Help me Identify Homo Sapiens Sapiens in the Field from a Distance

I am looking for assistance in figuring how to spot Homo Sapiens Sapiens -- you know, Modern Man -- from a distance If you know how to do something he is trying to do, and when you tell him, he believes you. Quick, easy, and very telling.

What works is being mindfully observant. Or, as the saying goes, pay attention when people tell you who they are. Men who hold strongly sexist views about women will make this known pretty clearly, pretty quickly, as long as you're paying attention. How does he talk about women in general? (Does he even use the word "women," or is his world full of girls, broads, and old biddies?) This includes his exes, his mother/sisters/daughters, his coworkers/supervisors, and women he doesn't know personally. Are his exes all gold-diggers and/or crazy and/or sluts? Does his world seem to be populated with incompetent women (at work, at the store, at a restaurant, in the state house)? Do you hear a lot about women's appearances (did his ex-wife let herself go? Is his daughter too fat/too thin? Should a particular actress get breast implants? Is a particular female politician too ugly to fuck?) These are all red flags. The way I've written it out here makes it all very obvious; sometimes it is, but sometimes it's a little more subtle. Secondly, how does he talk with and about you? When you talk about your professional or intellectual or creative accomplishments or aspirations, is he engaged in the discussion? Does he ask you questions that indicate genuine interest? Or does he denigrate your interests, and/or change the subject? More generally, does he listen to you? Does he respect your preferences and opinions (even when they differ from his)? If you keep these things in mind, a man who doesn't generally respect women and see them as human beings capable of equal partnership will give himself away pretty quickly.

My A #1 feminist man finding tactic is to ask men out yourself. I've been told more than a few times that by taking the initiative myself (it has been an explicit policy most of my adult life), I'd be turning off men who are more socially conservative. Which isn't my reason for having that policy, but was a super-great bonus. Also, keep an eye out for men who treat you with the respect you deserve as an independent adult. When you make a choice, no matter how small, does he argue with you? Try to talk you out of it? Offer a bunch of unsolicited input? Well, boo to that guy, then. That's really what it's all about, ultimately. Understanding that women are adult human beings with agency, and respecting that, as others have said.

I think you need to ask, and pay attention, and be willing to leave if he's not what you're looking for. You absolutely can't treat your next relationship (or any relationship) like it's your one and only chance for love - that's the kind of thinking that makes you overlook red flags. When we (i.e. humans) are all worried about making a mistake, we become so invested in believing we made the right decision that we convince ourselves we did when really we didn't. Be OK with making a mistake. Be OK with going on a third (or fourth or fifth) date with a guy who turns out to be an asshole. Talking about your work is probably good, but on the other hand I know two-career couples who know *nothing* about each others' work. Like, they could say "he's a software developer" and "she's a biochemist" but beyond that... nothing. I'm also just one of those who's mostly not interested in other people's jobs. So if you're going to talk about work, focus on how your work's important to you, not on the work itself (unless he's actually interested!).

I think the kernel of your issue is this: you're not 19 with no options anymore. You can afford any (and/or all! load 'em up!) forms of contraception, or an abortion. You have a job. (You don't need to be punished for having sex.) You don't need a man to get you out, you just want a man to enjoy sharing your life and time with, including supporting each other to grow and do more and be better. It's true that lots of people (regardless of how many incomes they have) split up over domestic stuff. Most of them have kids at home. When you are two grown people, it's not that hard and it's not that high-stakes. It's certainly nowhere as incredibly hard as it must have been for you with kids and no help. And without small kids at home, with two middle-aged career people, most domestic inequalities can have money thrown at them. You do absolutely want to find someone who wants to do their part, but if it turns out they're not very good at or too busy for some of it, it can be outsourced. You do have to talk about this stuff, but that is absolutely a luxury that you can now indulge in. You can't get trapped, because you're not going to be dependent. And you now don't have to do anything you don't like. If you meet a guy with bullshit ideas about contraception (or safe sex, or who can and can't be on top, or how many orgasms is sufficient), you can roll your eyes and move on. If you have him over for dinner and he doesn't offer to do the dishes, invite him over to the sink with you. If he doesn't like it, that's the last date. You have power and you have control and you get to set your boundaries wherever the hell you want them to be. You're not 19 with no options anymore. To a certain extent, you're going to have to get out there before that's really going to sink in, and you'll have to trust yourself. But as much as there are shithead people out there who might try to take advantage, people are actually good about showing - if not telling - you who they are if you are willing to believe them. There are also people who are just good old-fashioned crap at being partners, and if that's not okay then the hard part is binning a nice but not-for-you guy. Me? I'm married to a guy you probably wouldn't or shouldn't date - I mean, he's super nice and got a vasectomy (yeah, took me years to trust it wouldn't auto-reverse), but needs me to prepare a spreadsheet so he can clean his bathroom and is intermittently employed and would starve to death if I didn't make all his meals, but he takes instruction really well and makes me laugh and never complains (and picks up take-out or microwaves leftovers) when I have to work late. When I have a massive anxiety freakout, he says nooooothing and just focuses on parking or whatever. I do a lot of the heavy lifting, including paying the rent. He does a lot of the trivial shit. We make the trade-offs happen. But we don't have kids and that might be why it's so easy.

