Addressing the need for me-time in a LDR

It sounds like you guys had a pretty good rhythm that was making you both feel sufficiently connected and prioritized, but the past month has been, well, shit. I can entirely see how your girlfriend might be feeling less nurtured--the problem is she's blaming it on you and your priorities, when the real thing to blame is just Life Bein' Life. I think there are multiple adult ways to address the situation, but the most effective one in my opinion would be by first addressing the validity of her feelings, and then asserting your boundaries: "GF, I know this month has been crazy and we have definitely not been able to stay connected in the way that I know we both prefer and are used to. I'm feeling the lack of it, too. However, I really need this weekend to recharge and take care of some things that have fallen through the cracks. This is a hard decision for me to make, because I love being with you, but I firmly believe that getting this weekend to myself will make me a better, more present partner with you NEXT weekend, when we absolutely will see each other. I understand that it's upsetting, but I hope you can accept my needing this time. And remember, in September, we get to stop doing this juggling act!"

As someone that survived an LDR for almost 6 years with both partners being half a world away from each other & seeing each other only rarely. I moved to where he lived & we have been married 5 years now. It is really hard in an LDR to keep the connection going and finding small ways to do that will help a lot to relieve some of her fears. She is planning on moving her whole life, how will you cope with her around 24/7 if you can't handle the odd stressful weekend? Is that something you may want to think about before she moves. She is moving, I suspect she may have chosen the grad school she did to be with you (I am not sure of relationship length etc from your question so I am assuming as it seems very coincidental otherwise), it is only fair you help to, helping someone look for a place is not the same emotional investment as actually upping your life and moving, if my partner then spend the weekend after I was working on a plan to be closer to them, basically not wanting anything to do with me I'd be feeling like I needed nurturing too because I'd be starting to question why I was moving if he didn't' want me around. I am not saying it's rational, I'm saying there is more to this than just being needy. I suspect you will find her need for attention relates to her fears. Find a compromise, because if you are thinking long term relationship you need to find a way to recharge while she is around. That would be something you could work on together. "Hey babe you know I am introverted & need to recharge can we find a way I can do that that will still make you feel nurtured?" Then work to find something that helps. My husband and I parallel work, we used to do the same thing only over skype. Camera on we could chat with each other on & off while doing our own thing on the computer, now we do it on computers next to each other in the same room.

Try this: "I agree that it's a bummer that I can't come. I'm sorry you feel less than nurtured and I hope that this is a passing emotion that you are relaying to me in the interest of full disclosure and not a judgment on me. I feel pretty overwhelmed and have always found that your support, even from afar, can help me through that. Please let me know what I can do for you from afar that will help you feel nurtured."

One last update… We've spoken and agreed that we need to have a long conversation about all this next week. Right now, I need rest, and I think she sees that — I'm feeling quite anxious and depressed today, a sure sign that I'm close to burning out. I know that three days alone won't sort me out completely, but it will go a long way to getting me back on an even keel - certainly even enough to be capable of being the company she deserves next week. Thank you all for your help. I guess we'll find our way.

OP, if you go, you're going to be implicitly telling her that all she has to do is throw a tantrum and you'll give up everything you need for yourself, such as time alone to rest and recharge, and attend to her wishes. That's a bad precedent to set, because sooner or later, Life is going to Happen again. And you'll find yourself in this situation, with her having a strop and you having to drop everything and if you can't just drop everything, her escalating the situation. I'd be more sympathetic to her if you were sunning yourself on a beach somewhere, but that's the opposite of what the case is here. Most supportive partners would be doing what they could to help lighten the load you're under right now, not double down on it and make it worse for you. For all she's talking about you not making her a priority, she doesn't seem to be making you one for herself. Her handling of this situation is kind of red flag-y to me.

I hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people: that each protects the solitude of the other. - R.M. Rilke People need time alone. You specifically need time to recharge right now. Your girlfriend is not meeting this task. She is not helping you protect your solitude. She is trying to step on your boundaries and is punishing you for not re-drawing them because she doesn't like them. She is not being reasonable. She's also given you a hell of a lot of data about the way that she handles things. I'm a bit angry on your behalf: Why is she begrudging you a weekend? In the grand scheme of things, this is nothing - it's a few days, and then you'll see her next weekend. This is nothing. She's shown you that in this situation your needs don't matter as much to her as her own needs, and that's pretty profoundly difficult to get past in a relationship. She would rather punish you and attempt to make your alone time this weekend unpleasant by turning off her phone and fuming at you because she fundamentally does not care about how you feel right now. She is supposed to love you, and she is not protecting you or your solitude right now. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I'll leave you with one thing that has always helped me when I'm dealing with interpersonal issues with people who are not treating me well: Pay attention. Pay attention to how she makes you feel when you assert a totally rational, reasonable, logical boundary. Pay attention to yourself. And take care of yourself.

From what I recall of my days in an LDR, it would have been a huuuuuge deal if I wasted a three day weekend and an extra(!) day with my SO because I was tired. I saw my ex when I had pneumonia, for the record, and was too exhausted to walk very far to a bus stop and I still did it. Guess who gave me it, though? So I think you are going to have to suck it up and see her, tired or no. This is a huge deal in LDRland. "I would see if you could make the energy to have her there for the long weekend. "Honey, I love you, but I can't drive up two weekends in a row without killing myself. why don't you come down-- I can't promise you lots of excitement, but we can snuggle through the weekend and cook breakfast together." I would do this. You sound so ragged I wouldn't trust your safe driving, and if you're about to keel over, she needs to make the effort if she wants to see you and realize that it'll be a snuggle with TV weekend. But I would not deny her entirely. She's already quite unhappy and un-nurtured--so you need to do something. That shit backs up in an LDR.

How can I address this in an adult fashion without seeming like I don't love her or that I'm avoiding her? Just like this person: I told her that: I couldn't afford to come down two weekends in a row I really needed the upcoming weekend to recharge I had plans to do writing, etc. (of which she's very supportive) at the weekend. I wonder to what extent she or both of you are pegging each other's mental health to the other person and their presence.

That's tough. I've been your girlfriend in my current relationship (we were LDR for quite some time on different continents) . I think I might have even *made* the holiday weekend comment-- yikes. I used to get angry for similar reasons-- both my partner and I have demanding jobs but we handle work stress very differently, and he often ended up decommitting . At a certain moment, it got to feel our relationship was unequal since I treated him as a priority and he treated me like an option. I would see if you could make the energy to have her there for the long weekend. "Honey, I love you, but I can't drive up two weekends in a row without killing myself. why don't you come down-- I can't promise you lots of excitement, but we can snuggle through the weekend and cook breakfast together." I would think if you can manage that this would be a reasonable compromise. I can't judge whether she's being reasonable or not in feeling a lack of nurture. But what I can say is that if you love her and trust her, then you should listen if she says so. (This is not the same as giving her what she wants in the end, but I find these kinds of conflicts are much easier to resolve if everyone starts from the assumption that the other person is reasonable in their needs.)