Help me find hope that things will get better

kbbbo, I'm 67 and as I read your story I'm reminded of two specific times in my life when it was a fact, not just my overreaction, that things all around me were collapsing at record speed and I was just spinning around trying to figure out how to stay upright and carry on, which wasn't working at all. Each time there were a whole string of deaths, close together, of people and animals I loved, an overwhelming awareness of how helpless I was to do anything to stop this terrible trend of loss, and no reason to expect it to change in the future; in fact, I couldn't help but nearly choke on fear that something would happen to the ones I cared about who were still left. The first time it happened I was in my early 20s and had a lot of family support (meaning others were also suffering the same loss and so we could help each other deal with it), but the second time it happened, that wasn't the case. I was the only one affected by these deaths and cancer diagnoses and psychological brutality directed at me in a nonstop, one-on-one manner by my mother, whom I had been caring for for six months after her near death from neglect and a gangrenous bowel. To top it all off, the expense of caring for her in Arizona meant I couldn't cover my own expenses in Washington State where I live, and I came home to bankruptcy and the loss of my mobile home and nearly everything in it. Then the IRS decided I owed them $5,000 for capital gains on the old house I'd sold to buy the mobile home. Oh - and I had been diagnosed just two years earlier with Parkinson's Disease and was still trying to adjust to that (and levodopa). I was 48 and completely lost and overwhelmed. And then, finally, suicidal - for the first time in my life. I put myself in the hospital psych unit because it was that or jump off a bridge. It was the best thing I ever did for me. I was so SAFE there - not even the IRS could touch me! And if anyone else died, I wasn't even told about it. It honestly only took maybe a week of that safe feeling - the feeling of not facing everything alone - that brought my head up into the clear air again. They did put me on medicine, which I needed, though it took several changes before we found the SSRI that worked, but they also didn't let me just pile everything together and bury myself in it - they made me pick it apart and deal with each thing indivicually. And they taught me how to make that work. I came out of there totally unashamed to have been a patient in a psych unit - just ever so grateful for the way they helped me when I was convinced that no one could. Your problems are real and they'd overwhelm anyone. I'm sorry to say so, but unless you're way stronger than I am, I doubt that you can get your sea legs under you by yourself - you do need to be on medicine that will keep you from emotional chaos and you need someone who will not just paddle along with you but will actually step up to the plate and show you how to handle this damn mess. Please get help - I'd seriously recommend inpatient treatment, but if your Mom relies on you such that you can't really do that, then go to the hospital and talk to them about getting into an intensive outpatient program. And know this - all this terrible stuff will eventually burn itself out and things will get back to normal - the kind of normal where death happens to those we love, but one at a time, here and there. Yeah. Good luck to you.

I know MeFi is always about recommending therapy, but we do it for a reason. It WORKS I'm happy it worked for you, but can we please, please stop asserting that therapy works for everyone. That's incredibly hurtful for people (like me and, I suspect, the OP) who have done therapy and done therapy and done therapy and not been helped by it. The most generous statistics for therapy show that it is effective for about 80% of people, which is great unless you are in the 20% it does not help. I've had multiple therapists tell me, after working with me for a long time and it was obvious to both of us that it was not helping, that while they are willing to keep trying, they do not feel further therapy would be helpful, that it would, in fact, be unethical not to inform me of this. If you've never had a good rapport with a therapist and given it a fair shake, obviously it is worth trying, but for god's sake, therapy does not always work any more than treatment for heart disease always works, even if you do all the "right" things. Kbbo, all I can say is, the fact that treatment hasn't worked so far isn't your fault, and don't ever let anyone try to convince you it is. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/21/health/21mind.html?_r=0 Consider possibly http://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/new-insights-into-treatment-resistant-depression-20101209891 or http://www.health.harvard.edu/fhg/updates/Complicated-grief.shtml. While you're at it, https://www.google.com/search?q=RICHARD+A.+FRIEDMAN%2C+M.D&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a; he's written a lot about psychiatry failing patients. One thing that strikes me about your post is that you do legitimately have a lot to be sad about. Everyone is different, but antidepressants seem easier to understand when depression is purely biochemical, as when someone says "everything in my life is going great, I have no idea why I feel so down."

