Good Deeds: What rules should an adolescent follow if they want to help a student who is less fortunate financially?

I am a teacher, so have an idea of the education system. Children can form inexplicable groups and do weird stuff. You didn't mention the age. In England the poor qualify for free school meals. A lot of kids do go to school hungry and it is a problem. Poverty is a big factor and it can also be a symptom of neglect, as in the parents have issues that mean they aren't providing packed lunches. Just on a minor prudish point I don't like the idea of pizza being considered lunch. School involves a lot of walking about and my top tip for parents is have a substantial meal. I think it does your daughter credit that she cares. I think this is a very noble thing. It is also a way of introducing ideas of charity. I am guessing because I am not there. I would suggest that the behaviour of the boys is abusive, though maybe unintentionally. They are making someone poor do humiliating tricks (like eating food off the floor) for a reward. The boy eating crusts develops a social status whereby he eats stuff off the floor to "fit in". This becomes a pattern of behaviour. There are social dangers in helping other kids. You can get branded with the "loser" tag, which can make you socially dead. This is pretty important for kids, if you are the bottom of the social pile it can be difficult. I would suggest something more practical than food, (though that is a good idea), would be to get your daughter to discourage the behaviour. Eating food from the floor is not an advantage. Blokes need advice on things like hygene at any age. The boy needs to take steps to improve his position too. Don't expect your daughter to change the world: often kids will have problems that are really deep seated and baffle teams of experts. I think you have taken a very good approach: I think it is up to you to draw lines at where help stops. Asking someone if they need help is always a good idea. I think at some point you might have to discourage her from helping. So be prepared to draw firm lines like no cash, and not to over-care, i.e. starve herself. Try and warn her that helping others can be a frustrating business. People can be ungrateful or just refuse to change. The best way your daughter can help is just by mixing with the boy. It will increase his standing in the group: although mixing with girls is not considered cool until you are 14 or so, just having friends helps. The best thing your daughter can do is encourage the boy to develop self respect. The problems your daughter faces are the same as any adult would in trying to help. I wouldn't worry so much about the boy's ego, a boy will make things quite clear if help is drifting into interference. I think contacting the school authorities with your concerns about the boy could help. Teachers often have to take into account things that might affect a kid like divorce and bereavement. School authorities can be very mixed in their approaches: I'd say let them know and leave it at that.

She needs to be careful. She doesn't need this guy to think she is doing this because she is interested in him other than to be helpful. You never know who you are dealing with mentally or emotionally. She just needs to not embarrass him, if he has no money for food or whatever the case may be. Alot of parents are having a hard time financially. She should keep trying to be helpful to him. Some schools have a program set up for parents, who need some help with food. Maybe she should consider bringing this up to one of the counselors at school or you could.

Charity is tricky. The deepest way to help might be to discover something about his family and see if there are things you can do to bring employment, or better employment to the family.

Karla is wise.  I would absolutely go through a school counselor or other school official.  This kid may be being bullied and his lunch money stolen or something else just as dangerous.  You don't want your daughter caught up in a situation that might put her at risk. It is a sad state of affairs that we have to over-think even our most deeply seated desires to be a 'good Samaritan', but unfortunately that is the world we live in.

Many school cafeterias have prepay systems that could be charged up without the student knowing who is paying.  Also, every school I've ever worked for has an "angel" funds to help with situations like this.  The admin needs to know what's happening here.

Thinking for the boy, a good rule would be to offer without forcing it. As he accepts the help, your daughter might be able to ask more questions to gain more insight into his situation so that appropriate help can be provided? I think it's good to ask some of the programs out there for rules and guidance too because they've done this so much more- they would help a lot more insight on the matter. Thinking about your daughter, it might be a good exercise to ask her genuinely why she wants to help and from there develop a goal/aim for her to achieve through her help so that once it's reached she can step back a lot easier. For example: she wants to help because he's hungry and it upsets her to see someone like that, then it's to give him food and refer him to more longer term help (he can't eat energy bars for the rest of his life). It's important for this help- relationship to not become codependent (the boy needs your daughter to survive and your daughter need the boy to feel satisfied and fulfilled in life). That's where you can get a bit tangled and gets messy.

Best option, I think, would be to speak to the school. Obviously they cannot give you any information about the boy in question, but you could let them know you'd like to help and ask if a small, anonymous "scholarship" or grant could be given to help the boy. In this way, his pride is unlikely to be affected and the school more than likely already knows the situation. Your daughter should, of course, continue to try building a friendship. But you might speak to her about how charity can sometimes be humiliating, and ask if she has any suggestions about how to avoid that. Teens and preteens are often very good at knowing what would or would not embarrass a peer.

Agreed with Karla about being careful and surfacing the issue with the school counselors. In the U.S., disadvantaged students are eligible for free lunches from the National School Lunch Program---they don't have to eat table scraps. If they're eating food from the ground, something else entirely might be going on.

I might be wrong or right, I don't know. Maybe because I'm a philanthropist, I would look at it in a different way. You should not trust others and be friends with them so easily. Friendship is a different case. It's not that your help is limited to your friends only, you can aid others as well. It's important to be emotionally strong with these cases and you need to know where to give, what to give and most importantly, where to stop. I've seen people who seems to be so helpless but when you give them your hand, they drag you down to the mud and dump you there. Everyone has been blessed with the exact amount which they deserve. You can just think of people and you will understand that it works. But, for your child's better development just let her help him. Of Course you'll have to keep in view what sort of help is she offering and on which basis. I don't want this to add up in her habits because in that case she'll end up losing all she has. It might sound just too much but I'm talking with accordance to some of my personal experiences. You could consider these: 1- Try to meet his parents and help them rather than dragging the child into this. 2- All the teachers aren't to be trusted with something which deals with the child's respect generally so don't talk about this with them. If you think one of the teachers is modest enough, discuss it with him and he would think of something. 3- She can definitely offer him food but that's it. No money, never. You'd know this obviously. But don't make him realise the fact that a girl knows his financial condition. 4- Maybe the boy has a mental trauma because if he's studying in a good high school then he technically shouldn't be so poor or i just skipped a part of the question? You'd understand this when you view his bag and stationery  Maybe he's a victim of gluttony, I've seen many do this just because they can't resist food. 5- Just keeping his feelings in mind, avoid talking about your fancy gadgets and all with him. This is for the girl and mainly because not being hurtful can sometimes become helpful. 6- Don't pay very much attention to hi. You wouldn't want him to develop feelings for you. 7- If you become friends by any chance, giving someone a good time is also great. Don't think only feeding someone is only what you can do. But if he's starving or something, you can share. 8- A very good idea would be adding him to your group. I mean your group of friends. This way you can easily help him out. If your daughter is worried about him just talk to a teacher and he'll tell you the entire thing. Or see him for yourself. By your vast life experiences you'd definitely judge him in no time. Children can be mistaken but adults have a different point of vision. You'll judge him in a second if he really needs help or ain't worth it. I'll think about it and edit it if I get something else in mind.