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Has anyone moved from New Jersey to Pennsylvania?

What should I do about my boyfriend who's from India, worked in Canada, stayed with my parents and me, fought with my Mom, and has now moved away and blames me for messing up his life?

  • Back story: My boyfriend and I have been dating for more than a year. He's from Canada (work permit) but originally from India and I'm from US. We were supposed to get married and I was going to file for his green card here so we could start our lives. For some period of time, he moved from Canada when his work permit expired and started to stay with me, and my parents (I don't live alone). Some complications started to arise, my mom is really picky and she likes things to be done her way. He has lived away from his parents the majority of his life and I guess he isn't used to such pickiness. He was still trying his best to keep my mom satisfied even though he disliked her and my mom was annoyed by his habits.  We would talk about filing his green card, the wedding, and talking to lawyers but for some reason things never worked out. We spoke to a lawyer and he said that after my boyfriend would get a work permit, he would have to send me 50% of his pay if he lived in a different state. My boyfriend, I'll admit it, really watches money when he's trying to save, but when he wants to splurge, he'll splurge (when I visited Canada, he bought a seperate apartment for him and I). So instead he thought of a way and said that he'd move to Pennsylvania and he would start working there for his friends hotel and then would move to India, where I would come and we would get married and then I could file for his green card. Well he moved and my mom got a stroke, so I told him to move back.. He came back but he said that he would only come back if we would get married and file for his green card.. That didn't happen, instead once, my mom was yelling at me for something he should have done, so he spoke to her in a loud voice. I told him to apologize and he didn't. I asked her to apologize and she didn't. So he moved back to Pennsylvania and now he is telling me that I ruined his life because now he doesn't have any where to go either than India or Canada if he can get the paper work done. But at the same time, he blames my mom because she was really picky and he thinks she brainwashed me into not proceeding further. His plans were to start working here, save money, and start a business of his own. I keep trying to make him understand that it was not my mom, it was him because he would never talk to anyone in front of me, even telemarketers so that made me wonder if he's playing me or not. What's going on now is that I'm asking him to maintain a relationship because I do want to marry him. I'm telling him to work hard and focus on his goals while I focus on pursuing my career. I want to be in a relationship with him. While he says he loves me and misses me but yet wants and doesn't me to move on. He's confused because he doesn't know where his future is going to be and is scared because he doesn't know if it will work out between us. I gave him so much confidence and I showed so much faith in him and told him that I'm ready to wait until he's ready to get married, even if that means waiting 5+ years. And yes, I'm serious, I can wait for him. He tells me to not be in a relationship so much. Yet share things with him as if we were in a relationship so the feeling never dies I'm just confused with him? What's going on? How can I fix this relationship? When I read our old conversations, we mention not being able to live without each other and I can't. He's not that much of an expressive guy, he's a practical person. I know he loves me and he doesn't want his heart broken anymore but my heart is breaking and I want to be with him. What can I do to fix this relationship? Please help.

  • Answer:

    He is just using you for the Green Card. Nothing else!! Had I been ...

Anonymous at Quora Visit the source

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You're not going to like this answer, but you asked for it.   I would not remain in a relationship with this man. You didn't ruin his life. He made some questionable decisions and things didn't work out the way he would have liked, and he apparently won't take responsibility for that.   He broke up with you. Let him go.

Claire J. Vannette

I believe you're in love with him and he just wants a green card.   The relationship can never be fixed if that's the case.  You've found yourself a user and that's what he'll always be.

Bianca N. Diesel

Let's rewrite your question details with family excluded Boyfriend: Indian citizen, on visa in Canada, currently in US on undefined visa (doesn't really matter, even if he is out of status) You: US citizen who lives with a controlling mom The mistake happened when your boyfriend was introduced to your family and decided that staying with you might be a good idea. You may have received bad advice from an attorney regarding the 50% requirement. The correct advice would have been to open a joint account. The decision to move to PA and then to India is strange. When an immigrant marries a US citizen, many things are forgiven. My former wife was out of status when I married her. That did not interfere with her green card. You relied on him to care for your mom's medical condition. That might not have been the smartest thing to do and it could have led to his resentment of you. You have insecurities about him being honest with you (the telemarketer comment). That needs to be resolved first. What would I do? Book a vacation for the two of you for a few a days away from this house. If he's in US legally, which it sounds like he is, book an ocean cruise. Use that time to rebuild the relationship. Get competent legal counsel. US citizen marrying a foreign national who is in-status is among the easiest green card petitions. Limit his exposure to your family. I don't see a reason for two people who don't like each other - your boyfriend and your mother - to have to interact unless there is no way to avoid it. My experience: Former greencard holder and now US citizen who married a Russian girl and got her a greencard while she was out of status. We later broke up. Also lived with a somewhat controlling mom who was not happy with my habits while building my startup.

Leonid S. Knyshov

I am an Indian, so can understand some of the cultural issues. 1. His not talking to anybody in your house could be a cultural thing. A proud Indian man doesn't live at gf/wife's parent's place for long. So, he could be feeling low self-esteem because of that. 2. What are your and his ethnicity and religions? That may have long term relationship issues. 3. To really find out if he is there only for green card (which is a possibility), you will have to dig deeper. 4. Your mom has no reason to apologize. For what I have read she is not controlling. She cares for you, and thinks that the guy is not right for you. Talk to her heart-to-heart, she may tell you something which you didn't see. Or you will find out that her judgments are unreasonable. 5. How old are you and him? Nobody waits 5 years in a long distance relationship. 6. What I read is that he doesn't have a stable career and you seem to have that. Correct me if I am wrong ? If it stays that way, it would cause low self-esteem in him (him being an Indian guy), and damage the relationship down the road.

Anonymous

When someone says you ruined their life, that is a very emotional response and not at all a practical one. I am a practical person as well as emotional. I have never thought that anyone ruined my life because of a few mistakes. That is an overly emotional response.If he thinks that you ruined his life, and he is a practical person, ask him how. Ask him to give specific examples of ways that his life is ruined by being with you. As adults, both of you made deliberate choices to be with each other because you loved each other, correct? Is that person no longer true? If his reasons are all or mostly related to green card or business, you know why he was with you. If he insists on breaking up with you, you can tell him you have convinced your parents to give him money to start a business. See if his tone changes and he starts being more conciliatory. That is another indicator of what is important in this relationship for him - you or the money and green card. Of course, do NOT give him money at any point.

Amitabh Adhikari

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