Find solution
Where can I work as a 14-year-old?

How can a marriage where one person does all the work and the other does nothing (because he feels he can't keep up) be resolved?

  • My friend has what seems to be a common problem, so I thought someone on Quora might have some good advice.    She is very organized, always planning, and always on the go.  Her husband feels like she is a control freak, thinks she does a lot more work and planning than is necessary, feels like he can't keep up or do anything the way she wants it done, and therefore has just given up and lets her do all the work.  So it ends up that she is more like a parent to him.   There seems to be a lot of resentment between the two of them, and she is exhausted from doing everything from working full time, to taking care of their young child, to making all of their social and family plans and arrangements, doing all the cooking and housework, making all the plans for day trips when they have guests, and doing all of the cooking and cleaning for everyone.   She doesn't want to leave him for a number of reasons, but he won't go to marriage counseling because he thinks that the problem is all in her head, and that the problem is just that she is OCD.  I don't think she's OCD, but she might seem like it to someone like her husband who is the opposite.   Has anyone else found ways to manage similar problems in their marriages?   Edit, from the same friend: "You should add that I am not talking about physical house work or outside/lawn care. It is mainly the work involved with making decisions (where to go), coming up with a plan (preparing for guests), the little last minute things that come up (ice for a party), or communicating on anything (especially decisions involving care or discipline for our son).   I discuss everything with him first and he acts disengaged like he doesn't care and then treats me like I am over thinking it all. Then when he decides on the rare occasion to make a decision, it usually affects me or our son and then I am supposed to support it even if I don't agree with it. He takes very little initiative and acts out when I ask him for the littlest of things.   He says that I am always asking him to help me and to do stuff and that he never asks me for anything. So while I am cooking a 5 course meal, doing laundry, cleaning dishes, caring for our son, etc, if I ask him to open a bottle of wine or take out the trash, he acts put out. Or if we are going somewhere, I ask if he has filled the car with gas, packed back up items for our son, and gotten cash. Can't say never, but he rarely ever does any of these things and for sure never does all of them.   He Just doesn't take care of business and leaves it all up to me. When I don't have it all lined up and ready, then I get blamed as it is my fault or he treats me like I am irresponsible.   I would be interested to see if anyone says I have enabled him. That is what I mostly get. I also get the whole, just don't do it anymore. When I stop, it does not get done.   I am hoping someone can come up with some advice that actually works."

  • Answer:

