Is it okay to want more interesting friends? Can I get them?

Ive noticed that a lot of people who struggle with friendships do so because they're really insecure and judge themselves harshly and in turn judge other people harshly. They always seem to be sizing you up and that's an annoying and depressing energy to want to engage with. I personally think people are interesting for lots of reasons, and if you're kind and open then they aren't feeling alienated and reserved by the judgy-feelings you're unknowingly giving off. Basically, to make real friends and not just "collect people" in a disingenuous way to make yourself seem cooler, you have to actually like people and want to build real relationships with them. Without that, you end up in weird friendships, like some people I know have, where they claim they have a buddy who is xyz/interesting and they're not actually real friends, just acquaintances who sooner or later feel wary of you. I've had other women try to "collect me" because they're lonely and it's never fun to be friends with someone who is judgmental, much less to have to hang out with them or have conversations with them.

At the beginning of undergrad, my social life, for the most part, was pretty active and great.Part of this is that you're coming in expecting the same ease of making friends that you had when you were in college. Sorry to say, that's never going to happen. I'm probably in about the same place you're in. I don't have a whole lot of friends, and the ones I do manage to keep up with are busy with something more important – a wife or husband, kids, or traveling for work. I only mention this to normalize your experience. Yes, this is normal. No, you aren't a weirdo. I haven't gone to grad school yet and people are a bit put off by that.Uh.. what? Who the fuck are you socializing with? Are people really saying, "Oh, you mean you don't have your M.A. yet? Uh... actually, the pool party is cancelled." Why would you want to be friends with these people?It's kind of depressing (and resentment-causing) feeling like there's no one who likes me and who I can call up to do something I'd truly find funI get what you're saying, but this is all in your head, and it's going to hurt your ability to make new connections in life if you don't deal with it. If you really don't believe you're a worthwhile person who people want to be around, your efforts at making new friends will not be successful, simply because you won't recognize when you meet the right people. I think you have some issues around self-esteem to work through. I also don't quite understand why your go-to option for friends is your ex's friends. These are people who are probably primed to dislike you. But beyond that, I think that friendships as a 27+ year old adult are quite different from friendships as a college student slash early-20s person, and your expectations are out of alignment. The friendships you made in undergrad were forged in the fire of a massive shared experience, in which you lived within close quarters of your peers during a pivotal moment in your development. That's probably not going to happen again. So you need a new model for relationships. You need to meet your peers and spend time with them in some collective experience. I can't tell you what that looks like, but for me it meant joining a gym and taking up a strenuous athletic activity. The nice thing about being finding friends as an adult is that you can be involved in a lot of disparate activities so your peers are diverse.

Check for something to do on http://meetup.com. There is nothing wrong with wanting people in your life who will challenge you and push you to be better. Cultivate interesting hobbies. Make a list of things you'd like to do. Figure out how to incorporate those things. Learning interesting things often leads to meeting interesting people.

Just want to say that you are not alone in this. Your story from beginning to end is very similar to that of one of my friends who recently moved away. Depression, life changes, major relationship changing, demanding job, moving to a bigger city - all of it has meant some pretty lonely times for her. The big city thing especially seems to suck for people in their late 20's-early 30's making new friends. It's not you. I really doubt you're "unattractive as a friend." It just sucks sometimes. People have flaked on plans with my friend, like, an hour before plans were going to start and it really hurts. When I moved to a bigger city in a foreign country were I soon found out I didn't speak the language nearly as well as I thought, what really helped me make friends was taking classes in things I was interested in. I got to practice my language skills in the context of something I really liked, got homework which kept me busy, and got to know people over the course of weeks instead of one night at a meet up. When the class would end, I had an excuse not to hang out with people I didn't click with and a context for following up with people I did. Trying new bars and concerts and knowing fun places to go dancing make you sound interesting to me. I would love to have a friend that invited me along to concerts because I never take the time to investigate the new bands. I started hanging out with a friend of mine who's a transplant from across the country because she goes to my gym and was mentioning some fun-sounding dance night at a bar and invited me along. Turns out she's awesome and we've been friends now for a year.

It sounds like finding others who have common interests is really important to you. You've mentioned a couple of them: art and food. Why don't you try and meet people who you know are into these things? It seems like that would be a common basis for friendship. Meetup is a great site for finding those kinds of people / activities. Yes, you can hope for better! Taking the first step in that direction by reaching out is the only possibility you have of getting where you want to be. "Big things have small beginnings." And anyone that turns up their nose at you for not having gone to grad school (seriously?) is someone that you don't need to be friends with. You're trying to pull people to art galleries, for Christ's sake. That sounds plenty cultured to me. Don't beat up on yourself because you're finding it difficult to establish meaningful friendships as an adult. It's a problem that http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-challenge-of-making-friends-as-an-adult.html.

