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Infidelity: How do I trust him again, sleep with him again, ever believe him again?

• I began dating a guy in April 2010, we got along so well, I was so happy, even my friends noticed the glow in my eyes.  I thought we would get married.  He treated me like a queen and I thought I had finally found the man that I could trust completely.  I felt so loved and wanted and was sure we were going to get married.  A little over a year later, in July 2011, I noticed he was always "playing games" on his cell phone then one night, the phone rang at a strange time. I asked to look at his phone, not texts, except for one he sent himself that made no sense.  He lied when I asked about it. Knowing the signs of a cheater, I immediately asked for his login to his wireless account.  I went back to his phone and found his private in box. Bingo!  I found out he had been texting for about 2 months to the same number. Over 4000 texts in 2 months.  When confronted, he lied, repeatedly.  I guess he thought I was kidding when I said I was going to call her.  I spoke with this girl and found out she was 18; I also found out he lied to her about everything except his name, my boyfriend was 21years older than her at the time.  After he heard me talking to her on speaker phone, he told part of the truth.  Women aren’t stupid, even at 18, and the “vibes” she told me he was giving her was that he wanted to have sex, his reasoning for texting and seeing her was that he wanted someone to ride his crotch rocket with. Because he couldn’t find 1 guy in the greater metro area that rides, even though he personally knows some.  There’s more but this would be a novel if I continued with this story alone.  From there I found out he was on multiple adult sites, even homosexual and bisexual sites.  He lied as well, but I had already printed the proof before he could delete evidence. This was not my first rodeo.  I was noticeable unhappy and couldn’t trust him; the only thing he did to try to regain my trust was get on Google Latitude. Of course, when I was out of town, the program inexplicably turned itself off and if that didn’t happen, there were unexplainable locations he was at that he said were computer glitches. I believed none of his lies.  In December 2011, I made up my mind to move out and did so in January 2012.  I began dating a guy in late January 2012 that I did not tell him about.  He found out about it and I did admit it.  The problem with him was that he was mean to me and made me cry.  In 2012 I dated both men and they both knew about it but weren’t happy.  In fact, I was so unhappy in the new relationship I fought and cried nonstop; I repeatedly told him I didn’t want to be with him at all. Throughout the year, I spent the majority of the time with the guy I met in 2010.  It all came to a head in February 2013 when the new guy broke into my apartment one night and saw us together eating dinner and watching TV. I told the new guy it was over, he knew it was over, how he got in, why was he there and to get out (and I wasn’t very pleasant.)  He wouldn’t leave so I politely asked the man I still loved to leave so I could get the other man to understand we were done and I wanted nothing more to do with him. I lost my job on January 31, 2013 and since then, spend every day and night with the man I still loved from 2010. Since I had no job, for the 1st week of every month I spent it with my 91 year old grandmother (who lives about 180 miles away from me).  She is my love, my all, my everything.  She is the only person, besides my Aunt (who I even called Mom, who unfortunately passed in 2009) who loved me unconditionally, would talk to me about anything, supported me in everything and expressed it through actions and words.  Moving on, about a week ago, I took my boyfriend’s phone into the living room while he was sleeping so I could use is hotspot to watch Netflix and Hulu.  I have done this before, but for some reason last Thursday, I decided to look in his messages.  I saw nothing.  Then I hit a button and another page opened up and there was another messaging program. When I opened it I found a message sent at 4:51 am.  From there I got on his Verizon account and was devastated once again.  Between 6/2/13 and 7/18/13, they had sent each other a total of 3,333 texts.  I had an interview so I waited until around 5 pm on 7/18 to confront him.  Everything he said was a lie; even though I had already threatened I would call her.  He continued to lie.  The next day, I texted and introduced myself as who I was.  She knew of me but was clearly surprised about the true nature of our relationship.  