How do I learn to accept my autistic stepson? He is high-functioning but refuses communication with anyone except his birth mom and dad.  It is hard to respond to such seeming coldness and anger with warmth. I have two warm and loving birth sons who relish typical love and affection?

Accept him for who he is,  He isn't like your typical birth sons. Respect his way of relating to the world. Don't make him hug you or do anything that isn't comfortable to him. Perhaps its a trust issue, or perhaps he finds it hard relating his feelings/and thoughts (my oldest son does) What are his interests? Help him with them. If he wont talk to you at first... just for example, get a book or game, or item that you are positive he likes, leave it out for him. This isn't buying his affection, its showing you are interested in him and things he likes. Take him places he may enjoy (not ones you think he should), based on those interests. Ask him questions about the interest and see if he'll talk. Learn how he does relate to people.. Work from there. A great deal of that anger could be from just...the mix up in his life, having a new family etc -that is completely normal for all children, but it may take him longer to adjust. Just because he isn't "warm" doesn't mean you can't have a loving relationship, it's just going to look different. Also, I'd suggest reading books by autistic adults such as Stephen Shore.

Is it refusing or does it look like refusing but it's too difficultand scary for him?   How long have you known him? Maybe he just needs ome time to get really familiar and safe with you and then he will start to communicate little by little to you.   I have autism too, and I'm highly functioning but some things are still extremely difficult. Maybe you can write something to him, and give it to him. Maybe this is easier to start with?   For me writing in definitely easier than speaking.

Let me start by saying that I don't have an autistic child, so I don't have any personal experience to draw upon here. Years ago, I had a guy working for me whose son was (is) autistic. We were working late one night and started talking about it. He felt very fortunate that his son was on the high-functioning end of the autistic spectrum, because it meant that he would be able to live on his own, work, and support himself. When his son was diagnosed, he and his wife asked the doctor what it meant for him, and what it meant for their family. The doctor told them that their son would probably always live alone, probably never marry and have children. He'll probably end up in a profession doing research or something else where he's able to work on his own. He will probably live a very solitary life. But that doesn't mean that he'll be unhappy or unfulfilled. For him, that will be the life he wants and the life that will make him happy. He then told me that after he and his wife adjusted to that, things got alot better, but that it was frustrating when any of their parents would come visit because they would get upset that his son wouldn't hug them, sit on their laps, laugh, and talk to them the way their other kids would. They were constantly having to explain that their son is just different, but it didn't mean that he did not love his grandparents and enjoy spending time with them. His other kids had gotten used to their brother's way of dealing with people and the world, and got along with him very well. Your stepson probably needs time to get used to you. Most kids need time to adjust to new people or new routines, and for autistic kids the timeline is even longer. Even though he's not communicating with you, he knows you're there. Keep trying, and like Amanda said, take an interest in the things he likes, and just be patient.

First: Great that you are asking this way. Second: Some questions: How old is he? How long have you known him? What was the nature of his parent's divorce? Does he spend time with the other birth parent? Third: Some thoughts. Many children find it hard to deal with their parents' divorce. An autistic child may find it even harder. He may find the divorce even more inexplicable than other kids do - often divorce happens for reasons that make no sense whatsoever to an autistic child. He may also find it harder to deal with his confusion, sadness etc in an appropriate way. He may see you as a cause of the divorce; or as a thief of his parents.  Change is hard for many autistic people, and you represent an absolutely gigantic change. "Typical love and affection" can feel overwhelming to an autistic person. In particular, physical affection can feel bad, it can even feel like an attack. Loud voices, even bursting with praise, can be upsetting. Something more quiet and low-key may work better. Your stepson (from what you say) seems to have a good relationship with your spouse. How does he/she deal with him? Concluding: Go slow, have patience and don't take it personally.

I  know you don't mean to offend, but parents (and step-parents) of  autistics need to learn that many autistics find the divisions  "high-functioning" vs. "low-functioning" to be offensive. http://ballastexistenz.wordpress.com/2010/03/07/aspie-supremacy-can-kill/ One of the  primary features of autism is a seemingly random patchwork of high and  low skills in various areas and different rates of skill improvement.  This can lead to assumptions that because someone can do X, they should be able to do Y and are just being obstinate about not doing Y.  Your son may be pretty good at whatever skills have earned him the  "high-functioning" label, but that doesn't mean he can't be struggling  with identifying and expressing emotions, or adjusting to new  situations. He's gone through a lot of changes to his household, with a divorce, a wedding, and having to deal with some new guy who wants to be treated like his father.

I will reiterate what Amanda says and add to it - you need to enter your stepson's world. Talk to him about his interests even if he doesn't talk back. Express interest. Ask questions. Show genuine intrigue and ask open questions "I wonder what would happen if . . . .".  Even my own birth son and I haven't always connected - then I found my old Star Wars toys in my mom's house and he realized that I was once a child like him and we connected on a bit deeper level and a new vein of communication opens up. I let him watch videos and play games on my smart phone . . . . but he realizes there is a reason to have a connection. As you gain trust and communication he may begin to enter your world Best of luck.

You use the word "refuse" as if you know for a fact that he is willfully choosing to not interact with you. You need to step out of this mindset, or you may never connect with your stepson. His behavior could be out of fear of the unknown, or it could be a sensory overload situation. The structure of his world has been fundamentally changed, and he may not know how to express frustration or even loss of the old structure. Like others here have said, try to find a point of common interest. And, go slowly. You may never get a "warm" reaction from your stepson, but remember that what you perceive as "coldness" may be fear or confusion, or just not knowing how to act, or emotional overload.

It may also be a question of age and maturity. Communication, both expressive and receptive, tend to be one of the most difficult skills to develop. That is, he may be ten years behind his peers. Birth parents have spent a lot of time learning how to understand their children, particularly those with significant communication delays. To your first question, be patient and try different communication modalities. That is, get creative and explore various mechanisms to connect on an emotional level first, then the rest will follow. Maybe not as fast as you'd like, but eventually it will.

First of all I commend you for not only taking on this responsibility but having the courage to admit how you feel and seek knowledge to fix it. Your heart is certainly in the right place. I have volunteered with special needs adults in the past and I know autism can vary in severity significantly. So without knowing your stepson at all I would encourage you to remember they have no idea about social cues. So this can be difficult to communicate with them in a normal manor. I had one Aspergers man that would really annoy me until I learned that he liked task and counting was his strength and passion. So every week I would give him a task (count the woman, count the men, count the chairs) he felt important and allowed us to bond on his level. I have also seen amazing improvements in a autistic boy; when on a very strict diet. I forget the details but no sugar and vitamin supplements were in there. But the improvement was astonishing so it might be worth talking to a nutritionist. I do not know if any of this is useful. However just know that your courage to seek answers is already beginning to help.