Go and join some clubs/groups/meet-ups where you can learn a new hobby that you would define as exciting or interesting and stick with it for a while (rock climbing? life drawing? mountain biking? crochet? Whatever appeals to you). You'll kill two birds with one stone - meet new people who are potential friends and become more interesting for your own definition of what makes people interesting. And it never hurts to have an intruiging hobby you can chat about to new people you meet in other places. I'm 40 and make new friends reasonably regularly by taking up new activities and pursuing them. It's definitely not over in your late 20s.

If you want more interesting friends, you'll have to go do more interesting things. Go to art gallery events, go to foodie meetups (and book-signings and talks and that sort of thing) and take food classes, audition for plays and volunteer to schlep chairs and usher at the playhouse, go knit, investigate a religion (or absence of religion). You will also have to accept that nobody in their late 20s has time for teenage/college-style intense emotionally overdemanding friendships anymore. People have careers, partners, they have kids or are getting ready to, they have aging parents and health problems of their own and time constraints. By your 30s, you may only see your bestest friend 2-3 times a month. But there is still friendship and socialization to be found on those terms I find that joining groups works best, just statistically for getting exposed to the most people with a similar interest, but also the group provides a hub and a frequency and that's easier for people as they get busier - hiking club is 2nd and 4th Saturday mornings unless it's a holiday weekend, and once a quarter there's a pub crawl (hike), or the Lady Atheists have Book Club Brunch first Sunday of every month whether anyone has read the book or not. You'll make a friend here or there that you start seeing off the schedule, you'll find out one of them is a neighbor or works near you, things will take off from there. And fuck your ex, why are you still letting him control your friendships with people who might be better than him? You already found out: they all are!

I see lots of regular-looking people around my age doing these things all over my city. Keep doing these things. Go to the same yoga class every week. Join book clubs and language meetups. Consistency is key if you're not one of those 2% of people who can instantly strike up a friendship with a stranger. Yes, it's not going to be as fun alone, but keep doing it alone so that you have things to mention to Likely Friend Candidates when you have conversations with them that turn into you asking if they want you to invite them along the next time you try a new restaurant,etc. Also, be clear to the friends you do have that you are trying to expand your social circle and make room in your life for more group activities, and that you'd love to be invited along if they need a +1 for something. Making friends as a post-college adult is both extremely rewarding and a total drag. How I did it: community choirs + contra dance + friends of friends + church + a smattering of queer activism. I just went to grad school and I can tell you that having a high-powered consulting job where you work 60-hour weeks totally counts for as much social capital as an advanced degree, although YMMV based on region. Also, your ex was full of crap.

I haven't gone to grad school yet and people are a bit put off by that. I think it might be the energy you're giving off that they might be put off by. I've never ended/excluded anyone for not having a grad degree. I have left people off lists for not being warm and kind or if I think they'll just cling to me and not be friendly to other guests or fun to be around. Not if they're a little shy or awkward or anything, so long as they're able to socialize. But if they're mean, talk behind people's backs, are petty or have some kind of agenda or disloyal, I don't enjoy that kind of negative energy. Nobody does. Have you considered rekindling any of your friendships from college? What kind of friendships were they? I actually transferred undergrads and my best friends from freshman year (they're all married and I'm single and on the opposite coast) are still my bffs---we're even closer now than we were then (mostly because of constant texting and celebrating milestones in their lives). It ends up mattering how long you've known someone. ( I just got a lovely text yesterday from my grad school friend who also moved to the opposite coast about how her FB feed brought up a 10 yr photo of us at graduation. She humored me by going to karaoke with me bc I wanted to try it last time I was in her city and kept me from falling asleep with a plastic bag over my head that I put on when I was drunk after karaoke). My basic point is: stop comparing yourself to others, stop judging people, and "rating people" (low hanging fruit friends vs people you aspire to be/join the ranks of). I think you'll be happier and more relaxed and find best friends. People want to be around people who are warm and kind and genuine and caring. And seriously, being able to build genuine friendships is so important, whether you're single or have a boyfriend/husband. You'll need emotional support through life, and cultivate the ability to Form non-romantic intimate relationships. So I think maybe therapy might be an important way to find out why you're having trouble making friends.