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What are three objectives for a preschool child doing patterns?

The ex is reaching out...

  • A few years ago, my ex started avoiding me due to his new girlfriend not being okay with us hanging out. We have a lot of mutual friends, and this created a very awkward social dynamic for the last three years. He recently reached out to me via email and I'm not sure how to respond... I had a good friendship with an ex-boyfriend of mine until about three years ago. I broke up with him because he was very codependant on myself and his parents (he was around 30), and had difficulty coping with common life situations like an adult. (Mom took care of his finances, he frequently reached out to his parents so they could reassure him that “everything is going to be okay”, could not even bear to go on short business trips because he missed his loved ones too much, went into insecurity spirals every time I -- a major introvert -- needed alone time to recharge my batteries). These qualities were very emotionally draining for me, and even though he's a good guy, I had to separate myself from the relationship because it was exhausting. After we broke up, and after a period of cooling off without contact, we managed to go back to being friends, like we had been for years before we ended up together. This lasted for a good year. Then he met someone, and cut ties with me in an incredibly cold-hearted way, citing his girlfriend’s insecurities as the reason. He had never told me that he was seeing someone, so that came as a bit of a shock, but okay. He’s the friendliest guy ever who is known for staying good friends with all his exes, so him wanting to sever all ties was a bit surprising to me. Before I could even say “okay, I understand”, he blocked me in all ways that I could get in contact with him (not that I would have hounded him anyway, but he blocked me on gtalk, Facebook, imessage, everything). I was a bit hurt (platonically), but I got the hint and stopped trying to contact him immediately. We have tons of mutual friends, and the fact that he was no longer talking to me created a really unpleasant dynamic between all of us. He made it clear to everyone that he would not be attending any event that I was also invited to and forced our friends to act as middle-men who had to manage who got invited to what. They couldn't believe that he would cut contact because he's friends with all his other exes. A lot of people asked me “what did you do to him?!” like I had done something unspeakable to incite this level of avoidance. This has been going on for the last three years, and even though I have had no contact with him whatsoever during this time, I still end up having to smooth over the weirdness that arises when we’re both invited to the same event. I struggle to understand why I still have to deal with awkwardness created by someone I haven’t spoken to for years. I resent that this still comes up and that I’m somehow held responsible for something that I had nothing to do with and I’d love nothing more than to just be rid of this problem. Until he started to avoid me, I had a very high opinion of this guy. Unfortunately after all this silliness, I just feel like he’s a burden. I recognize that he has issues that he really needs to sort through, and I do hope he works through them. I just don’t really want him to be in my consciousness anymore. Last week, he emailed me out of the blue. It was a really fluffy self-serving email that basically went along the lines of “Hey! Thought about you the other day and thought I’d say hi. Things are going really well for me. I’m still with my girlfriend, and I just got a promotion and I’ve been in therapy for a year learning how to take control of my life as an adult. Hope you’re great!” I almost didn’t respond, but since we have mutual friends, I figured I’d send back a cordial response so as not to seem petty - something that wouldn't encourage further communication. "Thanks for the life update, seems like things are looking up for you. Can’t complain on my end, life is treating me well. Good luck with everything." I was pretty sure he wouldn’t respond, but he did. "I’m sorry for the way we stopped talking. I acted like a child, not like a friend, I avoided the confrontation and it wasn’t a straight forward way of dealing with things. I wasn’t really straight forward with anyone back then, or myself. You don’t really have to accept my apology, I think I just wanted you to know that I look at myself a different way now and I think that that way I acted years ago was pretty gutless and selfish and certainly wasn’t acceptable. I didn’t deal with difficult situations like a man, I’m working to stop those patterns. I’m happy you’re doing well" Do I have to respond to this? I mean, my first impressions are that the apology doesn’t really mean anything to me, and that seems like it might be a therapy exercise. I’m not sure I know what he wants to accomplish with this message... whether he’s trying to re-establish communication, or if he just wants to absolve himself of some kind of guilt that he feels. If it is a therapy exercise, then I think it’s a very positive thing that he’s seeing someone because he definitely has some things to work through, but if he’s trying to get me to be a part of his healing, I’m not sure I want a part of it. I initially felt like firing off an angry response, because he never gave me the chance to communicate to him how uncomfortable he was making my social life, among other things. I won’t do that, but I did have that impulse. Holy moly, this is long! I guess my questions are... would it be mean to not enter this conversation with him? What do you think he’s trying to accomplish? Do I owe it to my friend group to try to “make things right” (even though I don’t think it’s my responsibility)? If I do respond to this, how can I do it without getting dragged down and without being defensive or angry? Should I just run the other direction? Etc etc.

  • Answer:

    From the totality of your post, I think the only thing you want or need from this man is for an end to the stupidity and weirdness around his inability to be in the same place as you at the same time: nothing more. Therefore, what about responding with something like... "Thanks for letting me know that you're re-evaluating your approach to difficult situations. I will presume, then, that you will make it clear that it is no longer necessary for our mutual friends to jump through hoops to ensure that we don't inadvertently wind up at the same events and that neither you nor Girlfriend will make a scene. Have a nice holiday."

