How to not live in the suburbs.

I don't know what city you're talking about, but most cities have neighborhoods that are quasi-suburban (in terms of having residential streets, houses, etc) but still part of the city (walkable shops, restaurants, etc.). For example, you might find a funky neighborhood where you'd rent part of a row house and still have a little yard. To me, this would be a compromise between a the typical suburban house and a totally urban apartment with no yard and no distinction between residential and commercial zoning on the street. I know it's not exactly what your husband idealizes, but maybe he can see it as a compromise.

Could you rent out your current house and move back to the city temporarily until you are ready to start a family? If you could afford to buy a place in the city then you could have an investment property in the future when you move back to the suburbs.

There actually are 2 or 3 great neighborhoods like this where we would both agree to live but the available houses/condos/townhomes are way, way out of our price range. Maybe one day... If it's really true that the only neighborhoods in your city where people tend to raise children are way out of your price range, you might want to think about how realistic it actually is to relocate. Especially if the only way it would be affordable is to downgrade your standard of living. Which might be why your husband hates every apartment you look at. I'd be bummed, too, if my spouse wanted us to move to a smaller, crappier home in a bad school district where our kids wouldn't even have friends to play with, AND we'd be paying more for the privilege. And I'm all for urban living and raising kids in the city.

Over half of our (not that big) house is empty, and it is creepy and uncomfortable. Yet, I have no desire to fill it: I hate shopping, I hate stuff, and I hate decorating. I also hate cooking (and so does my husband), which means that our beautiful kitchen is basically an unused showpiece. We are also both totally uninterested in making the house look nice on the outside. The grass is cut but there are no flowers, and no homey touches. I guess this would all be fine if I didn't mind looking at an undecorated empty house, but I can't stand it. Yet, I would never, ever want to spend my free time gardening or decorating (and I don't want to spend money to pay someone to do it either -- I'd rather go on a trip or two). I long for the days of a 600 sq ft apartment with fully functional space and not an inch to spare. In those days, I felt like the city was my home, and my apartment was just a place that held my clothes. I still treat my house like that, but it isn't working. This doesn't sound like a problem with the suburbs at all, but with the specific house you've chosen. You'd probably have the exact same problems with a big apartment. Why not live in a smaller, more practical house with a small yard? That being said . . . look, I'm a country mouse and happily live in a rural/suburban area. But when my husband and I first moved into our apartment, I refused to decorate it because I assumed it would be temporary until we bought a house. Three years later, and it hasn't really been financially feasible. I hated our apartment, inside and out. Until I finally budged and started treating it like a home. I spent a small amount of money on some furniture, started cleaning and reorganizing, and within a few weeks had an apartment I loved. Now I don't mind hanging out here until we actually can afford our own house. A home--apartment, house--will never feel that way until you start treating it like one and your refusal to spend a few weekends making this some place you're actually comfortable with is just going to compound your misery. You don't need to be Martha Stewart, constantly decorating and rearranging furniture, to make this a place you are happy. You don't need to be a typical suburban mom; your husband does not need to be Mr. Happy Homemaker either. But as I've moved into my thirties, I've noticed that everyone--including my Brooklyn-dwelling friends--are taking some pride in place and no longer using their apartments as transient closets. So I think that actually putting some effort into your current space, rather than digging your heels in and refusing to even really try when you know the undecorated space is actually making you miserable, is a worthwhile expenditure of your time. Even if you and your husband decide to move out to the city, a place you like to live in the meanwhile is worth it. Trust me.

Does your city have any neighborhoods with single-family houses? If you explore outside the downtown business district, you might be able to find a house that has some of the things that match your husband's vision (house, yard) while still being a lot closer to some of the things you love in the city. A smaller freestanding house or townhouse seems like a possible compromise between your current suburban house and your ideal one-bedroom apartment. Do you have any friends or co-workers with children who live in the city? Where and how do they live? Can you and your husband take any inspiration from them?