    Have more sex. It is of course difficult for me to guess exactly what is going on in your relationship, but I can tell you what my wife and I have struggled with and my answer above represents the easiest way to get a man to do what you want.  If sex doesn't work with your man then you should get into counseling immediately. When I was a younger man and the responsibilities and worries of the world started hitting my wife and me, we started to grow apart.  I was a boy and still wanted a girlfriend who would be carefree and have fun with me.  My wife became more serious and worried, especially after we had kids.  She became stuck in a mode where the worry led her to feel as though the list of things that needed to be done would never end.  I did not understand why she was so dramatic about everything because I was really working hard at my job.  As a result, I got annoyed at her constant demands and nagging.  Instead of talking about everything like we used to do, I let her stew and she became resentful. Her position was that she was trying to be the carefree romantic partner that I always wanted, but was exhausted from doing all the work required to keep our family operating the way she wanted it to run.  I pushed back explaining that she was making up work and the worries were more in her head than in actuality.  This made her more resentful.  Slowly but surely I tried to impose on her less and less and our fights deteriorated to her telling me I was lazy while I whined about how I was supporting us and how she didn't love me or cuddle with me like she used to. We were stuck for around 10 years in this cycle of anger, resentment, reduced intimacy, and frustration.  We fought hard and long, but neither side would give.  I went to therapy to find out why she made me feel the way she did and I learned that to me knowing she loved me and wanted me romantically was the most important thing.  For her, being listened to and acknowledged was everything.  We have rebuilt our marriage many times, but these issues have always been at the heart of our fights. Now that I have been married for 20 years I can appreciate that her relentlessness in organizing our lives has resulted in the most amazing memories and experiences for all of us.  Every vacation that I felt she was commandeering with her list of sights to see turned out to be better because of her effort.  Every birthday party or social event she made us do her way was better than it would have been if I was the one in charge.  Work kept me too distracted with fear and responsibility preventing me from seeing what was really important.  She made us do things with the kids much more than I wanted to, because quite honestly, I didn't really enjoy being with my kids when they were little.  I wanted to have conversations and teach them things, but not how to tie their shoes or other mundane things.  She pushed and I would be devastated now if I did not have those memories with my kids.  As they became teenagers I realized that these little humans that I really enjoyed hanging out with were the result of her work and the thousand things she put on that list that used to drive me crazy. She has accused me of being too moody and I have called her the same.  I researched every psychiatric disorder I could find and ultimately through therapy I realized that I had attachment issues and needed her to not withhold love and intimacy when she was angry at me.  This was illogical and I knew it, but it was still what I needed.  She called me lazy and distant because I would withdraw away from her and my little kids when we would fight.  I did so because I was sad that she couldn't see that I was always last on that infinite list of hers.  Sure I pretended to be incompetent like the husband in your story, but that was because I felt she was not asking me what I wanted to do. It was take it or leave it and if I didn't take it then she would be in too much of a bad mood to be loving to me. I did not appreciate all the manic work she did and she did not think my income was enough to make up for my lack of enthusiasm for what she has planned for me.  We stood separately on opposing sides and sometimes stopped battling.  These were dark times when it felt there was nothing left to salvage, but one of us would always snap and yell at the other to love them.  Sometimes I think we came close to not caring any more, both of us resigned to just live for our kids. I give you this background so that if your situation in any way approximates mine, you may find some advice worth keeping from this post. At the end of it all, we have found our stride by discussing, debating, and sometimes yelling about our mutual needs.  I pushed her to be more independent and find friends to hang out and party with so that she would not feel as though all she did was work.  At first she refused because she felt that she would fall behind on her things to do, but slowly she achieved better balance between work, home, and herself.  I worked on my temper and tried to go back to discussing every detail that was on her mind.  It annoys the crap out of me to discuss petty details, but it is invaluably comforting to her to know that we made decisions together.  I did it her way.  I also learned to value my time with her and my kids and I tried to involve them in my life more than I had been. She learned that intimacy was a non-negotiable foundation of our marriage and I made sure that she was relaxed when we spent time together.  We started going out on date nights where we would pick places that were at least 30 to 45 minutes away.  This allowed us to talk.  When we remodeled our bathroom we made it so that I could soak in my tub while she showered and we could talk while getting ready.  We know that our marriage needs regular meetings and checkups in order to thrive. Both of us have learned through experience and a change of focus.  We both know what the other one brings to the table and realized that these strengths combined to make our marriage and family spectacular.  We also know now how we have improved each other.  She is much stronger and less prone to worry.  I am more present and involved.  She has been forced to keep up with my nerdiness and I have learned to exercise and take better care of my health. We have grown up together and our marriage too has grown.  I know I am grateful to have had her in my life, but there were many times I would fantasize about winning the lottery, giving her and the kids everything so I could be free from this feeling of rejection and worry about not being loved.  I am sure she had her own dark thoughts about me too. Make an inventory for everything you get from each other.  Work on this list together so that you both start out with the strengths of the other person instead of what they do to annoy you.  Use these details to achieve personal growth as individuals and work on making the other person stronger in all ways, not just the ways you want. Make sex a requirement for both of you and make sure that you have made each other feel loved before you are intimate with each other so that it is a lot of fun and not a chore.  My wife is still a bit of a neurotic control freak and I am a lazy, attention needy asshole with anger management issues. Despite that, our marriage is doing fine and I can honestly tell you that I have learned to love this new version of her even more than the one I thought I fell in love with.  I think she would find me easier to be with too. You cannot love someone once and expect your love to stay strong while you and your spouse change and grow into different people.  You must find love again and again and the only way to do this is by valuing each other's positive attributes and making time for intimacy with each other.Loading.... Not for Reproduction

Sanjay Sabnani at Quora Visit the source

Was this solution helpful to you?