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"Thanks for letting me know that you're re-evaluating your approach to difficult situations. I will presume, then, that it is no longer necessary for our mutual friends to jump through hoops to ensure that we don't inadvertently wind up at the same events and that neither you nor Girlfriend will make a scene. Have a nice holiday." I like the spirit of this, but (somewhat unfortunately) I think it needs to be 10-20% nicer if you actually want to achieve the goal of non-awkwardness at future social gatherings. This advice assumes that you simply want to be able to attend a gathering with these people and that you are not interested in being friends or even, really, friendly but are interested in being civil and attending parties etc. with them-this is where I think you're at with regard to this matter. Anyway, here is my pass: "Thanks for your thoughts. I hope that it will be easier for you, me, and Girlfriend to attend the same events now and in the future-I know that has caused some difficulty for our mutual friends. I appreciate you reaching out, but to be honest, I've moved on and I'm comfortable with our lack of communication" Do not reply to further communication. At mutual gatherings, greet them pleasantly and interact with civility in the context of larger groups, but don't engage them in smaller groups-find someone else to talk to or something else to do. ----------- If, on the other hand, you aren't interested in even really being civil or having any response or communication, but still attending the same events, that's harder but possible. Do not reply to the email, or any other communication. At the next event where you are both present, expect to be asked about it. Say brightly, "Oh, I didn't really have any thoughts about that" and excuse yourself. I would expect to be eventually cornered, though-when that happens, I don't have any good advice but to be pleasant and firm and direct about ending that conversation as quickly as possible.

Kwine

I agree with the answers above... not engaging is not "mean," but it would be more effective to be nice, a little distant, and emphasize that you want the awkwardness with mutual friends to end. Just wanted to add that this: I acted like a child I avoided the confrontation I wasn’t really straight forward with anyone back then, or myself. I look at myself a different way now I didn’t deal with difficult situations like a man, I’m working to stop those patterns. is not really an apology. The only "you" in there is "you don't really have to accept my apology" and the thrown-in "happy you're doing well." He's just trying to make himself feel better, like he's progressed as a person. So I wouldn't stress too much about what you owe him here.

chickenmagazine

windykites' "ok" would be a hilarious and deadly come-back. The brevity says it all.

nacho fries

This reminds me of an A.A. apology, or of someone trying to use you as a source of validation. It also reminds me that i have an ex who pulls this shit every time his current relationship starts to get rocky- then a few months later, they're broken up and he wants me in his life again paying attention to him and making him feel important. I would just send back a message that said "ok" and carry on like this guy didn't exist. Who needs this crap?

windykites

Yeah, I personally do not see the need to tread lightly with your response. There's no need to get nasty about it but you should really be forthright about how much he has inconvenienced you for the past 3 fucking years for absolutely no reason other than childish bullshit. Also, as an aside, the fact that your friends still comment on it after 3 years doesn't paint them in the best light either. (Presumably you have told them that their constant mentioning of how uncomfortable the situation is only serves to make it more uncomfortable?)

elizardbits

Do I have to respond to this? Well, based on everything you've shared, it appears he was totally and completely in the wrong, and through therapy is discovering that he was totally and completely in the wrong, so is apologizing to you (explicitly saying that he understands if you don't accept it, given his behavior.) In short, he's learning to take the high road. It's a good thing. You don't have to acknowledge it or support it, but if you want to take the high road -- and were I in your shoes, I would -- I'd just say "Thank you for sharing that, and I truly do wish you well" or somesuch. Basically acknowledging that you appreciate his effort, even though you may or may not actually accept his apology. As for what he's trying to accomplish, he's probably just trying to find a way to acknowledge that he realizes it was all him, without putting you in a position where you feel put-upon. That's probably a good thing. Whether you respond or not, you're not obligated to do anything, and if you encounter him at parties or whatnot in the future you can be polite but distant.

davejay

"okie dokie" might be even better, actually. the sheer dismissiveness, omg.

elizardbits

What an awesome question! Not everyone gets a chance to address past weirdnesses like you are right now. - It's acceptable to not reply. - It's acceptable to give a SHORT reply acknowledging his apology. - It's acceptable to give a short reply acknowledging his apology AND directing him to clear up any weirdnesses his past choices created for mutual friends (if there is anyone imparticular hosting an event who was put out over his refusal to be in the same room as you - name them!) - It's acceptable to say whatever the hell you want to this guy, long or short. I like the third option best, but that's me. Upon Edit: I like exactly what carmiche wrote!

jbenben

He's been making things difficult for you with your circle of friends for three years. I like http://ask.metafilter.com/253642/The-ex-is-reaching-out#3684468's response, although I would probably be even more direct (and less willing to put up with his games): "Great. I assume this means you'll stop being such a drama-monger and making things difficult when one of our friends is planning something? Because you were way out of line there, and you've caused awkwardness for far more people than just me." (I have very little patience for the "you can't invite us both to the same event!!!" kind of drama. Oh my dear, are you saying that he/she was abusive/stole from you/? No? So they behaved reasonably overall, but it was a breakup, and breakups suck and you'd prefer not to spend time around him/her? That's for the two of you to deal with. Not my problem, and I'm not going to edit my guest list because of it. </heartless>)

Lexica

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