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How do you ask a guy out?

How to Platonically Ask a Guy Out

  • There's a guy I'm interested in getting to know better as a friend (and it's strictly as a friend, because he has a girlfriend). But I have various concerns. A whole nor'easter worth of details inside. For the past month or so, I've been talking to this guy in an activity that I participate in. Initially, I had a crush on him and that's why I started talking to him. I found out that he had a girlfriend, who I've since met briefly a couple of times. She seems nice, even though we've only spoken to each other once. I've since gotten over him in that way. The guy and I have a few common interests in addition to the activity that we do, and we also live in the same neighborhood so I've bumped into him from time to time while running errands. He also seems like a nice guy and as far as I know, he doesn't mind me talking to him. I'm really socially awkward and also phenomenally bad at reading people, but he asks me questions, and his body language seems to check out. I'm still not entirely sure though, since I sometimes have a feeling (and my therapist seems to agree) based on certain mannerisms/things that he's said that he may be a little socially awkward himself. So, I think he's a nice guy, but it's entirely possible that he only comes off that way, but only really talks to me because he's just trying to be nice and/or he feels sorry for me. To get to the point: I'd like to get to know this guy a little better. He's nice (or seems to be), and we have a lot of the same interests, and I've never had a straight guy friend before and I'd like to change that. My therapist has told me about how hanging out with someone is the best way to get to know them, etc. But I'm wondering if it's too soon in the friendship to ask him to hang out, and then it's a catch-22: in order to get to know him better I need to hang out with him outside the activity, but in order to ask him to hang out I feel I need to know him better. But I literally do not know how to ask him to hang out. Like, I don't even know what to say. I don't even have his contact information. I have these cards that I give to people with my email address and phone number, and I'd like to give one to him as a precursor to asking him to hang. I've thought about then saying, "We should hang out," but my therapist says that sounds almost like a command and thinks I should say, "I'd like to hang out sometime." However, I think that sounds more like a date, and the idea of asking him that way makes me nervous. The fact that he has a girlfriend complicates things (or it may not-- I could be just overthinking this) because I don't know how to make it seem like it would be a platonic thing without basically saying it outright. I don't have a significant other that I can mention, nor do I want to make up one. I've heard horror stories about girlfriends not taking too kindly to their boyfriends having female friends and meeting up with them. Something like that happened to me while in high school and it kind of scared me off being friends with a guy with a girlfriend for a really long time. Also, I'm wondering if he may suspect that I had a crush on him-- I've been told by other people that sometimes I inadvertently give stuff like that away. What exactly they meant by that I do not know. What also complicates this is that after New Year's, there will be a change in the scheduling of our activity, so there is a possibility that after the holidays I'll see him less, and a greater chance that when I do see him he will be with his girlfriend. I do plan to tell him she can come and hang out with us, but I don't do well in groups of three in general-- I've found that in those situations, even platonic ones, there's usually a third wheel, and it's almost always me, so I don't want to be forced into inviting her. Therefore, I'd rather do it when he's alone. This is frustrating and anxiety inducing-- I've actually asked people (mostly girls) to hang out before with none of this, believe it or not. I want to hang out with him, but I'm scared that he'll say no or be mean or weird towards me in our activity. It sucks not being able to read people. It's also sad because then I feel like I'll never have a straight guy friend. What should I do, AskMe? How do I ask out a guy platonically?

  • Answer:

    This reads as bullshitty to me because the only way to do this on the up and up is invite him and his girlfriend to do something, but you've cut that option off. Also, you're just WAY overthinking this. He lives in your neighborhood, so you're going to see him around. It's not like after the schedule change happens one of you is moving to Guam or someplace equally remote! If you can't or won't accept him and his girlfriend as a package deal, this is not a relationship you should pursue. Sorry.

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It sounds like you have had past difficulties in navigating social relationships. Building a friendship with someone takes skill, but building a friendship with someone you have had a recent crush on - when there is the possibility of misconstrued signals between you, him, and his girlfriend, requires a whole 'nother level of skill. I think it would be better in the long run (and more likely to result in a mutually fulfilling friendship) to focus building your basic social skills and revisit building a friendship with your former crush after a few months of confidence in your new social skills

saucysault

Um....I honestly think you might be better off not pursuing this. You had a crush on him, and the only reason you say you don't any more is because he has a girlfriend. While I concur with you that that's usually a major buzzkill with me as well, I think hanging out with him more will only fuel the crush/bring it back again. You are not exactly 100% platonic about him or cool with hanging out as a threesome as is. And I do think that yes, it'll be obvious that you have a crush on him if it continues. The "I'm just here platonically hanging with a guy with a girlfriend" dance is hard enough to pull off if you actually ARE platonic, but...man, you're not really. You may want to have a straight guy friend, but I kinda think that you might want to try that with someone that you have never had crushy feelings on in the first place. Say hi to the fellow when you see him around the neighborhood and chat with him at group all you like, but I honestly can't think of a way you can "ask him out" without this getting weirder and more awkward and into crush territory right now.

jenfullmoon

Ask him if he and his girlfriend would like to hang out with you (and some friends maybe, just to make it even less date-like) at an activity. Gets the message across that you like him as a friend and if you like him, you'll probably like the girlfriend too.

xingcat

The girlfriend has to be included. They're together, they're a package, and if you don't like that package deal then you should find some other guy to be "friends" with. If three is awkward and that triggers your anxiety too much, go for a larger group -- invite both them and others. If you try to exclude the girlfriend, even if you use the word platonic, they're going to think (perhaps correctly?) that you want to get in his pants.

J. Wilson

Well, if you just had a crush on him, and you start to hang out with him one on one and that really goes well, the likelihood of you developing a crush on him again (or some crush like variant) seems pretty high. Complications will ensue. If you have to hang out with him, do it with his partner around. Otherwise you are likely to create complications for him in his relationships, and that is not being a friend to anyone. kind regards jcw

jcworth

The other two people being an established couple actually makes it much less likely that you will be a third wheel. These people are together, they see each other all the time, the chances of them being distracted by each other are slim. You'll be the new exciting one! "I want to spend time with you" can easily be read as platonic. "I want to spend time with you and it has to be alone" -- much harder. That's where your problem is. Spending some time with his girlfriend, even if it's not very comfortable for you, is just what you have to do to demonstrate that your intentions really are what they are.

ostro

There's no way to go straight from where you are, to hanging out with this guy sans girlfriend, without him and/or his girlfriend thinking you want to get in his pants. It's possible that you could get there VIA getting to know the girlfriend; which you've said sounds like too much hard work. I don't think you can avoid it though. How about finding something the three of you can do that doesn't involve much socialising (local comedy night? see a film?) so that you can get to know them together as a couple? Once you are more comfortable with her, you might find you're happy socialising with them both anyway.

emilyw

There's pretty much no way going forward, whether you've had, currently have, or have never had a crush on him, to attempt to spend more time with him without it being read as non-platonic interest. The fact that you've met the girlfriend and so know he has one would just up the "yes, she's a poacher" scale... and make the girlfriend less likely to want anything to do with you. If it were me and my partner... I'd want you to leave us the heck alone. **About the only time the whole guy/girl as friends doesn't come off as sketchy is when the friendship predates the relationship - and usually only works well when it goes clear back to at least high school, if not childhood, friends.

stormyteal

"Hey, with the scheduling change, we maybe might see each other less at #activity. Here's my contact details [hand over card] if you want to hang out; maybe do something with your girlfriend? I'd love to meet her."

DarlingBri

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