Other answers

In addition to what others have mentioned, there's one more important thing. Another answer includes this nugget: "she was exhausted from doing all the work required to keep our family operating the way she wanted it to run" It's reasonable for a woman who shares her part of income-generating work, to want the man to do his part of the household chores. But it's NOT reasonable for her to nevertheless reserve the right to define how things should be done to herself alone. Yes, he should do his part. But his voice should also carry equal weight when the couple, together, decide how things should be run. A friend of mine lived by himself. He vacuumed the floors once a week, and felt that this was sufficient. Then his girlfriend moved in. She told him that floors must be vacuumed every day -- and that he should do half of it. She did not think the first part of that: that floors should be vacuumed daily, should be open to debate. To me, the description of your friend leads me to think she may be acting similarly. First, she alone plans and decides how things should be done -- and thereafter she resents it when the husband does not do half of it. He should do half of it. But he should -also- have equal say when the list of "tasks to be done" are decided upon.

Eivind Kjørstad

Houston and Anonymous, we have a problem. "She doesn't want to leave him for a number of reasons, but he won't go to marriage counseling because he thinks that the problem is all in her head, and that the problem is just that she is OCD." "If you don't bend you'll have to break." I'm guessing and I have no basis in fact, that she might be staying for financial reasons and because there are children involved. I can't imagine why he doesn't want to face his demons but here is what I do know. Something has to give and if it doesn't, you will have two very unhappy people. What does "has to give" look like for them? I have no idea but if they want to stay together, and that's the first question they have to answer, then they need to decide what they are going to do next. I have two friends who are divorcing after seventeen years. The looked at "has to give" and realized there was nothing left to give. I have husband, we've been married for a long time, and if anyone thinks it's been easy, it hasn't. We figured out "has to give" and on the 10th of October, a few days hence, it will be 42 years of mostly wedded bliss. I hope your friends figure out how to bend before they break.

Cyndi Perlman Fink

Is she really doing everything? You mention the many things that are traditionally female tasks, but you don't mention finances, or yard work, or keeping the cars maintained. Does he do any of that? Even if he does, she's still exhausted, and she still feels like a parent. It certainly seems reasonable that he take on some additional responsibilities. But if she wants him to shoulder part of the load, she needs to stop thinking and acting like a parent. That means letting go of her expectations about how things are to be done and what the result will look like. For instance, if he's responsible for dinner two nights a week, pizza delivery and Chinese takeout should be acceptable options. If cleaning is his responsibility, he can decide what's clean enough. She may be unhappy that he doesn't do it her way, but she's not his boss, she's his wife. And if all else fails, could they afford to hire somebody for housework?

Joan Hoffman

Marriage is team work. How the team works is up to the husband and wife to decide. An outside vote such as this is meant to humiliate one or the other partner and is really a violation of trust. A team wins together, not one individual or the other. My husband and I have successfully changed the rules several times in our relationship. The key thing to remember is we, all of us, individually do what we want to do. We all have different standards about household work that corresponds to our own values. Whenever we have a problem, we sit down and discuss what needs to be done. Sometimes, when I get too emotional about it, I have to write a letter to him. My husband never says yes or no, he always says, I don't know, let me think about it. When I put things down in writing, it gives him a chance to answer back what he wants. Often, what we discuss together is put into writing. In answer to the question about advice, the woman should not order her husband around like a servant. If she wants help with some of her duties (they are all hers because she willing does them), she should lay out a list of anything she wants help with. If her husband volunteers to do something, she should thank and praise him. If she can't get it all done, she should ask him to pay someone to do it--this often results in more volunteering.

Sheri Fresonke Harper

I have several girlfriends who constantly complaint about their husbands being lazy and didn't want to do any house chores. They are either too worked up to talk to their husbands every time the topic came up to have an effective conversation or they just kept their frustrations within. It maybe easy for some of us to ask "why not just leave him" or "why do you do it if he doesn't?" There is no easy solution but it takes two to tango. Communication is key.

Minny Chen

Just because he won't go for counseling, doesn't mean she shouldn't go herself. This could be most helpful to shake up the dynamic, and help her understand herself, the situation, and her marriage. As well, if she has some process going on, such as OCD, treatment would be preferable before she decides what course her life should take. EDIT: From your edit, it becomes even clearer that there is an always/never dynamic going on here. This is destructive, and not very helpful. If you don't know about fair fighting, learn about it. http://www.foryourmarriage.org/25-ways-to-fight-fair/ And as Mr Sabnani says, and I have stated above, get counseling. If your husband won't go, then you go. You need to learn new ways of doing and being.