I'm not sure how you're going to be "trapped" in a relationship. You have income and you can take care of yourself. You're not dependent on anyone, and there's no reason to ever sacrifice that to a relationship. So, I think I'm seconding mskyle. If this hypothetical relationship isn't working for you in some way, you leave. This power to leave a relationship relieves you of the necessity of figuring out from a distance if a man you don't even know is a troglodyte, which is fortunate as hell, cuz there's no way to know that.

Every single couple I have personally known who tried that wound up with a guy who basically mooched off the wife. I have no idea why anyone would put up with that. ??? I'm 31, from CA, living in an urban area and in almost every couple I know the woman earns more - sometimes by a little, sometimes by a lot. The guys all pull their own weight or more around the house and none of them are gamers. I think we know a lot of strong well-educated women who are clear about their expectations early on, and make it clear that they have no trouble dumping someone's sorry ass for that kind of poor behavior. If you're independent (financially) and comfortable with yourself and being single... you have nothing to lose! I feel kinda bad recommending this, but dating - and dumping - a few guys and knowing you can do and survive that works wonders. Also, he is not an "alpha" male. I was attracted to his soft-spokenness, thoughtfulness, humor etc... not his power suit. He's a social worker. Neither of us are competitive alpha career types - we aren't paycheck-to-paycheck, but we live simply and within our means, our jobs have reasonable and regular hours, good benefits, etc. I bribed my two adult sons into taking over the housework and cooking and grocery shopping when I had a corporate job and they still live with me. So I know it can be done, but my brain cannot figure out how that works if they are your lover instead of your son... There was never any 'claiming' to be up for anything, and 6+ years or marriage later there is no bribing. We re-negotiate chores as needed. You don't want someone who talks - you want someone who DOES. We are both adults, both work, and both enjoy a cleanish home and decent food. When we were dating his apartment was clean and he made me homecooked meals. We always, from day 1, split things, took turns etc... like roommates in a co-op. We pick up after ourselves, split the chores (which honestly, he probably does slightly more of), and take turns grocery shopping. I've had people balk when I describe dealing with practicalities like roommates, but we've been very happily married for some years now and it works for us. I'm pregnant with our first, and was tired yesterday.... so when I got home I took a nap while he: did breakfast dishes, fed cats, cleaned litter tray, did two loads of laundry, made dinner, and then did those dishes. I skipped my grocery shop, so he's doing a longer shop today. I didn't ask. I did say thank you. We've both gone through periods of unemployment, telecommuting, school etc. and we're both extremely self-conscious about fairness and pulling our weight. Chores get temporarily re-negotiated, and the situation is always been very temporary. Your sons are adults, and should be doing all these things anyway, because they are adult human beings and not animals. We met at work. I never expected or put up with anything less.

Look for the guy who listens to you, respects you, and considers you opinion as seriously as his own There are actually many men who deeply respect women, but due to that attitude they are unlikely to aim to sweep you off your feet, which is not in the least respectful.

I would gently argue that the vast majority of men who date 48 year old women are going into it with their eyes open to the fact that those women do not have pregnancy in their future, so unless you explicitly lie and state otherwise, you do not need to worry about accidentally getting involved with a man who wants to impregnate you. Beyond that -- again, because of your age, a lot of the men who you're going to meet are going to be men who have already been in a serious relationship or marriage in the past, just like you. You can learn a lot about their current mindset by the way they talk about their previous relationship(s).