Help me find hope that things will get better. You asked this question. So it says to me that you have hope inside yourself, enough to recognise that there is a better place you know you can get to, eventually. That shows the strength to want to change and that is powerful if you can use it. Even simply to know the desire is there should make you feel empowered that you can get through things. The details you mention are exhausting to even read about, so I can't imagine what it must be like to live it. Kudos for just even keeping your head above water. Tell yourself it, you are fighting! Focus on the desire that made you write this question. The will to work to something better. Focus on yourself, help yourself first and find someone to talk to, if that is your mother, brother, or girlfriend... don't carry it all alone, set it down with someone who will listen. Lastly I wanted to add that things will get better I'm sure, even though that sounds hollow now. At some point you'll turn a corner, it is inevitable. Best of luck with things. My answer is more about spirit than medical things, sorry if it comes across as glib or overly simplistic, That isn't how I intend it.

I'm really proud of you for getting on here and writing everything out. It's fantastic that you reached out. You have so much weight on your shoulders right now, and it's impressive that you're still doing your best. I really can't stress that enough-- this is wonderful, that you put this up here and that you're still working so hard to take care of yourself. I don't have much advice to give -- there's some great stuff here already -- but I wanted to say that I think there's hope. Just you posting this is a good sign, to me. On a more help-oriented note, I eventually had the most success with Lamictal/Lamotrigine. It worked for me where SSRIs did not. I'm bipolar, though, so nailing down a diagnosis really helped me to figure that out.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. You have an awful lot to deal with. A couple of ideas come to mind.... 1. Therapy. Are you in therapy, or are you just seeing a psychiatrist for medication? If not, please consider it. If your psychiatrist does not offer therapy, see if he can refer you to a psychologist (or find one on the psychologytoday.com website--they have good listings). 2. If this doesn't trigger your OCD, make a health binder to stay organized. When my father in law was undergoing treatment for cancer, we had a big binder that kept all the records of his care so we could stay on top of everything. Not only was it convenient, there was a psychological benefit of having a physical repository of all information in one place. It somehow made it seem more manageable. Some ideas for your binder: Make a meds list: Include each medicine you tried, any benefit, any negative effect, when you took it, and why you stopped taking it. Keep a diary to track your symptoms--note how much you slept, if you ate well, if you exercised, alcohol, caffeine, meds, any notable stressors or triggers, and how you felt. Take the binder to all appointments, and take notes during the appointment. 3. Stick to one doctor and one psychiatrist (and one therapist, if the psychiatrist does not also fill this role). This will help keep you organized and ensure better continuity of care. Good luck. I am sure others will have more advice for you.

Hi kbbbo, I am very, very sorry to hear how much you have been struggling for so many years now. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. I will relate a bit of my own story: it's taken me almost ten years to finally get a correct diagnosis for myself and I am still trying to find a medication combo that will work for me and not cause too many side effects. I have mild Aspergers' Syndrome with some ADD-inattentive-type aspects, MDD and GAD. It sucks and it takes a lot of time and concentrated effort to manage my issues in such a way that I can function. I have had a lot of personal tragedies in my life, similar situation with a grieving parent (mom died after a chronic illness), feeling isolated, family mostly dead or too far away, etc. It's really hard and can be incredibly lonely. I tried to soldier on for years with just an anti-depressant and "chinning up," because I thought I was doomed to live this way and just...suffer. And yeah, guess what doesn't work? Some things are beyond our ability to understand or cope with, and there's no shame in needing the help of a licensed, educated, trained professional. I am finally beginning to make progress and get the help I've needed, but I had to commit to regular therapy first. You've got a tangled-together knot of problems that a skilled therapist can help you work through, but it takes time. I couldn't tell from your question, but does your therapist know that you are essentially in crisis right now? Or are you not currently working with a therapist? I know MeFi is always about recommending therapy, but we do it for a reason. It WORKS. Sometimes you need to try a few therapists to find the find one. And then you need to stick with it, and more importantly, you need to let them help you. It will be hard, it will be ugly, it will hurt, it will make you miserable at times, but you really need to stick with it and try to work with them. If you care about yourself at all, you need to make a commitment to yourself that you will try new medications and stick with therapy, work on self-care, work on CBT skills, mindfulness work, etc. You deserve to feel so much better than how you do right now. Health anxiety is something that a good therapist can help you work with, too. I totally understand where you are coming from about the side effects, but none of us are going to tell you, "Yeah, you can totally avoid the meds if you just try hard enough to think positive and not be so anxious." Eventually you will find the right combination of meds that will work for you. You need to work with a *good* psychiatrist who specializes in treating your particular conditions, and not be trying to get these meds from your GP with no additional support framework. You could always check with your closest research university to see if they have a clinic specializing in anxiety disorders if you feel that you prefer a more specialized or academic approach to managing your disorder. If you have a place to stay right now and have health insurance that will cover it, and/or can access a program with a sliding-scale, you might want to look into a partial hospitalization or intensive outpatient program. It might be what you need right now, but that decision would be between you and your mental health professional(s). If you want to get some ideas about what a PH program is like, there a few threads here on the green that discuss it. I think your level of anxiety and depression sounds like it is at a critical mass, and the longer you put off getting effective treatment, the worse you will feel and the more you will alienate the people who love and care about you. As a random person from the Internet who cares, please tell your therapist ASAP on Monday how frantic you are feeling. I have a tendency to self-protect and minimize, and guess what, that doesn't allow them to effectively help you! You need to tell them that you are having suicidal ideation, panic attacks, persistent anhedonia, dulled affect, that it is affecting your personal relationships, etc. If you are downplaying your symptoms, they can't help you if they don't know about it, y'know? Lastly, if you haven't already, check into any agencies, groups, or centers in your area for grief support. You've been through a lot and not being able to acknowledge or express that, and not getting any support for it, might be driving a lot of your anxiety and depression, even the health anxiety. (Let me also add, IANYT and TINMA.) If you want to send me a MeMail, I will be glad to talk further if you need some additional support over the weekend. *hugs* Take care of yourself and don't be afraid to ask for help. It's okay. You can do this!

