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Why do people lose interest in each other when once they were inseparable?

  • Warning: It's a long story. I am currently in my final year of college. Well, there have been two very close friendships involving me where things have taken a downturn just because of a case of people losing interest in each other. It has been a very difficult pill to swallow. I had this childhood friend whom I was very close to. Even though we study in two distant colleges, we remained very close to each other (He studies in a college in southern part of India whereas I study in a college in north India).  Both of us knew everything about each other. We used to frequently call each other and share our moments of happiness as well as sadness. But, somehow, gradually, just after he got a good internship, he kept on drifting away from me. I initially tried my best to keep in touch by calling him up regularly, but used to get various different reasons about him being busy. Sometimes, I just used to feel guilty that I am disturbing him a lot. He always used to say he'll call back on a certain day or time, but apparently he always used to be busy with some or the other institute related work and could never keep his word. This continued for about 5-6 months or so. Naturally, I reduced my calls gradually as I could no longer accept the reasons he gave for not responding properly. Then, I got a good internship and went abroad for a few months. From there, I used to ping him sometimes to skype or something, but he just came over once or twice. Now, almost an year has passed, with almost no warmth left. He was not there for me recently when I desperately wanted to talk to somebody close. There was a placement session going on in our institute and I somehow was screwing up pretty badly in the interviews. I just received the reasons that he had been busy and needs to go. And now that I've finally succeeded in getting an admission to one very good university to pursue further studies, I have absolutely no interest left to even inform him of the result. Neither does he have any interest in me, and I reciprocate that feeling. Another person. I am friends with her since the last 5 years. She grew very close to me over the years. Yes, I had a bad crush on her even before that, but I had let her know before that. I knew it was one sided and it was no use pursuing her. Also, she was in a relationship at that time and I had no intentions to spoil the things. I felt I should be honest upfront and let her know about it. But, I also promised that I won't let those feelings come between our friendship. She accepted it peacefully and we grew closer to each other over the years. We used to talk to each other regularly and shared each other's pains and gains. Over time, both of us went through some tough times; I was on a downward spiral in my college whereas she had a pretty rough break up. We both supported each other in our bad times. Gradually, we became so close to each other that everybody in our peer group thought we were in a relationship. Mind you, this was after about 1.5 years after her break-up. I had no intentions on hitting on her after her break-up as that was the worst thing I could have imagined to do to a dear friend. We always used to chat with each other all day long. Then, again, somehow she got to a place during an internship, where she got busy with her work and couldn't chat or talk with me much. I understood that and was fine with it. Then, after she came back from her internship, she got really busy with her studies and plainly used to refuse to talk to me saying she was extremely extremely busy. Again, this was the same time I needed to talk to somebody close to me. This was the same job placement period. During this difficult time, I had lost the two closest friends when I needed them! Yes, she did excel at studies during that period. In fact, she did brilliantly. But, it was difficult to know that she was unwilling to lend support to me during that crucial period. I know I'm being a little bit selfish, but I really didn't need two close friends to go away during that period. But, somehow, I developed feelings for her again during this period even when she was not talking much with me. Then when we met recently, I proposed her after solving the issues between us that had cropped in the last few months. Of course, she declined. And I had no issues. But, then gradually the spark in our talks has only declined. The phone calls or messages are no longer interesting. The friendship has just fizzled out. I have no clue what happened with me over the last few months. Sometimes, I feel its me who has been selfish to expect support. At other times, I just feel I have been clinging on to something which is no longer there. I know I may have been a jack ass at times, but I really don't know if I really deserved this. I have now shut down my heart and I am not growing as close to anybody anytime soon. Sorry for such a long story.

  • Answer:

    No specie is monogamous in nature. Humans are no exception. No animal spends his/her entire life with the same partner. Not a single one. The male is called in for breeding, children are produced and then the male has to leave. If the male refuses to leave, a stronger male is called in and he is driven out. Monkeys, Lions, Elephants, Peacock, Cocks, Bulls ...this is how it works. It is designed that way.

Amit Banerjee at Quora Visit the source

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One of the main problem is that, when a relation start for an aim/profit it will expired certain time. Make relation only for giving happiness $ love it will go long time. Whatever it is, after a relation starts mostly one of them will expect some things from others. If it does not get  he/she will think another good relationship. And it also makes small distance between them and propagate gradually. Finally its going to END.