I hate the suburbs too, and I have two young children. I don't know what I would have done in the early days of I hadn't had access to cheap takeout and delivery, and the ability to interact with people just by walking out the door. However, once my daughter was two, I started valuing things like a yard, good public schools, and cheap preschools. When they're no longer napping every 2 hours, packing up and driving to the playground doesn't seem as terrible. Which is my way of saying that your husband is right; there are benefits to being in the suburbs. But babies? Babies are so much easier in a community with walkable amenities. So compromise. Rent your house out, and get a 2-bedroom apartment. Have a baby, and see how you feel when it starts toddling around and becomes a menace. There's no need to commit to one or the other permanently.

I agree with Miko and like_a_friend and will add: 1) if you're not maintaining the outside of your home and live in a half-way decent neighbourhood, you're being crappy neighbours 2) if neither of you are actually doing yard work/home decorating/cooking etc... why (and who?) does he think is going to magically start doing this when there's a baby too? Kids add more work - not less - and you're already not doing anything superfluous. He needs to start mowing the lawn and decorating the house and cooking regularly before you have kids (or make it clear he's expecting you to do this! in which case = counseling). Kids live in cities all over the world - it's fine. We're planning on starting to try in December, and we (both from suburban upbringings) just moved closer into the city to a more urban neighbourhood on purpose. I nannied and babysat in the Bay Area for years... feel free to memail me any Q's you or he have about kids in cities! Also - part of the problem might be stigma. In NYC everyone lives in apartments and has kids anyway, and turns their closet into a nursery etc... where I grew up only poor refuge families lived in apartments. Maybe what he means is that in the area you live in now, families live in the suburbs. He may just need to not feel like an outlier - so finding a handful of other young families in the city, or finding a small city nearby that has that demographic could go a long way. Try going to city/urban farmers markets, and see which ones have lots of babies at them! I also agree that there's a big difference between a high-rise crappy apartment with basement laundry, and a nice townhouse. We found an art-deco fourplex with a yard; our living room looks out over the yard and the laundry's outside but *right there*. It feels more like a small house, less like your typical apartment. We don't have to maintain a yard, but kids could play outside and we can still get take out, and all our neighbours are in the same young-family thirty-something over-educated creative professional demographic - we all sort of validate each other. I still would never live in an apartment in my hometown - it's a different demographic, different stigma, etc...

Five years is a long time, and children can really change how you feel about space, gardens, and eating at home. This is not a decision you have to make today. But it sounds like you really do value urban amenities - have you and your husband thought of unloading the house (as a rental or simply selling it) to live in the city until you do have children? Then, when you do have a child, you can re-evaluate where is the best community for your family to live. It may be that you need to live in a different city that has walkable neighborhoods of single family housing.

So the two main reasons you give for wanting to move back to the city are -- Living space: suburban house is too big, hate taking care of it -- Transport: hate driving around, miss walking places The thing is, that these are the two aspects of your life that are most likely to change (regardless of where you live) when you have kids. Having kids means boatloads more stuff to curate, more (and different) activities taking place at home and outside, and likely a bigger living space to fit everything in. Having kids means a lot more stuff to lug around, different destinations to lug it to, and a consequent rethinking of modes of transport. You write, My personal theory is that he is trying to make us the traditional suburban family that he'd like us to be, instead of embracing the people that we actually are. but assuming you're both on the same page with having kids, then "the people that [you] actually are" w/r/t living space and transport actually is going to change, big-time, when kids come along. Now, you may change to a family who's still not suited to country life, and who'd thrive in a city. But you might also change to the "traditional suburban family" your husband seems to be envisioning. Since you don't know, and since you're financially invested in your current situation, then if there will indeed be children in the medium-term, it probably makes sense to do any moving on a provisional basis (like renting the house instead of selling it, or just getting a weekend place in the city, etc.). And plan on reassessing later, when you've got a clearer picture of what your long-term needs will be.