choose: job and lifestyle OR friends and family

Another point of view. You're comparing the way your social circle / family life feels on short visits home to the way everyday life feels in your current location. That's not a fair comparison. When you're home for a week, everyone's excited to see you and makes time for you -- when you move back home, you may find it's not as enriching as you imagined. And: I can't tell from your question whether you're saying "I wouldn't be able to get as high-paying a job at home" or "There's a serious risk there'd be no jobs for us at home." If it's the latter, boy, I'd think very carefully about whether a period of prolonged unemployment is what you want for you, your marriage, and your kid.

Wait it out another one to three years max, save a ton of money and job hunt, then move home.

- In the Peace Corps they mapped out the emotional cycle that we would go through during our two years abroad. I wish I could find that again ... it was amazingly prescient. Almost to the month. For the first year they warned us that the highs and lows would be extreme. The second year would be a more moderate version of the same cycle. http://wws.peacecorps.gov/wws/educators/enrichment/culturematters/ch6/diagram.html is a version of that chart -- it's slightly different than the one we were shown when I was a volunteer in that it's missing the timeline, but it charts the key ups and downs, and as mentioned is somewhat creepily accurate. One of the interesting things about it is that it scales easily up and down -- you go through versions of the ups and downs both in short cycles and over multiple years, so there's a chance that you are coinciding low moments both in the new job contract and over the five years of your expat life. Those overlapping down moments are absolutely the toughest, which is when thinking of it as a predictable cycle can really help give perspective. I think the comment above about how your friends and family have changed while you are away is important. How, for example, would you feel if you quit your overseas jobs, came back, and then discovered that half of your closest friends are all moving away for graduate school, and two others are separating and in the process dividing up the remaining friends? Be careful that you are not creating a more perfect version of "home" in your head than really exists, based on the fun and intensity of your visits (just like tourists often imagine the perfection of being able to stay in the place they are visiting, not thinking through all the petty frustrations of living in a place versus vacationing there).

I have been profoundly lonely as an expat, I have been broke and unfulfilled in my work, and I have even been both at the same time! I would take being profoundly lonely every time. I cannot stress the toll that struggling in a depressed job market and having no money can take on you and on your relationships (leaving you profoundly lonely anyway!). But I also say that because, as others here have mentioned, you really haven't given yourself enough time. I've moved around a few times, and I've noticed it take at least a couple of years to settle in to a new place. It takes time to make friends and connections. You are probably also idealizing life back home to some extent, which is normal. So, my advice: renew the contract for another two years and re-evaluate how you feel at the three-year mark. At the same time, you can also think about your longer term goals, put away some savings, and consider a strategy for returning home if that is what you decide to do.

I'm married with one on the way. We're an international couple, so our choices are between his home country (better wages, lifestyle, national healthcare; but we're not as close to his family and don't fit in as well here in general) or my country (we fit in and love my family, but... poverty). We've lived in both, and have settled in his country. However, I am very lonely. I've had a hard time making friends. I have some acquaintances that I go out with sometimes, but there is no one I'm really close to and I don't see that changing any time soon. I think this is part of being an adult. http://joannagoddard.blogspot.com.au/2012/07/the-difficulty-of-making-friends-as.html, http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-challenge-of-making-friends-as-an-adult.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0 - note the hundreds of comments. Being an expat is hard too, but I'm not sure moving home would magically fix it either. Every time you're home, it's an "event" - it's not the day-to-day reality. Being a day-to-day friend is different, and when I lived at home I had different friends than I thought I would, and they were hard to find a few between too. My experience has been similar to town-of-cats'. When I'm "far away" there's lots of emailing, skype-ing, punctuated with memorable intense visits. When I lived driving distance I only saw people more because *I* instigated it and because my grandmother was ill and often other people were around helping her out. I lived 'home' for two years, and my dad visited once. I've been overseas for two years... and my dad's visited once AND I get heaps of emails and stuff. It really depends on your family. In my experience with my family AND my husband's family is that unless you're all around the corner from each other - literally - everyone is too busy to see each other as much as they say they want. I adore my family and we like each other and get along, and want nothing more than to live in a great big co-op house everyone... but it's not real. They have their own jobs, their own friends, their own in-laws, etc... too. They have their own lives, and I need to have mine too. I think I had to accept (and it's hard) that part of growing up is forging my own path and life. We were living pay-check to pay-check in my country - any little thing would have been a disaster (pregnancy, major car repairs, etc...). In the two years we were there, my husband went home to visit zero times. It wasn't living. A depressed economy and high cost of living are very real things that prevent people from living full adult lives. It is NOT fun. This has been a massive lesson in imperfection and not getting everything I want (or thought I'd have) in a really really basic way. There are no good answers, no one 'has it all', we're all making choices and doing are best, and it's always messy. I like the idea of having a vacation house in the US. I'm trying to rope everyone into bi-annual camping trips. I love my family, but not enough to go back to making $10/hr as an independent contractor. My grandmother missed me, but said she'd have made the same choice if she'd had it. Remember too, that this is a lucky choice and a difficult one, but not a new one. It's the choice my great-grandparents made when they left Russia and Denmark, my husband's grandmother when she left Germany, etc. It's hard. I'm very thankful for the internet, airplanes, the the ability to afford both. This might be worth hashing out with a therapist.

