Can you improve upon this narration, please? (GCSE drama exam on wednesday!?)?

Make it really over the top and ridiculous: "there is a scream, a scream that pierced the silence like a pin through the...eyeball of ...a young girl. When I opened my eyes, there was blood decorating...no...ornamenting the walls and the decadent furniture. Ooh... and one limp hand, hanging from the dining room table. His eyes bored into mine, and his sneer widened as he took a step towards my trembling body..." Writers do a lot of umming and erring.

I dont really know what your assignment requires but based on what you have written I would add perhaps so lead up...like creating an ambiance and a feeling before diving into the bloody murder scene. I am not the best writer, but maybe something like this: Deafening silence created a room likened to a museum. Stillness before some unknown oncoming storm...why did I feel this foreboding in heart? The room seemed surreal decorated in what appeared to be a vampiric taste in the eerie light. While everything was just as it should be, everything was wrong! Then the shattering scream tore through the silence like a knife on virgin skin, a fang in a throat. My pulse quickened as blood splashed the perfect walls marring them in a macabre display. My eyes focused on a limp hand hanging from the dinning room table. It was not clenched like mine were in fearful fists, but peaceful, at peace like the dead....released from fear, from the unknown. Movement. My eyes flicked across the scene realizing my danger too late! Dark shadows over gleaming, menacing eyes bored holes into my flesh. I believed nothing could top the demonic display until his lips spread into a grimacing hungry sneer. :-) Good luck! Let me know how it goes!

The first one is a bit too dramatic. But to get dramatic you can say this: "I closed my eyes when I heard the scream. A moment later I slowly opened them to see bright red splattered on the walls and furniture. When I looked toward the dining table, there was a limp hand just lying there, motionless. The murderer saw me move and started walking toward me..."