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Beating Mean Girls At Their Own Game, With Grace

  • How do you tactfully put a mean girl in her place without stooping to her level? Especially when she's your own cousin. I have a female cousin who is several years my elder. She's never wished me well- except when we were quite young and she could assert some level of dominance over me (knowing more about life, lecturing me, showing me new things etc. I was a bit of a tomboy then and she was far more girly. Today I am all woman and take pride in caring for myself properly and put effort into my appearance and choice of clothing. And as soon as I blossomed, she turned into the Wicked Witch of the West). As soon as I blossomed and became a young woman, she took every opportunity she could to knock me down or attack me. She makes strategic comments to me at family functions when no one else is around that are just downright childish. Everyone thinks she's a saint. I just sit there and smile when someone mentions how sweet she is and hold my tongue. I know 'it' probably has to do with the fact that her little cousin seems threatening to her now. I understand that it's petty. She goes stiff when she sees me. I can see it, I can feel it. I try to ignore her and enjoy myself when we're at the same function, but sure enough every time we're in close proximity she pops up out of nowhere to insult me and then trots off, and I'm left standing there with this nasty cloud of her absurd I'm-trying-to-dominate-you flatulence floating around me. It's just so unpleasant. Her jabs at me are really starting to get on my nerves and I feel like the next time she does it I'm going to make a scene. I'd rather have more grace than that. But the truth is I just want to go off on her for being so childish. I don't need to shout at her and ask her what her deal is, because it's so blatantly obvious to me. I know what her problem is. But I really want to tell her that her behavior is awful and that she needs to grow up. There is no competition going on. I wish her well. I'm not playing her game. I've always been concerned about her well-being. I adored her when we were children. As adults I've always been supportive and in her corner. While I very well could have made a mistake at some point and mistreated her throughout the years, we never spent enough time together for that to happen, and quite frankly I'm just not a combative or snarky person so I don't ever feel the need to create drama and never have. There is absolutely no reason for her to be treating me this way, other than jealousy or competitiveness. She's buddy-buddy with another female cousin of ours who is someone she can dominate and who is far less attractive than she is. It just makes sense that she clings to this particular cousin who she was never close with until she decided to make me enemy numero uno. I just think the whole thing is petty and sick and I have to let her know. I will burst the next time she approaches me at a family event and makes one of her nasty remarks. I'm not skilled in mean-girl tactical moves, I don't play these games. I don't know how to deflect cattiness. It just bothers me, and I'm sure I give my attackers (there haven't been many, but the ones I've had have all been female and all around my age) the satisfaction of knowing their jabs bother me because I wear it on my face. I turn away or answer to it as if I wasn't just insulted. I pretend their comments were innocent and make a fool of myself for not throwing it in their faces, right back at them in some tactful way. I'm done doing that. I'm not going to be her or any other crazy girl's whipping girl anymore. I'm not going to apologize for threatening these rare but awful creatures from the abyss with my appearance or my aura or whatever damn superficial thing it is that makes these women behave this way. How do you guys handle people who are trying to compete with you, when all you want to do is have a good time, enjoy yourself, and be engaged in whatever activity is going on? How do you stand up for yourself without stooping to a petty attacker's level? How do you not let them make you feel uncomfortable? Sometimes I think life would be a lot easier if I were just a shark- a mean girl, or a borderline sociopath. At least then I'd know how to match one with their own BS. But I'm just not. I'm sensitive and I'm a 'nice girl.' I have no right-back-at-you tactics. I come across as easy prey for insecure women who want to compete because they know I'm not going to get nasty with them so they'll always win if they get nasty. I'm tired of being that girl. I'm far from weak. I'm just dumbfounded when someone attacks me like that. It just sort of blows my mind and makes me raise a brow and think what the hell, WHY?

  • Answer:

    There are two sort of classic methods to deal with this: 1) Attack in kind and be better, stronger, more effective, more pointed, and/more more ruthless, which not only have you said you aren't interested in and which, honestly, is the harder road. 2) Ignoring, not taking seriously, living well, which is harder to do at the outset but which maintains itself well after you get the momentum going and get the hang of it. When you live well, enjoy yourself and essentially ignore barbs and attacks as if they were beneath you (they are, but it can be hard to remember that), you defuse the entire game and leave your attacker with nothing, no friction, no leverage. So that's the sound advice, I think. Yes, the friction you'll get as she keeps trying to hook you should remind you not to play. But it is uncomfortable until you find some way to not doubt, to truly transcend the game, to truly not care. I'm sorry you're in this situation. I hope it resolves itself quickly!