It sounds like there would be fewer obstacles to fixing the loneliness problem while on your contract then there would be to trying to find jobs back home. Most people get worse at making friends in mid-adulthood - but it is by no means impossible and there have never been so many ways of meeting up with like minded strangers in a particular place. Consider carefully what it was that gave you such a great circle of family and friends at home: to what extent was the building of that circle done by you and to what extent was it done by others? On your current posting are you employing the same tactics to get out and see people as you where before? Is there anything you could be doing better? For many overseas contact jobs high pay is the main motivator that has to be set against danger, boredom, isolation, etc. The money, in this case, is really there as a compensation for the degree to which the job is eating you away. But strangely you don't mention money- instead you talk about things like professional respect, having a maid and good weather. That list makes me wonder if there is a clear goal that you and your husband share for why you are doing this? Is all the work allows you to pay of a mortgage early or have the option of getting lower pressure jobs on your return - then it might be worthwhile. Or maybe the sunshine and the adventure is enough - get out a spreadsheet and do some balancing.

My husband and I are in the midst of making a very similar decision right now - we are actually planning to move further from friends and family for job reasons. It has been a wrenching decision. But both of our dads had long spells of unemployment and failed entrepreneurship when we were kids, and we didn't want to put our kids through that. Our industry is very regional and after we had our first child it no longer felt like an acceptable risk to be in a city where it wasn't strong. My parents and sisters are very upset with us, and my husband still hasn't told his nearby extended family. But now that we are parents we feel much more like we have to put security first. Before we had our daughter I think we both thought we would see family every week once she arrived, making staying here worth it. But that just hasn't been the case. And when we do see them, it's only for a couple hours at a time. I think we'd honestly prefer having houseguests and getting more intense, less frequent interaction. Maybe this is a "grass is always greener" thing and we'll come to regret it... I hope not, but who can tell.

It seems like you are sort of answering it by your actions. The first 4 or 5 years the choice was obvious, lifestyle. Now, you are drifting towards family. I think the fear is signing another two year contract. I think this is so individualized, but if it were me, I would opt for lifestyle. I have life long friends, ones I have known since kindergarten. They live all over the country. We talk, we get together in some city for a weekend and we email. It is terrific. My family is also supportive, but they live in different cities as well. I view the most important people in my life as my spouse and children, my immediate family. Spending time with them is enough. I don't think you can analyze your way to an answer. If you are enjoying your lifestyle but are lonely, I would not count on moving back to make you happy. Living some place is a big difference from visiting for a week or two at a time. Also, it is my experience as an older person observing a lot of relationships, that financial struggles play a big part in causing problems in those relationships. To me, it would suck having family and friends around to help me pick up the pieces of a broken relationship. I would rather have the relationship and email my family and friends. One other random thought. As your young child gets older and goes to school, it will be easier to meet other parents of children your child's age. Almost all of my friends I made as an adult are people that I know through activities whith my children. These are good friends I can go out with and drink 6 shots of tequila with type friends. Guys who come over to watch the big game. I would opt to stay, but what do I know.

Lifestyle and career. Your friends and family will always be that. Family doesn't fade away. Use some of your available wealth to being friends to you! But also as escabeche said you have to let go to settle more in the long distance role. Travel and an understanding of the world will make your children better humans and citizens of the world and you're setting yourself up for long term financial success. Moving back to shit jobs and bad pay will set you back, maybe for a very long time... And think if this: is it better to miss your dear friends or somehow blame them in your heart because you hate your hometown job and crappy apartment that you can't get away from because you can't travel? Especially when you spend 60 hours a week involved with work and maybe 5-10 max with friends and family. Career and lifestyle. The modern world demands this choice. Thankfully the modern world is very small with Skype and direct flights to everywhere. Enjoy your experience. So many never get the chance to leave their hometown and experience the world or game financial freedom. You get to do both. Embrace it and put the same effort into integrating into your new culture as you do into staying in touch with home. Best of luck, hang in there. It DOES get easier.