Joseph M John

Everything in a relation boils down to two things - a. Expectations from your partner b. Your own priorities When you start in a relation, you fall for the person's qualities. You adore, and embrace the qualities. At this stage, your expectations from the person are met and your will to be committed in the relation and make your partner happy becomes your ultimate priority. Every individual's approach towards a relation differs. Some people adjust their own priorities to make things work. Some people don't. Once you have known a person for long, you begin to notice the flaws in them. People can choose to love a person for their good qualities or not. If you make it your priority to change the person to fit your own expectation, the relation is royally screwed. I personally think that majority of the break-ups these days happen due to these two factors. People don't lose interest in other people. Their perspectives change. The perspective of looking at one changes. We often forget that we are not the same person we were yesterday. That is what our life is about. We change. We evolve. All the time. At one point, a person will love this change in you. The next, the person will loathe it. Only those relationships survive, where two people understand that change is unavoidable and it needs to be embraced. Similarly, expectations and priorities need to be altered from time to time. Today you may be slim and beautiful, but will your partner love you when you turn fat and unattractive?

Uday Mane

Because Priorities shuffled.

Abhishek Gupta

Due to 'Diminished Marginal Utility'.

Ishani Mishra

Well, to put my views regarding the situation, I would first like to talk about the situation here. These events occurred in your life when you were a student, and you must acknowledge that as a student you are usually living a fast-paced life. Seeking permanency in relationships during such a phase seems to be very naive. You may have a stable relationship even then, but its not something that you can expect. So, I would like to say that you case does not have much to do with people loosing interest in each other, but more with the situation you are/were in. I would rather suggest you to wait to enter a stable phase in your life if you are seeking some permanency in your relationship(s). Also, marriage would be another solution for the same, if things fall into place in your case. Its better as far as peace of mind is concerned. It might not be that adventurous though. My two cents :)

Anonymous

You have to look at both relationships from different perspectives. Focusing on your childhood friend first. Since the two of you live in different places now, and pretty soon will be starting your jobs, its natural that you will grow apart. It was bound to happen, and it took you slightly more time to realize than your friend did. However, I suggest you confront your friend and tell him that the way he had acted lately had hurt your feelings, even though you have now adapted to the separation from him. If he is truly your friend, he will be apologetic (I guess) and you guys will continue to be friends, no matter how scarce the interaction. However, if he is unaffected, he was not as much emotionally invested in the friendship as you were, and its for the best that this unbalanced friendship end now. For the second case, you are not really at fault for being clingy or anything, but the girl is neither responsible for trying to be detached from you. Remember that you had promised for not letting your feelings get in the way, but recently you had proposed. Its only human to slip, and you have not committed any crime on her by falling for her, but you have not been able to keep your word. Any interaction with her now will only confuse your relationship more, and its possible that she is maintaining distance from you thinking this. Its in your best interest as well to just leave things as they are and move on. Be happy that any relationship you had with her has run its course and has ended without any bitterness. Now.... you are about to start a new chapter of your life, I suggest you to continue with your life with positive energy and the intention of making new friends and building new relationships.

Anonymous

There is a psychological phenomenon im forgetting the name where humans want to possess almost everything that they like. Once this feeling of possession sets in, it results in love, inseparable feeling as you mentioned, physical romance, and everything you'd know. After a while, when a sense of achievement comes over this possession, interest starts fading away. Reason? Because we already 'own' the possession. There is no more longing for it. More real-life effects: Apart from the one you mentioned that the interest fades on, there is another application of the same where you don't fall in love with your brothers or sisters however beautiful they are. Because you're already emotionally so close to the limit of possession. Also, its said while in a relationship, proceed slowly and do not play all your cards at once. This is to extend the phase of romance not letting the feeling of possession chip in so soon else it happens as you said -:) (I know this might be a very naive reasoning but let's once think this way)

Gaurav Siddharth

This is exactly for you. Stop being needy! Everyone has a life of their own and everyone has only certain amount of time and mental space for other people. Both the cases have been due to separation and long distance. Life in college can be exciting and people form new friends and networks. I have lost so many of my chaddi buddies from school when I left to college and losing touch with some college friends when I went abroad but I made many new ones in the meanwhile too. So stop being needy and stop fooling yourself and her about how you wont let your feelings come between your friendship. Also make new friends with people who are in proximity to you. Heard the term "out of sight out of mind" it is very real and bitter, but its reality. Deal with it.

Keerthi Prasad

You had me at 'Its a long story'... Wait.. you had a 'relationship' with a guy and a crush with a girl?! So, I think after being bitten twice, you've finally realised that the snake has fangs. Metaphors aside, I think you are too clingy and needy in a relationship. And clingyness is a symptom of a deeper wound and one of those traits that no one likes in a mature relationship. Here's what you do. Answer these questions honestly yourself: Are you afraid of being alone? Do you fear that you will never find someone that will love you for what you are and that you will end up single and miserable? Why do you feel the need to be validated? The truth is - Familiarity does breed contempt but also gives you fresh reason to make love work. Calling a person you love 50 times a day or even a week is not going to be practical over a long period of time. That simply is not love. Cheer up! This won't be the last breakup in your life but the good news is - here's your chance to start with a fresh new slate and apply your learnings from the past. PS: You might want to explore a career in Investment Banking. I felt like I was reading a Chetan Bhagat novel.

Navin Mathew

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