How do I get a boyfriend?

Dating isn't a video game, where if you engage the correct sequence of moves, you'll achieve a boyfriend. It's about getting to know people and seeing if each of you wants to take it to the next level. If there are dudes you're attracted to, why not just be yourself and ask them out? If they're put off, they aren't the dude for you. Don't fear rejection. It just means that that particular dude isn't right for you. Here are some things you can say: "You seem really into X. I'd love to go for coffee and hear more about it." "We keep running into each other at these things, want to grab a bite after this?" If you want some insight as to what kinds of conversations to have with people, to learn more about them, I recommend the horribly titled book, "http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001IWL2EM/metafilter-20/ref=nosim/." It's not about how to date, not really. It's about the kinds of conversation that helps you really understand the person, and helps you determine if this is the kind of guy you'd want to be hooked up with for the long haul. Don't put guys on a pedestal. They have their issues and insecurities too. Just try not to be too goofy and put yourself out there.

Sometimes questions get posted to Ask Me that just don't do well in cyberspace. I think this is one of them. The answers to your questions (they're all good questions, too!) depend quite a bit on who you are and how you present yourself, two things no one on the internet can speak to (sadly). Why you feel "not good enough" will affect which answer is right for you. I know for me, I decided to stop being the authority on how people "should" see me (well, for the most part). If someone likes me, they like me. They certainly aren't "wrong" for the way they see me; respecting their opinion is the first step towards deciding how to properly to respond to it (we're talking about positive opinions here). Otherwise, we're stuck in a preliminary stage, where I'm saying "nuh-uh!" to people's view of myself. Nothing you build from there as a relationship (and I'm talking about all relationships, romantic and non-) is going to be as solid or dependable as it would have been had you just said, "Okay, you think I'm X. How do I want to respond to you, as someone who you think is X?" My life has gotten more awesome as a result of this mindset. Hand-in-hand with this idea, is to not do the rejecting for them. You need to give other people the chance to come to their own conclusions about who you are, especially if the only other option you're willing to give them is that you aren't worth their time. You don't know that! Lead like you're great, and if that creeps you out or feels wrong, let me tell you a secret: people like to be liked by people they like. If you act like someone who believes she has real value, and then treat other people as if they are valuable, your affection will be twice as valuable to the people you're interacting with. Liking yourself is a gift you give other people through the act of liking them. I'm sorry this sounds so self-helpy. It's because I'm repeating words. It's the AM! But everything I'm saying is science (literally). So if you can't value yourself for yourself, consider valuing yourself for the benefit of the people around you. Flirting is an art. And because it's a social skill, it ends up being something that you either "get" to some degree, or you don't. You have three options, as far as I'm concerned, if you want to learn how to flirt. They are not exclusive. 1) read books, watch tutorial videos, watch people. I have some opinions about how a woman would go about flirting, but I've never been one and there's a host of information out there written by people who have either gotten under the hood and figured out how it works, or have an intuitive sense but are still able to teach it to others. Google searches yo. 2) People watch! You know the girls that you're thinking of who are "good" at flirting and always have dudes. Watch those ladies! What are they doing? When are they doing it? How are they presenting themselves differently from how people around them (who aren't getting the results you want) are presenting themselves? Make it a research project. I guarantee you, those girls are aware of their surroundings and value male (--or female! Whatever) attention. Flirts are goal-oriented, especially when they're the kind of flirts that result in dates. They also tend to cast a wide net and not get bothered when they can't pull a particular person. People are weird, and there are a hundred different reasons that they might not reciprocate your feelings. It could have nothing to do with you, and it could just be a temporary thing. Or not. But there's no reason to overthink it. 3) Upgrade your appearance. This works better, I have to assume, post-college, but even now, if you look like you play soccer, someone is going to invite you to get on the field. Clothes that fit, that don't have stains (bleach and otherwise), that are "attractive". Makeup. Et cetera. Cheat of off other girls who look like the kind of person that you imagine is where you want to be. I can't speak to your third question, other than to say that even people who don't flirt have a "biological imperative" (Real Genius reference!). Things happen. Right place, right time. You meet people you like. You hang out. Serial daters and uh, "flirtists": They're aware of how their physical appearance speaks to people around them. They make eye contact, and position their bodies to be accepting of other people's physical space. The people you're thinking of are communicating that they are available, interested, and worth people's time. Again, Google searches! You can MeMail if you have follow up questions, because like I said, this is a hard question to answer without knowing you personally. And finally... it sounds like there might be a particular dude who you are into, but you don't know how to take the next step. Smile when you see him. Open body posture (Google). Ask him questions about his life. Ask his friends if he's seeing anyone (even if you know he isn't). Some people are more dense than others when it comes to this kind of thing. If you ramp up to, "I want to see a movie with you" because he's not getting the message, cool. Dealing with the fear of rejection is another question (and post), but see the beginning of my post. Good luck tiger!

