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How can I tell my overprotective parents I´m going nomad?

  • Without losing them in the process.Click for (a lot) more of details. Pffff... where do I begin? Sorry if it´s long, but I can´t talk about where I am in life without talking about where I come from. I should probably begin by saying I´m a 31 years old adolescent. Some of what you will read will sound like "But Mom, pole dancing is an art!", but with a bit more experience under my belt. However I have to accept that I am now doing some things that the majority of people do during their teenage years, but I didn´t do them back then because I skipped that stage completely. I went from kid to adult in a snap. Not like some people who were forced to work and fend for themselves since I young age, it was much less traumatic for me. Being the child of my parents (healthcare professionals, politically active in their youth, always working to make things a bit better for those around them), I matured really quickly, and can barely remember a time when I didn´t behave rationally. When all my schoolmates were overtaken by hormones and laughed at everything that could be construed as double entendre, I was studying, collaborating with charities, working at a human rights NGO or getting involved with the students association. Up to there, everything my parents wanted for me, but at some point something broke. I took a drama workshop and fell in love with it. So much that it was what I wanted to do for a living. Eventually I got more involved with artistic theatre (as in making meaningful plays, asking questions that can lead to changes in what we do, not entertainment), and because there´s no support for that here and spectators are few, I decided it would still be my main focus, but I would find something else to pay the bills, however I wouldn´t go to the university in order to still have time to perform. My parents hated that. And more when those plans (along with a break up from a long relationship) took me to move to Spain. They gave me some money to help me, but not after doing everything to convince me not to go, telling me how hard I would fail, how irresponsible I was, etc. I lived there for a while, came back, and then moved to Argentina, driving my parents crazy again. With them being so important to me, though, I listened to them more than I should have. I focused too much on a steady job and forgot about art. I succeeded in becoming somebody else, a character that my parents wanted me to play, or that they would at least tolerate. And eventually I got very sick of that. Since then I´ve been struggling to getting out of that character, and I have come a long way, except when it comes to my family. A few years ago I started a different path, slowly, paying more attention to what I felt, starting to live more by emotions than by rationality. I began a spiritual search, opening my eyes to a bigger reality, learning a lot and realizing how good it is for me to help others along this path too. I also started to explore my gender identity, as I always knew I wasn´t male, or not completely male at least (if that makes any sense to you). I went to massage school, where I learned to work on much more than the body, but on the person as a whole, and saw that as a possibility of both paying the bills and doing what I always had been doing (which is not much different than what my parents did their whole life, although the approach is completely different). I learned some meditation techniques, became an "instructor" in some, begun to practice magick, and started to use more of what I already knew how to do all my life. All in the same vein of being a healer, in a wide sense of the word. I apply the principles of permaculture on my daily habits as much as I can living in a city. I have played several musical instruments. I take photographs. I shared all of this with my parents, and at every step they told me how wrong I was. How I was unprepared, how I was insane, how I should be institutionalized, how I was promiscuous, etc. And that´s when they listened. Somehow my father had no idea I had studied massage for two years. And while I was living abroad, they mostly lied to the rest of the family about me, to fit me into their idea of normal. Like when I started to feminize my appearance, they told everyone that waxing and having long, polished fingernails (that was before I started massage school) was the latest trend between argentinian men. Now, a bit over a year ago I decided it was time to leave Argentina and return to Uruguay and make it my "base". I was still working a corporate job but had a lot of patients. I knew I wasn´t going to stay still here, I had been talking with a friend from Brazil about doing a trip through the continent together, and was already feeling the call to learn to use sacred medicine herbs, but from the aboriginals (thanks to some contacts my friend has), not some westernized practice one could find in a city. When I told my parents I was coming back, they showed me the same type of support they usually do, which means they told me what a terrible idea it was, and when they couldn´t talk me out of it they offered me my old bedroom at their home to stay and another extra room to semirepurpose as my studio. I accepted the help, because even though I had some savings, renting here is not easy if you just moved to the country. Soon after coming here I went to Costa Rica for a very deep 5 Rhythms workshop (which I had been practicing for a while), and I started planning moving close to NYC to take the trainers training (hence my post about moving to Vermont, but