I thought of something else I wanted to add. Would your girlfriend or brother be willing to help you with some things, like just being there to call your therapist, help you perhaps organize some medical records, help you look for a grief support group, etc? Sometimes when you're stuck in the web of misery and anxiety like you are now, it's really hard to just focus on what the next step could be. Just having someone to help you take the first step might relieve some of the pressure you feel right now to fix everything all at once.

Hi kbbbo, ditto what ouisch says about 'unrelenting crisis.' Another way to phrase this is how your brain can get stuck in a loop that says disaster is right around the corner, and this circuit becomes a self-perpetuating circuit between your brain and your body. It can seem as if your mood and your thoughts support this conclusion and your filter on your reality also seems to reflect this. Rather than write out a long post, if you MeMail me I'll send you my prescription for myself that addresses the spirit, mind and body. I think that is a useful metaphor for the different areas that need support. Mindfulness - spirit, cognitive behavior therapy - mind, diet/nutrition + exercise - body...that's an example of some of the items in my formula for me. The problem is how to get leverage on these areas of your life in a positive way and not beat yourself up with an negative emotion stick while you are in the process of changing to a more successful mode. I have a list of stuff I do for myself to keep out of the darkness of despair and stay if not happy, then content and productive most of the time. Glad to share that with you if it would be useful. Personally, I look for leverage and tools I can utilize now. I feel therapists and doctors come with a bias towards creating dependency. However, I don't have the range of stuff on my plate that you do. By all means reach out for support from qualified people and take anything you get from the Internet with a grain of sale.

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time of it. I've been there as well and tried much therapy and meds without any improvement either. I don't know if something like this would help you but I did a 12-step program for dysfunctional families (ACA adult children of alcoholics which isn't just for people from alcoholic homes as I am not) and for the first time I found some help and hope. So, some sort of support group or 12-step group is something you may want to consider. DBT might be good as was suggested. I really liked the simplicity of 12-step programs and being with others and hearing their stories made a big difference in knowing I was not alone. Many people had years of recovery and it was so encouraging to hear them share. Just being around others on their journey to find hope really helped me to not feel so alone. Another thing you may want to also consider is keeping a gratitude journal. This is just a list of 3 things each day that you are grateful for and they can be as small as the wonderful aroma of your morning coffee to as big as a promotion. How this helps is it gets you out of focusing on everything going wrong in life. It creates a shift in your thinking and now you are paying attention to what is going right and starting to focus on that and even looking for it. I admit I'm not very consistent with doing it yet but as someone who can get sucked into the negativity of life easily it does help when I do it. Actually, I think the fact that you are crying lately is good. You have to grieve your losses and get that sadness out of you. Joining a bereavement group is another option. I find journaling helps a lot as well. I don't know if anything I've suggested will help you but those are all things that did work for me when therapy and meds didn't. I do hope you find something that does help. Sometimes life is just about throwing the spaghetti against the wall until it finally sticks. May you find your spaghetti!