How do you get over the insecurity of feeling inferior to the ex-girlfriend of your current boyfriend?

I have struggled/am struggling with this too, so don't take my answer as the last word. But I can share somethings which have helped me. I think the way I grew up was very competitive and I was used to winning. Maybe you are similar. That competitiveness shaped my views on a lot of things which is great in some areas but not so great in others. I would always try to compare myself to his exes because I wanted to feel like the winner, like I was number 1, like I was the best.  But in reality - all people are people. Fat, smart, dumb, pretty, short, poor, etc. When I started looking at people like this it helped me be less jealous of my boyfriend's exes, whether they were famous ice skaters with their own wiki page (for some reason that just bugged me) or random girls from his hometown who did nothing "impressive" in my eyes. When I (and let me add, I'm still currently working on this) tried to look at all people as amazing in their own right (including myself) I realized it's not about beating or winning or being better than an ex.  It's just about life. Everyone is precious, and everything is precious, and if you concentrate to hard on the peripheral you sometimes miss the now (you should be the center of your own "now"). It's really nice that you're smart and if you were my boyfriend's ex I would probably be jealous of you because I'm insecure about my own intelligence. But really, I know I shouldn't be, and you shouldn't be jealous of anyone else. Even if she was a mega-genius and you were not so smart (but I think you are smart, so this is hypothetical). But it really doesn't matter! The point is, you have everything you need to be happy and secure. You don't really need to "do" or "acquire" anything new. Just be happy and appreciate everyone and everything, including yourself. I'm sure you can get a more comprehensive answer involving psychological exercises or something that will help you improve confidence. I think you should go for it - no harm. I have done/am doing the same. But ultimately, internalizing and living out what I've written above has helped me the most. Good luck. (:

If being smart was such a huge factor to get attracted to someone, people would have the posters of science heroes on their walls instead of movie, music, and sports stars. The reason why people tend to fancy that kind of stars more is because we know about them (their personality) more. When I think about my ex's, I never think, "Oh he was so smart." I always think, "He used to do this silly thing and be very cute while doing that." "He'd make me laugh with this or that." Your boyfriend, or any guy for that matter, won't give you math problems to solve and love you or not over your success in solving them. A guy will love you because you have a good heart, because you're funny, because you care about him or support him and things like that. Love is all about chemistry, someone might be a perfect person; extremely smart, beautiful, funny, and intelligent. That doesn't mean you two will have a good chemistry and want to be in a relationship with each other. If everyone loved every good person in the romantic sense, everybody would want to date all of their friends. Think about it. I'm answering this question anonymously to share a personal story. I have a pretty high IQ and a good education. About 6 years ago, I was dating with a singer who was newly becoming famous in our country. I consider myself beautiful, but not THAT beautiful, most guys wouldn't turn their heads twice to look at me. The singer guy had all the attractiveness factors women seem to generally like; tall, muscular, good-proportioned face, big penis size, great performance in bed. And he was very smart too. A few months after we started dating, he got a new record deal and became very famous and pretty rich. He was a very funny guy too and I was having so much fun with him. He wanted our dating to turn into a relationship. Something didn't feel right to me. I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him. I ended things and we remained friends. At the time, all my friends thought I was crazy for letting such a good guy go. Couple months later, I met another guy. Not as smart as the singer guy, he was short, bald, not muscular at all, and had a few extra pounds. I didn't like him right away, but more I got to know him, more and more I started to love him. It took about 3 months to be madly in love with him. We had a great relationship for three years, not once I wished I would have stayed with the singer guy. I am still happy about the singer guy's success, I'm still friends with him, I listen to his songs, but I simply had no romantic kinda feelings left for him. So I broke up with the not-too-smart, bald, short guy after three years of relationship (he asked for it) and the hardest I've ever moved on from someone was him. We broke up two years ago, to this day I still don't feel ready to be in a relationship with someone else. That's how much I loved him. The point is...you may feel threatened by your boyfriend's ex. But there's a reason why she's an ex. She can be the smartest person on Earth but obviously, they weren't good in a relationship together, and no, it doesn't change anything if she was the one who ended things. If a couple isn't a right couple, always someone will end the relationship and the other one will realize it was the right decision -- nobody wants to be with/love someone who doesn't love them back. If your boyfriend loves you, he loves you. Even if he met the smartest, hottest person on Earth, that wouldn't change if his feelings are real. Don't worry.