due to visa requirements my destination is more likely to be Montreal), so I set to save money to relocate one more time. Such like my parents, Uruguay is much more conservative than you would expect, so building a clientelle as a massage therapist / circle dance teacher has been quite difficult, which led me to having to find another corporate job which I am hating and is making me literally sick (chronic fatigue and skin issues). Now, at the stage where I am in life, I realized that if I go to Canada now and stay there for three or four years, I´m probably going to settle there, maybe even start a family. And if I do that, I won´t do that trip I so much want to do. So while I do want to add 5 Rhythms to my magick toolkit, I feel I have to leave it for later and do this trip now. It´s not just for the "professional" reasons. It´s also the experience. Most of my life I knew exactly what I was going to do, what was going to happen next. I need to live the opposite for a while before I found my middle ground. I need to not know where I will be spending the next night. I need to let go of most physical possessions and live with the minimum. And well, I feel the time to transition to living fully as a woman may be closer, and the chance to be in new places can be a good opportunity to explore this and experiment. Heck, I don´t want to have to explain this, I don´t feel I should, it can´t be explained. Of course I´m not stupid, and I´m not jumping into the rainforest head first with no preparation, but I´m not going to get prepared sitting here. I will backpack through Brazil and maybe other countries, working along the way (I can legally work in all, or at least most of the continent without much paperwork) and will go to the Amazon when I feel it, and certainly not alone, I´m not going to pretend I´m Bear Grylls. Other than that, there is no roadplan, as I will be following each opportunity that presents itself, and I have no date to return or final destination. Since I started doing all these changes in my life I have met respect from a lot of people. Considering the statistics, I´m impressed by how many people have been perfectly okay with my gender identity. I´m not spoiled, I know how to find my way around the darker parts of a city, and I do have that something that, despite my peculiar appearance that attracts stares, I tend to be greeted and treated well wherever I go. Recently someone told me I have a vibe that makes her see me as a priest, maybe it´s that. However, as comfortable with myself I can be anywhere, I feel the opposite in my family. My parents have their own idea of who I am, and don´t want to see who I really am. They make me feel how embarrassed they are of me, which limits how much of myself I show to the rest of the family, and how much I interact with them. They act as if they don´t listen when I talk. From time to time my mother feels she has to buy me clothes and completely ignores the type of clothes I buy and wear. They treat me as the family´s technical support because I used to work for a company that manufactures computers (doing a very non technical job). Whenever they can they show me their disagreement with my lifestyle. They never cared to find out if I´m good at what I do, they assume I´m a hack, and because I´m not comfortable bringing people home (their home) they believe I have no social life. Now, mind you, my parents are great people. I admire them, and I wouldn´t be who I am if it wasn´t for them, because they have influenced me in a very positive way. What I do in this life, the mark I will leave in this world, is a consequence of what they did, and extension of it if you will. I just can´t get them to understand that while I do appreciate what they have done for me, my choices in life are different than theirs, and that I don´t want to live their lives but mine, that I have different priorities and value different things. When I try to tell them this, they guilt trip me by how much support they have always shown me, because they allowed me to do everything I wanted (they never jumped in front of a train, and a couple of times forked out some money I needed, but their "support" was always after hours of trying to get me to change my mind). These problems communicating with them have made me stop trying. I can hardly talk to them anymore because I know what their reaction will be. And then they complain when they find out of any decision that I took without asking them, no matter how minor. It makes me so angry that part of me wants to disappear from their lives, cut them off, and that´s not really what I want. The other day, during my grandfather´s birthday, my dad overheard me talking about the trip with some cousins I´m closer to. I hadn´t told him about it yet. He immediately started his questioning and showed me how uncomfortable with the idea he was. He hasn´t told my mother, but he told me when they come back from vacation on Thursday he wants me to tell them about it, and they want me to hear their opinion, meaning he wants me to let them talk me out of it. I am open for advice from them (although they never did something like this), and am flexible on how to do it, but not about IF I´m doing it. How should I face this conversation? I don´t need their financial support or anything, I just want them to accept I will be doing it, and that it is a good thing for me to do. I want them to accept it without having to justify or explain everything, because part of the appeal is that it is not carefully planned step by step. Any words of advice are appreciated. I really don´t know what I´m going to tell them, and I´m quite scared of what may happen.

