If I want to work with animals, what should I Major in?

What do you think of my essay on why i want to work with animals to get a scholorship for vet assistant program at this college i want to go?

• My dream has always been to work with animals. Ever since I was very young, I have always felt that I can connect with animals in a special way that’s indescribable. If I am ever ...show more

• Answer:

  1. The way this essay is set up is pretty much like everyone else's essay. There's nothing that will set it apart or make the admissions people remember it over everyone else's essay. Perhaps you should open the essay by telling a short but memorable (e.g. funny or sad) story about an experience you've had with an animal, and then making the entire rest of your essay keep connecting back to the story and mentioning how it impacted your life and your decision to work with animals. You do a lot of telling without showing. For example, you say that your cat cheers you up. Well so what? Why should I care? If you want me to care, you have to tell me HOW your cat cheers you up with some details/story. 2. Your grammar and punctuation really needs a lot of work. The "But unfortunately..." sentence is a confusing run-on sentence with too much information and not enough punctuation. If your subject is "things" then your verb has to be "were," not "was." "Frogs," "Crickets," etc. are not capitalized, and why on earth do you not have spaces between some of the words in this list? The "Animals have always been a big part..." sentence is actually three or four separate sentences that you've just mashed up into one with no punctuation at all. These are just examples, but you shouldn't assume that the things I say here are the ONLY errors. 3. Why on earth do we care about what you've done before that hasn't been right for you? You don't give any information about why it wasn't right for you or how animals specifically might be better, or how you came to that conclusion. This is related to my #1; you should keep in mind that your essay will always be stronger if you make the whole thing a narrative about how and why you have come to apply to this school, not just a list of facts without any context or details or any real connection to why you decided to apply here. 4. Are you sure that you need to be mentioning dissecting dead animals when you're applying for a program where you will learn to save animals? Yes, you will have to dissect animals for this school, but you make yourself sound like someone who just loves cutting open dead animals instead of someone who really wants to take care of animals but knows that unfortunately some animals must be sacrificed in order for you to learn how to care for live animals. If I were you I would cut out the loving dissections part altogether. Your essay will be much stronger if you only mention A FEW things that are all centered around some narrative story like I've mentioned before. You don't need to mention EVERYTHING, and in fact mentioning things like dissections hurts your case. 5. You haven't mentioned the specific school at all in your essay. This could be an essay for every single vet assistant program in the world without you having to change anything before sending it to them all. Good essays are tailored for the specific school you're applying to, so they know that you are interested in THEIR school specifically and not just any school. The way you do this is by researching their program and mentioning specific things about it in your essay. For example, you could say, "I really want to do [insert specific type of work here], and [insert school's name here] has a cutting edge program in that area." Or you could say, "I was very impressed when I read about Professor X's work on [insert issue here], and I want the opportunity to learn about [insert issue here] from experts like him." You find things to say by researching on their website and looking at the articles and stuff they've posted, and make sure everything you say is true.