Gwen Sawchuk

This sounds like a much more severe case of my marriage, except without all the happy and with the addition of one nosy friend. 1) She is probably a control freak. Look some women just are. They need a plan for everything and to always feel in control. Here's something to think about... She actually told you exactly what to add in the question details. That doesn't sound a little control freaky to you? My wife still googles directions to the beach, writes down every turn and takes forever to get going. I'm like, "Whatever, we have maps on our phone!" She has a laminated list of things to pack for a weekend visit to Grandma's, I just grab a few shirts, clean underwear and socks. She is thorough. I improvise. This works for us because we value when the other person's skills are helpful. Sometimes we need a plan, sometimes ideas and a new outlook. 2) He needs to find more value in the relationship. If he isn't contributing, then maybe he needs to figure out what she values. It probably isn't that he does nothing, but that the stuff he is doing she doesn't need or care about. Nothing is worse than putting in a ton of work on something no one appreciates, especially when they bad mouth you to friends. The dude may just be lazy and never perform at her level. He still needs to try to add value to the marriage, and she needs to do well and tell him what she values better than she is currently doing. If he is making any effort, you don't need counselling for that. 3) You need to mind your own business.

Jon Davis

I think what I am going to suggest here may seem like prescribing some OTC drugs for a seemingly terminal illness. But still my well meaning 2cents: I would suggest the wife to take,say about a month,short break, with or without kids, leaving the husband alone to tend/fend for himself.and go on a holiday. No, I am not kidding. It must be somewhat irritating and annoying for any two people to live in constant company of each other even in the best of times. A short, temporary break, without any hostility or bitterness, may help the people concerned to get that extra breathing space, and the separation may actually give a new and objective perspective about the other person. Possibly, the husband may understand how much work the wife had to do, or how much responsibility she was forced to shoulder.He may start missing all the good services he was hitherto taking for granted from his wife, and therefore understand the true value of such services. He may perhaps realize his own callousness and indifference towards his wife, and may feel remorse or guilt about it. He may therefore start longing for and looking forward to a happy reunion with his wife in a new life. The wife, for her part, may be able to introspect about the family life, with objectivity and more importantly without the constant irritations caused by her husband, or the tediousness born out of doing daily tiresome chores. And she may perhaps end up understanding some of her own foibles, and appreciating some of her husband's goodness or sweetness. Both may perhaps recall more vividly the happier days of courtship and early married life, rediscover their love and passion for each other and develop empathy with each other's points of view, giving their marriage a new lease of life and a fresh whiff of romance. Nothing is or can be guaranteed, but it is worth trying ( if not already tried)  This really sounds too simple to be valuable. But oftentimes, life itself is only too simple till we manage to make it complex or complicated. I wish the couple and the anon friend best of luck and all happiness.

Nagarajan Srinivas

Are you guys even talking? These things are mandatory for having a good talk: Shut off your phones, let the children sleep/get out of the house, don't eat, drink nor smoke during the talk, aka: kill all distractions. Look each other in the eye (at all times!!!! This is the Forthmost important thing in a good talk > if you don't look at the other, you could as well be Skyping. Body language is so useful.) Each prepare a list of all the topics you want to discuss, so that you won't talk too long and won't forget anything. Talk about chores, but also about desire, hope, sex, long-term plans. Do each other a favor. Be kind. Be willing to take action. Defend yourself. This has been going on for too long, so it seems, so Change Some Things. Forget what Disney princesses try to teach the world: love doesn't come effortlessly, and it's not loving someone enough that can work things out for you. Seriously, those princesses propagate victims of domestic violence.  Try to ask each other about what is going well in your relationship, too. If you can't solve it together, and this is only a reasonable result of having such a long relationship, go find the help of someone professional.

Marie-Anne Wits

Load more

Related Q & A:

Just Added Q & A:

Find solution

For every problem there is a solution! Proved by Solucija.

  • Got an issue and looking for advice?

  • Ask Solucija to search every corner of the Web for help.

  • Get workable solutions and helpful tips in a moment.

Just ask Solucija about an issue you face and immediately get a list of ready solutions, answers and tips from other Internet users. We always provide the most suitable and complete answer to your question at the top, along with a few good alternatives below.