As a teacher, what does it feel like to see a beloved student destroy her/himself in life?

Here is a story that may or may not apply to the question: I taught fifth grade nine years ago. Last year, I ran into one of my best students of that class, who was delivering pizzas to our school. I told a colleague that story, and her reaction was, "ouch." This puzzled me. Why ouch?  I was telling this story from a happy perspective, of reuniting with a former student after nearly a decade. Upon reflection, this is why I'm still puzzled over "ouch": This guy was 19 years old. Remember what you were doing at 19? I do. I worked at a record store in the mall. This was while I was attending college in the honors program. Fast forward a decade. I was working part-time facilities at a cable access station...while being a school teacher full-time and working on my Ph.D. Even now, when I DJ parties for fun (and a little extra cash to fund my travel to tech conferences), people assume that I'm a high school drop out. I have been asked this question in various ways at least four times. I hate when people make snapshot judgments. That being said... He told me he had just graduated from high school. I don't know if he was in college or not, but that in itself is something to be celebrated. Even if he wasn't in college, a) college isn't for everyone and b) he has plenty of time to decide if he wants to go. If he had not graduated from high school, I would have wanted for him to go back and finish, but ultimately the decision would be on him as an adult, what he wanted to do. The fact that he is 19 years old and working is a lot more than some others can say. I guess my point is that we can't judge these former students on their lives. Those are not ours to live. All we can do is wish them the best.

Being able to appropriately deal with the inherent sadness of teaching is one of the most important traits for a teacher to develop. Almost every day teachers work directly with a lot of young people who make bad decisions, or have sad family or home lives. If we can't deal with this without succumbing to the sadness, we won't make it very long as a teacher. That said, it's also important for us as teachers to put our time spent with students in the proper perspective. Even for students that we get to know well, we will only know a very small part of them. They will have friends, family members, jobs, lovers, other classes, other teachers, and many, many years of other life experiences that will shape them in ways that we know nothing about. Most of us have the experience of falling short of our own or others expectations at some point in our lives. We try to figure out ways to learn and grow from those experiences; that's a lot of what life is about. Our students will have the opportunity to do that as well, and some of them may deal with those experiences poorly, and that will be sad. The proper response for us as teachers is to be sad and hope that, in time, they will find a way to make things better for themselves.

I have seen this happen in my teaching career several times. I have watched poor choices leading to deadly car accidents (4), great physical harm resulting in prison, lasting mental effects or death (5), and even suicide (2).   Each time it produced a great and enduring sadness for me. I once had a student who was progressing quite well through high school and we all thought they would be one of those for whom they would reach their potential as an adult and be a thoughtful citizen, good parent, and a valuable contributor to their community. This was one of those kinds of students I have often told my spouse that I would very much like to be their friend and share time over coffee with them when they leave school. (Teachers are essentially forbidden to have such social ties with students in the USA.) In their junior year (age 16-17), the student began spending more and more time with students that valued their parties more than studies and both attitude and grades began to slide.  In the fall of their senior year and during one of those parties -- an overnight party "unofficially" supported by parents ("At least they'll be drinking under controlled conditions" was the excuse.), this student consumed a great deal of alcohol and died in the night of acute alcohol poisoning. It was devastating to the community. Such a senseless waste of a vibrant, young life. For years, I had to stop and choke back the emotion each time I looked at the seat the student used to occupy in my room.