I asked her to tell me the truth and was completely polite.  She was reluctant because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings.  I told her I just wanted truth, that I would create no drama for her and just needed to know.  My boyfriend continued to deny her.  Luckily for me, she saved his texts.  I asked her to send them to me, even though I already believed the words via our text conversation.  I gave her my number and asked her to send me the texts that she would want to see if he roles were switched.  She did. The texts were even more heartbreaking to see the words he was writing to her and he STILL continued to lie.  By Sunday I was furious, I told him he didn’t care and that he hadn’t even said it yet.  Then he said, “I’m sorry.”  (It meant so much then)  Either or Sunday or Monday, I asked her if she pictures or video.  She did and she sent them.  Then I asked if they had sex, how many times and if a condom was used. They did: once at a drive in inside of his car, twice at his parents’ house in hits studio and 3 times in his house in the bed he sleeps in with me.  He denied all of it, until I showed him the picture that he sent her.  Just to remind you, I found out on Thursday, 7/18/13, and he finally told me part of the truth o Tuesday, 7/23/13.  He still won’t admit all of the story.  I have no reason NOT to believe the woman he had sex with, in fact she was nice and felt bad that he lied to her as well.  Now he wants to regain my trust again. Yesterday, he barely spoke to me.  One of his complaints about me is that I didn’t/don’t ever sit next to him on the couch.  He didn’t ask me once yesterday.  For about 4 hours I cried off and on and he saw my tears, he never even acknowledged it. I told him I wouldn’t have sex with him till her was tested, he said “why, I wore a condom?”  Then let the CDC educate him on the types of STDs and how they can be transmitted.  I found some testing areas around town and he said unless it was  anonymoushe wouldn’t get tested for STDs if he had to give his real name and in case he did have a disease he may not be able to get covered by insurance when he finally starts to look for a job.  In the 3 years I’ve known him, he’s not once been to a doctor or a dentist.  Last night he tried to have sex with me after I took about 15 pills, trying to forget, I passed out and I still don’t know what happened because I woke up naked.  Throughout this entire week he hasn’t done anything to try to attempt or act as if he’s truly sorry.  In fact he’s sitting on the couch now and hasn’t said a word about me sitting with him/next to him.  Even though he’s seem me cry and I’ve even communicated all of this to him.  He still hasn’t said a word.  Just lying on the couch alone, watching TV not even wondering what I’m doing.  Yesterday I had to point out he didn’t wouldn’t speak to me, I had to point out he didn’t ask me to sit near him, I had to point out I knew he saw me crying, I had to look up relationship advice and I had to look up information on STDs and testing centers. The first thing he promised to do today was call and check on STD testing prices.  So far he’s played PS3 basketball, watched TV and said nothing at all to me.                I do love him, in the beginning, I probably would have married him within the first month. Now, I don’t believe a word he says and don’t know if I could ever believe him again.  He hasn’t even attempted to even suggest something to do to move past this.   Is it over?  Am I just holding on to the hope that the man I fell in love with won’t love me like that again and make me feel loved, wanted, trusted, supported, encouraged, trustworthy and faithful?  Am I just being stupid?

• Answer:

  A2A, hence the response. Let's break this down logically: -He cheated on you. When confronted, he lied. -He insulted your intelligence by giving you BS reasons for why he texted an 18 year old as much as he did. He lied to her too. -He cheated on you again. When confronted, he lied again. He tried to make the other woman seem like a liar to cover his lies. Are you seeing a pattern yet? -He tried to place the blame on you for his behavior. Think about how this sentence sounds to a rational person- ' I cheated on you because you don't sit next to me on the couch'. Really? - He has shown total disregard for your grief. -You are at a point where you're crowd sourcing opinions on your relationship. So is it over? It's dead. Bury it, keep walking and don't look back. And don't spend another minute being with a guy who makes you unhappy, even a new one. Take some time to heal, get a job, become a better, healthier you and then get out there again. But resolve to be alone rather than with someone who wont respect you.