You need to take a two pronged approach.  The ideas are very simple, but take practice to implement.   1) Stop comparing yourself.  Just stop it.  As soon as you notice these thoughts seeping in, repeat a mantra you make for yourself - eg.  l am fine the way l am. l work towards being the best person l can be.  l am the only person who can be me, so that is who l will be.  This is a change of mindset, and with practice you will be able to alter your perceptions - the glass half full, not half empty.   2)  Accept your feelings as being natural, and accept your bfs. feelings  as being natural to him.  So you will use acceptance to realize that everyone feels how they feel, and you have very little power to change others - they are who they are, just like you are who you are. Once you accept yourself, and accept others, you are well on your way to personal freedom.   This is a growth exercise.  lt is something we all struggle with, some constantly, some from time to time.  But the important thing is to just work on yourself, understanding how to conduct yourself in a way you are happy with, being your best person.  Grow each day, a  little bit.  Be your best person.  Then, no matter what happens in your life, you are learning and accepting, not being crushed forever - even though you may be momentarily bruised.

Remember that you have something she doesn't... him! Theres a reason why she's the ex.  Its quite possible that her gifts being so close to his own made him feel like he was "in competition" with her and thats no good for any relationship. Whatever the reason, shes gone and you're there.

I can tell you from my experience.I'm a guy with a  a summa cum laude in mathematics, single, and work in quantitative finance. And built a nice career for myself.I read math books at the post-graduate level for leisure. Its not that important if a girlfriend intellectually challenges me. Especially in my own field. I certainly don't compare my dates math skills to my ex's math skills. Or any other aspect of their intellect. Sure sometimes its fun to date a girl I can discuss math with, but trust me thats not what i'm hoping for.  I do care how they make me feel about myself, how much I enjoy their company, how they act around my friends and family, how they treat others, whether they are trustworthy, loyal, affectionate, sexy, etc. Pretty much what a guy is looking for even if he wasn't a math genius. Sure she may be better at math than you, but it sounds like you win on the stuff he actually cares about. You seem to truly care for this guy, and I'm sure he really notices that. Else he wouldn't be with you. But tell him that while you are glad she's successful and they are still friends, you really don't want to hear about it. I'm sure he'll understand.

You need to remember that your boyfriend and this woman broke up. It's pretty obvious that their high level math connection was not interesting enough to either of them to keep their romance going. I don't think they need to be in love to talk about math anyway, do you? You realize how silly this is, right? Focus on the reasons you and this man are together. It's actually quite unfair to keep dragging this other woman into your relationship. She seems happy not being in love with your boyfriend any more. Let that be enough.

You  have to keep in mind that they are not together for a reason. So what if she is so much better at math than you? There's more to a relationship than equations.

YOU are living in HIS past? Does that not sound in the least bit preposterous? Look at ourselves - we're hungry no matter how much food is on our plates. Little do we realise that there are hundreds of people out there feeling a thousand times more insecure because they don't even have dates yet. It would help if we toned down on our childish demands and know that what we have is given to us and we ought to keep it respectfully. You have a boyfriend - thank your fate! You're up a level! Nonetheless, it's an instinct, the species that we are, to welcome these stray thoughts. Because we are not discrete with our minds - we don't know what to control and what not to. 1) Your boyfriend is dating you because he sees something in you. Talk to him about it and let yourself know. Take it in when he compliments you, rather than thinking about some parallel universe where he's complimenting his ex instead. Pursue what exists and make something out of it. 2) Remember how you guys started dating? Did you not impress him with the work you were doing? Did you not talk to him about the humanities and him to you about math? Was he not impressed? You want to impress him more, then show him you still love your subject so. He had admired your independence, don't let that side of you vanish. 3) Replace those stray thoughts with something more productive. You have to do this forcefully, there is apparently no procedure. Get engrosses in the substitute thought. 4) Speak in public. Debate. Do something that would boost your self-confidence dramatically, if you aren't already doing so in some other way. It is important that the creative side of your brain be exercised. We harbor most of our confidence from there. 5) Mindfulness. You can obtain this by exercising patience and extracting the most out of the present moment. You can do this by meditating. I know it is over a year now, but these are my life lessons and I hope they are helpful. Good luck.

I totally understand and am going through the same thing. I had to (and continue to) overcome a lot from my upbringing and, by normal metrics, I'm very successful now. But my boyfriend dated someone for five years who I will always find a way to think is smarter, prettier, understood him better, etc. than me. I agree with what everyone above has said, and I find myself trying to remind myself this every day when I look at her Facebook page. But I find myself wanting her to fail, to lack success. It's really unhealthy, and honestly I have been working really hard on myself and my own confidence over the last year or two but it hasn't helped much. I really don't know what to say. It's difficult. I just hope to wake up one day and think it doesn't matter anymore. But I know that's unlikely to happen ... I'm not sure. But know that you're not alone.