. So I think you can start to look at that disappearing process as though that's the thing you do to show your love for the people who are hurting you, and you start to look at yourself as someone who's good at tolerating outbursts like that and then moving on, someone who doesn't need the people around them to be stable. There's a logic to that. But it also makes you feel comfortable in dramatic situations as an adult, and you don't really develop the skills to recognize red flags and stand up for yourself, because all along you've had to ignore red flags to maintain a semblance of comfort, and you've looked at "finding a way to deal with it" as the good thing, and standing up for yourself as the bad thing. You've learned that defining your own desires is dangerous and therefore the prospect of having to work out what you want and learn to set boundaries with people is terrifying. And once those people start throwing affection your way, you're completely thrown, because you've always wanted it but never been comfortable accepting it. Maybe you're aware of this on some level and avoid relationships because of how scared you are of getting close to someone and then having to set a boundary. And healthy people have a way of sensing this about you and stay away from having relationships with you. Or maybe they don't sense this about you, but they don't get the sense that you're a safe intimate partner. So you don't get a whole lot of attention from healthy people, but you wind up looking good to cunty guys because they can get away with being cunty guys to you, and downright manipulative , dangerous, abusive assholes like the guy you're describing have learned exactly what to do to draw you in. They can see you coming before you see them, and they test you and break you down in subtle ways, and by the time you realize what's happened, you're hooked. I hope you avail yourself of whatever domestic violence protection options are available to you, and stick with your appointment. You might also consider reading http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/, which is a very awesome blog. For what it's worth, you will hopefully get to a point where you are looking forward, optimistically at opportunities to connect with people instead of back at this situation. I was in a relationship a little over ten years ago where the woman I was with would have outbursts of anger, violence, accusations, and so on, and I got out. And it sucked. And if there is one thing I could have told myself back then to make it easier, it would be, "Dude, eventually this will not be a big deal anymore. You'll meet people, they'll throw up red flags, and you'll recognize them and step away from those situations without a second thought, and go out and find someone who will give you a good relationship instead, and all of this will be a distant memory."

Upon your updates, I am terrified for you. With respect, he broke into your house - you don't seem to grasp what that means. Everything you describe is pretty text book for relationships where the woman ends up in the hospital or worse. No exaggeration, this is exactly how this happens. This is the path these tragic crimes follow. Your first job here is to go to stay someplace safe. Then pick up the phone, and find someone who will tell you the truth about mental illness and domestic violence. Your nonchalance in the face of so much danger is deeply concerning. You describe the actions of someone truly unhinged. That all of this drama and violations happened in 3 short months? What is the disconnect? From coming on fast and strong, to the jealousy, to the triangulating with his ex gf, to breaking into your house -- this person is a predator -- this is how predators act. Get someplace safe and call a crisis hotline for clarity and advice, resources for someone professional to support you. Stay safe.

It's simple: Whatever he did wrong, he is the only man who actually gave you the attention you wanted and needed. It's like finally feeding someone who is starving, but lacing it with poison that makes them ill but doesn't kill too quickly. It's time for you to learn what a healthy emotional diet looks like and that it's okay to get fed adequately, and without the craziness. If you have never had the attention you need, it can be hard to tell the difference between positive attention and negative attention. Now you have had a taste of getting the attention you need and how sublime that is. What you need to learn next is how to do that in a healthy way. At the moment, you have two mental models: Men who won't pay attention to you and men who will but are stalkers and nuts. It's time to figure out a third model, one where it is possible to get the attention you need, minus the crazy drama. Best of luck.

This doesn't answer your question at all, but please start documenting any contact he attempts with you, as there is a good chance he will and that it will be problematic. Be prepared to talk to the police about a restraining order.

independent of how to get over this... the guy broke in to your house while you were actively still having a relationship. i would honestly go to the police now and see if you can get a protection/restraining order. i can't escape the feeling that the radio silence now is just the calm before the storm, and that this is not the end. especially with his other ex saying she had been stalked for month. you need to be proactive in protecting yourself here. as much as it sucks, this shitmess is likely in no way over.

I went through something similar and did the same dance for a year. You are not stupid nor are you crazy. Actually you were most likely sourced for your kindness and sensitivity, or your ability to put up with the self doubt this kind of crazy shit produces. Maybe it's childhood damage from a parent like this, maybe it is just that you are a highly sensitive person. A classic M.O. of these kinda guys is to find a flaw he can beat you with. Mine was infidelity, also past drug use. Your dude searched and searched for evidence of a flaw in you that he could exploit when he couldn't figure out how else to control you. A ha! Drug use. Big deal. http://www.slideshare.net/jenimawter/red-flags-to-narcissistic-personality-disorder-compiled-by-jeni-mawter http://www.slideshare.net/jenimawter/moving-on-from-narcissistic-abuse-due-to-narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd-compiled-by-jeni-mawter helped me enormously when I was right where you are now, as in knowing absolutely that I could not ever be in relationship with him, but desperately wanting him to contact me. At first when you watch the slides, you think 'oh, this is sooo basic' but watch them every time you feel like he has some redeeming features, or that you might be in the wrong. Seriously. I used them daily to remind me of the reality of the psychological gamut I was running. I was aching all over, feeling abandoned, berating myself etc - BUT it got better. I tried writing reasonable emails when I was frazzled. Don't do it! They go nowhere. I tried being acquaintances on Facebook but he just played games so I blocked him completely. You have to do that - block him completely. The ex-girlfriend scenario you describe is one I know to a T. No one is allowed their life with him, or after him. Everything is scrutinised and evaluated against this rage machine. Abandonment by his prey is what he fears and hates the most. It will get violent inevitably with these guys. I had the same thing happen to me. Tell your friends what has happened. Corral support from them. My closest girlfriends contacted me every day to tell me I was worthy, strong and resilient, that I could break the addiction. You can do it, you can do it, you can do it. You can get this piece of shit out of your life.

If you are having reactions to the severity of these comments about your safety, such as 'oh, it's not THAT bad' and 'Oh, they don't really know how much I get his pain/miss him/believe in his love of me' I know how you feel. You probably feel bad for painting him the way you have to us. Maybe you are having second thoughts about whether you exaggerated, or misframed things and now we all seem to be on a bandwagon towards criminalising him unnecessarily. That's okay to feel that way. But if even a fraction of the things you wrote about his behaviour are factual [and I believe that you have been ultra factual btw, and trust your perception] you have a situation that many of us have experienced, and know how it ends. My ex I discovered had restraining orders against him from previous lovers. He also had previous lovers still locked in the dance with him - alternately throwing him away but also missing him and making contact - many years later. One of the restraining orders was for biting his ex's face. Read that again: biting his ex's face. Til she bled. This is a guy his enabling friends laud for his profound gentleness of character and good intentions in life. Your inner kernel of belief in yourself, the kernel that says this is CRAZY, is what you need to expand into a boundary around YOU, against this enormous intrusion into your life. I will also say that if my experience illuminates anything, a guy you met online who has behaved this way, has a whole stable of women he is in communication with sourced the same way. There is a kind of narcissistic dance going on in your approach too. I had to examine my own stuff when this happened to me. I thought I was truly his One n Only and he'd realise it and change. Uh uh. Give up that thought. Cut off the narcissistic supply - you tell him you miss him, he gets a reward. Cut off the supply, de-oxygenate that supply by total silence. No matter what he says. And call someone from the sites linked above. Do it and don't feel shame, don't minimise, just lay it out and let them advise you.

And if he does show up again, calling the police is an absolutely reasonable response. Please don't think that's overkill.