  • Answer:

    Oh, and if and when you tell them about the trip: don't present it as something you want to do. Present it as something you are doing. It's not something you're considering; it's a decision that you have made. This may not make much difference to them, but it will make a difference to you.

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I want them to accept it without having to justify or explain everything, because part of the appeal is that it is not carefully planned step by step. There are two things here that you have intertwined, and the problem is that one is entirely out of your control and one is entirely within it. You cannot control whether or not they accept this trip (or your decisions in general), or how they might accept it (slowly and begrudgingly vs. rapidly and gracefully). The only thing you can control is how you choose to present it -- and you most certainly CAN present it without justifying or explaining everything. Oh, they may demand justifications or explanations in one way or another... but you are not obliged to meet those demands. You can refrain from following the same pattern you've always followed. In fact, that's really the only way that interpersonal patterns change. They don't change because you find some magic way to make the other person(s) change their behavior; they change because you make a considered decision to change yours. Take the trip. You were not put on this earth to protect your parents from all anxieties and fears and concerns they might experience. Your parents are adults and will learn to cope with the fact that you are making your own adult decisions. It might be a bumpy path, but at least it will be a path.

scody

One of the hardest parts about growing up is letting go of the need for your parents' approval. Your parents are not going to like or approve of everything you do. They will never "get" all of you. Resign yourself to that truth, accept it and keep doing what you are doing. This goes hand in hand with accepting yourself and becoming your own source of approval. (Become your own parent!)

Locochona

Stop taking money from your parents and don't frame anything as a discussion/negotiation if you want them to respect you and maybe agree with your choices. Responsible 30-somethings who want to pursue new business ventures or travel save for it, they don't try to get it from their parents. Or if you can't make it without their financial help, realize it comes with strings and that's the price of their continued "support" The vast majority of responsible adults would not set out through the Amazon without a complete plan. The majority of responsible adults stick with a career path and a place to live for a while instead of changing plans every few months. Your parents' skepticism is not "overprotective", it's a pretty mainstream attitude, and really they're pretty open-minded if they keep funding you. If you really feel like this is the right thing, execute first, ask for your parents to be happy for you later. Your ideas are so far outside what most people consider responsible and normal it's not at all reasonable for you to demand anyone's understanding and support up front.

slow graffiti

There are a couple things that stand out to me when I read the wall of text (and apologizing in advance because it is a lot of material, and I am having a hard time understanding the timing of some of the events, so I may be wrong in some of my conclusions and suggestions): -Are you occasionally taking money now? Or a place to stay (you mentioned to room that was available and it was easier). I would stop doing that, as much as you may love your parents. I've seen some adult relationships with parents spiral into problems where the parents tell the adult offspring what to because the parents in a way see the money as providing a right to make suggestions and it also appears like the offspring is not functioning. So if you are accepting things, stop (i.e. visit for a few weeks is fine, not for months). -You are an adult. You don't have to share EVERYTHING unless you want to. As an example, I've had friends who travel/traveled to developing countries. In communicating with family/friends, you share the good times. You don't tell them about hepatitis/malaria, because they can't do anything and it just scares them. So I am saying this because maybe you can tell them about your desire to travel/do X, but you don't have to tell them about Y,Z, 1,2,3, whatever. You have an idea as to how much they will understand/accept. -One more idea, and this was something I learned from watching an undergrad who I taught at the time. Anywho, the student was on a course to study nursing because her mother had that dream. But the students was miserable and failing the classes. She finally told her mother something along the lines of "I am not happy following this path, do you want me to be X or happy?" For whatever reason, those words went through to the parent. I wonder if you could use of those same words. You are not happy doing corporate job, but traveling in country X and seeing Y makes you happy. Good luck.

Wolfster

you have spent a lot of energy here trying to get us to see you for you, and i can't quite tell why. what is it that you aren't comfortable with about yourself? i hope that doesn't come across rudely, as you sound like an interesting person who does what they dream about, and this was an interesting read, but it might be a piece of the puzzle with you and your parents. i agree with the others, just do what you want to do. sometimes when we stop trying to force people to see things our way, and just do our own thing, there is space for better feelings. you need to change the me-against-them dynamic. if you are concerned about how controlling your parents are feeling, you may consider not accepting their money, places to stay, gifts of clothing, etc. The expression "there's no such thing as a free lunch" is really true. It sounds like the cost of these gifts is coming with you feeling criticized on every level. good luck!