A. Fake it until you make it. B. Flirting is not creepy or desperate so long as you back off if the other person doesn't join in. C. I totally flirt, but I also ask people out. "Hey, want to grab a coffee?" D. Ask people out. Accept that some of them will say no, and this is not a referendum on your awfulness as a person. They just don't want to go out with you, no big deal. Most people probably don't want to go out with most other people. If you don't ask you'll never know!

Are you a human? Then you are never "not good enough" to interact with another human. Humans are bags of meat with Opinions About Stuff, and possibly one or two Talents, and that is literally the full and total extent of what they are. Find a visually appealing meatbag and find out what their Special Opinions are about Things, if they have any Good Talents, and see if they can choke down yours. BAM! YOU'RE ON A "ALPHA DATE"! Alpha dates help you refine your approach to the beta date and eventually the full release, which can be with the meatbag currently under consideration, or with a different meatbag you discover elsewhere if you discover the current code is just too irredeemably broken.

On flirting: So, I think I get what you say about flirting feeling silly and scary. I think it's always going to be a little scary, because you're putting yourself out there, which is hard, but if there's an aspect of flirting that feels unnatural and silly to you, you don't have to do that thing. Like "witty" banter and double entendres feel super dumb and gross to me. So my flirting style tends towards increasingly dirty jokes and invasion of personal space (like, if you're out with a group of people, and there's a booth, and you can sit next to him, and then you have to squeeze in another person at the booth - gold!). This does not work with every guy! This might feel gross and silly and unnatural to you! But I'm confident that there's a way for you to flirt that will feel not too gross. The secret to not seeming desperate when you flirt (and to responsible flirting in general) is to back off if your flirts are not reciprocated. As far as how to find someone without flirting goes, I guess you can just straight up say, "I find you attractive and would like to go on a date with you, how about next Thursday?" Flirting seems less terrifying than straight-up asking, at least to me. On not feeling good enough: Eh, let him decide whether he wants to be with you or not. Don't make the decision for him. And if he decides he's not interested, that doesn't mean you weren't good enough, it just means he wasn't interested. On serially-dating vs. chronically single: I'm actually very much on the chronically single side of the spectrum (though I have a boyfriend at right now, and hope that will last a good long while). But I don't think there's anything big that separates the coupled from the uncoupled. There are unhappy, insecure single people, and there are unhappy, insecure coupled people. There are confident, happy single people and awesome, mutually-supportive couples. There are singles who have lots of sex with people they barely know and love it. There are couples who barely spend any time with each other and don't seem to like each other much. Basically, I'm not sure that's a useful distinction to make. Focus on being happy, not on getting dates. "A" boyfriend won't make you happy (though the right boyfriend can definitely contribute to your happiness!).

I never dated too much and I am a horrible flirt. My first boyfriend wasn't until college, but I found my fiance through online dating. It takes out the guess work of flirting and with the benefit of giving more information about the person to hopefully select someone who is a good match for you.

There are girls out there who always have boyfriends, or get into relationships very quickly after they meet someone. What are they doing differently? Is it a vibe thing? Are they just better looking than me? Don't assume they're happier or more well adjusted or better than you in any way. It doesn't take a lot of skill to get into a relationship. It takes work to get into a healthy one.

Is this failure to flirt an issue? I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to try flirting, it just seems so silly! And scary. Mostly scary. Smile at them, laugh at their jokes and physical touch. I'm pretty sure every woman who's ever shown interest in me did so, at least at some point, by putting their arms through mine, leaning against me or my placing their hand on my knee.

I could have written most of this. But I thought I'd pop in to say that flirting doesn't have to be complicated. Not all music is Bach - Arlo Guthrie also has his charms. Flirting can be as simple as a warm smile, held for just a beat longer than normal. Flirting isn't restricted to romantic prospects - you probably use flirt muscles with your friends without thinking about it.