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Take some time to reflect on the phrase "A man sees in the world what is in his own heart."

samthemander

The thing that really truly works is to genuinely care about her and do what you can to set aside her discomfort with you. Laughing at her does not do that and is a "mean girl" tactic itself. Such a response will just deepen the problems you have with her. You do it by realizing she feels threatened or something. And you bend over backwards to help her stop feeling threatened by you. This is not a "tactic" or "strategy." This is not for the faint of heart. I think this is what the bible means when it says "love thine enemy." It is an approach with an eye on the long haul, not the short. And it may not work because no matter how nice you are to her, you are not the only person in the equation. She can still continue to just be a jerk. It does happen. Once you understand and accept that, it gets easier. You have no obligation whatsoever to help her set aside her crap, which likely came from elsewhere. But if she is part of your life and you run into her frequently, then helping her set it aside is the path out of this mess. It isn't easy to do. It doesn't happen quickly. She will probably assume this is some new manipulative tactic on your part. She will probably assume that if you are being genuinely nice, you are her bitch. You have to side-step that as well. Letting her be abusive is not a path out either.

Michele in California

This seems pretty low-stakes. Can you LOL at her? I mean literally. It's a passive-aggressive yet fairly reasonable approach to flustering people who think they have some way to get under your skin, when in fact they have nothing if you don't take the bait.

Monsieur Caution

Yeah, this is like tic-tac-toe or global thermonuclear war, the only winning move is not to play. However, you have a couple different options for how to avoid playing. There's the cut direct (straight-up ignoring or looking through her), there's patronizing avoidance ("Oh, bless your heart,") there's naked sincerity ("Why would you say such hurtful things?"). But my very favorite is making her explain to you that she's playing a game, and what the rules are. When she says something awful -- I'll use cotton dress sock's example above, let me write it out: MG: "Oh, honey, no, not for you. Not even a pretty girl could pull that off." OH: "Excuse me?" MG: "I said no, not for you, not even a pretty girl could pull that off." OH: "I don't get it." MG: "What?" OH: "I don't get what you mean." MG: "I mean even someone who was way prettier than you couldn't make that work." OH: "I don't get it." etc. Eventually, they have to either drop it or else say explicitly "I'm trying to tell you that you're ugly and have terrible taste," at which point you can say "Ok, well, all right then!" and she will look like the idiot. Either way, this will rapidly become very annoying for her and she'll stop it.

KathrynT

Agree, just laugh, say something like "oh bless your heart," and then walk away and get on with having a good time, doing your thing, and engaging in whatever activity is going on. Nothing drives people like that crazier than knowing that their opinions are insignificant. Living well really is the best revenge.

rpfields

When she says something hurtful, say, "Wow, that was really hurtful. Why would you say something like that to me? I thought we were family, and should love and support one another." Seriously, if you're not going to address the fact that her behavior is hurtful, she can deny all she wants that she's doing it on purpose.

xingcat

How do you stand up for yourself without stooping to a petty attacker's level? You don't. You say you're not playing her game, and I applaud you for not playing her game. But her game is to needle you into blowing up and making a scene that will make you look bad in front of your family. Do that and you lose. How do you not let them make you feel uncomfortable? There's no way to feel comfortable with someone insulting and belittling you. However, if you keep up what you've been doing, you're beating her at her own game -- or, rather, you're undercutting her entirely by refusing to play her stupid game. It will always be uncomfortable. But discomfort is much easier to bear when it's mixed half-and-half with victory.

escabeche

I'm just dumbfounded when someone attacks me like that. It just sort of blows my mind and makes me raise a brow and think what the hell, WHY? Use that. Raise a brow, and say "Why do you say that?" Repeat as necessary.

RainyJay

If she only does this when you are alone with her then never be alone with her. If you are alone and see her approaching make a beeline for another person.

obol

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