andreapandrea

I have a transgendered son who took a long time getting to the point of changing his gender. Over the years we've danced in circles a thousand times because I never could figure out the whole story and he didn't seem to have any continuity in his life - he bounced all over the place for years. He's in his mid 40s now and has finally taken the steps to becoming a man, though he's not doing surgery yet. I "support" him in that I'm very happy that he's finally figured out what he wants and he's going for it. I've told my friends, with his blessing, and dealt with the shock and stammering that pops up at first, but they're all on board and supportive also. But - I put "support" in quotes because that particular word means something different to one person than it does to another. For example, I actually paid for his legal name change and was delighted to do it, I went to a meeting for transgendered people that was held for the express purpose of helping the family and friends understand and it was fine, but really dull, because I was already there, I'm (at last) finding it easier to call him by his male name than by his female name, although I'm still having trouble with the pronouns - in every feasible way, accepting his new gender - but when he starts telling me some of the details, I beg off. Up comes my hand and I say, "Stop - too much information - you need to save that for your friends and share not with thy Mama." I know sometimes he's disappointed because we've always talked freely about everything, or, at least, what I thought was everything, but I find I'm too old now to expand my knowledge in some subjects, if you get my meaning. So - am I "supportive" or not? I think so and he thinks so and has told me many times how happy he is that I'm behind him, etc. - but I think if you asked him directly he'd say I'm "partially supportive." In other words, I'm not sure he could ever feel completely supported by anyone other than someone who's going through the exact same thing. And that's my point. Your parents are different from you. They've led a different type of life. They clearly love you deeply or they wouldn't be welcoming you home and trying to redirect you - they do that out of a sincere desire to set you up for what they think would be a life of happiness for you. It's just something that goes with parenting, and as parents we all have to learn how to give it up and back off at some point. Keep in mind their motivation - it's not to condemn you - it's an ass-backwards way to give you love - but you'll do best to just go ahead and go for the brass ring. You sound like a talented, bright, gypsy sort, and the world needs those just as much as it needs conservative, predictable sorts. Look ahead, not back. Good luck to you.

aryma

You are 31. Financially independent. You don't need their approval, honestly. Go live your life the way you want to. Access risks, do it wisely, but it's YOUR life. Use it as you see fit. Treat them with respect, but really, you are not a child needing them to approve your every move. You really are allowing them to have way too much power over your thought processes. It "may" be useful to explore some of this in therapy, if you were so inclined, and can't allow yourself to break away. (By break away, I mean, live your own life, not break contact)

batikrose

I think I have a parallel experience to share. I'm a musician, I tour a lot. There are times when I'm very broke. I've lived in 6 different states in the past three years. My mom didn't give me too much flack, but she would express disapproval and generally only be able to discuss me getting a conventional job, not the success I was finding as a performer. She's a loving mom, I never felt like she was my enemy. I wanted to make her happy AND do my own thing. Well, I tried to do that. The result of this is that I often felt really guilty. I didn't figure this out until my therapist pointed out that I always referred to my lifestyle as very weird, extreme or fucked up. But.... its really not. That's all projection from adopting my mom's concerns as my own, even though I thought I was free of them. This kind of sounds like where you're at. You are already doing things. You probably shouldn't need to write a bajillion paragraphs about why they are OK. Familial love is tricky, but its not a debt you need to repay through justification. Something that really helped me was to tell my mom less. I don't tell my mom that I'm polyamourous and kinky, I don't tell her that I've been on food stamps in the past, I don't tell her that I buy plane tickets across the country on a whim. She doesn't need to know these things because she can't relate to why I do them. Your mom doesn't need to know everything about your trip. She probably isn't going to understand the healer aspects. It is a bummer, but part of growing up is realizing your parents aren't perfectly supportive saints. Its hard when you've had a mostly positive relationship with them too, because its difficult to not feel guilty for dividing from them. Just do it and stop telling them your plans except just to let them know where you are. Just call and say you are happy and ask how they are doing, tell them you love them.

supernaturelle

If you read your post again, it seems clear. You have a long history of going against your parents wishes, and yet it sounds like you continue to feel loved by them. I'm not sure what the problem is. The more interesting question to me is how you can have so much experience with going your own way and so many thoughts about others approval. One would think you would be an expert at this point. You are a son/daughter. I am a father to a son and a daughter. I observe both of their lives and I see things. I see strengths. If asked, I will give my opinion. I may think my daughter will be happier at medical school than getting an MBA. However, if she chooses the MBA, I'm all in. I'm hoping with every aspect of my being that it works for her. I care not at all about being right. I will love being wrong. However I am watching, and I see things. Perhaps one day, after my kids have successfully separated and found their own path, they will be open to my observations.

DTHEASH1

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