College student son depressed and unmotivated.

we don’t want him to just drop out without some sort of plan. And what sort of plan would this be? Plenty of kids go to school, muddle through, graduate, and still don't have any sort of plan. Hell, I went to school (a great school), did fine, and graduated without any sort of plan. College isn't some kind of magic plan-creating machine. For what it's worth, my little brother dropped out of college when he was about 20. He wasn't doing well in his classes, he had no idea what he wanted to do, he was angry a lot (he's always been an emotional kid), and he felt like just being there was wasting our parents' tuition money. My parents said he could come back home and live with them as long as he contributed, but he didn't want to move home. I'm gonna be honest--he struggled. For a while. Worked a bunch of shit jobs, didn't work, had some personal problems, etc. But now (about 4-5 years on) he is one of the most responsible, hardworking grown up people I know. Never went back to school, but he's got a job that he loves (blue collar, but it suits him) and he's supporting himself, so who cares? Everybody's different. Not everyone is magically ready for college as soon as the turn 18. Not everyone is suited for college, period. I'm sure my parents never planned for my brother to be a college dropout who works in a warehouse, but my brother is fucking happy, and that's enough. I guess my point is just to set some basic expectations (e.g. "you need to be able to support yourself, so even if you move back home you need to find some form of employment") and let the rest fall where it may. It might take him a while, but as long as he's making an effort to contribute and be responsible, let the kid find his own path.

I think it's way deeper than that and that you and your son are talking at cross-purposes. He transferred to a school to be closer to home- you are trying to promote study abroad programs. Obviously that's not what he wants. He comes home for support, it's an inconvenience because you have better things to do...that's harsh, he's an adult and all that but he is crying out for support and not receiving it. I also think it was very undermining of you to call his therapist. I think maybe going to therapy together would help as it sounds like he has many anger issues from the past. It sounds more complicated and deeper than just 'let him drop out but make sure he pays rent'.

If I could favorite griphus' comment a billion times I could. People like to hammer the "find your bliss!" "you can do anything if you set your mind to it!" bullshit into teens all the time. Probably the single most useful realization of my adulthood was that a boring, unfulfilling job was simply the means with which to get money to fund the fulfilling things you do outside of work hours. Like, it's great if you happen to be the 1 in every 300,000 folks who is wildly successful working their dream job. But it's just not realistic. And that's OK. Rent and food come first. Then you can see about that bliss.

My mother has always told me how much she wishes she'd been allowed to take a year off before college. She simply wasn't ready and had no idea what she wanted to do, and she feels in retrospect that she might have had a more interesting career if allowed to make that choice, rather than being required to just power through with no clear goal.

as his parents we don’t want him to just drop out without some sort of plan. lasamana, I totally get where you are coming from, but man.... I watched my parents do this to my brother when he was 19 and it didn't turn out well. What they should have done - and what you might consider - is to support his decision to drop out and not make him feel like a loser for not listening to your advice. For his sake and for yours, tell him whatever he decides to do is OK and that you'll support him all the way without any judgement or recrimination.

It sounds like he's not ready for college. That doesn't mean he won't ever be ready for college, but leaving your friends and family when you're still emotionally and physiologically a teenager is hard. If he's going to move back home, I'd ask that he gets a job and contributes to the household. Being in the workplace will probably be good for him. And seriously, trust that he'll figure it out eventually, but forcing his hand isn't going to help with school if it's not right for him at this juncture in time.

It might help you to know how incredibly common this is. Colleges don't like to trumpet the statistics, but many of them have extremely low http://colleges.usnews.rankingsandreviews.com/best-colleges/rankings/national-universities/freshmen-least-most-likely-return/page+11, and fullyhttp://www.usnews.com/education/articles/2009/08/19/dropouts-loom-large-for-schools. But many of them go on to pursue their education later and complete college. I'm one of them - I dropped out after my freshman year at a large state university, moved home, worked, and went to community college, then transferred to and graduated from a (much better) liberal arts college. This is by no means the end of the world. First, your job now is to listen to your son. He is really in need right now, and he's being honest with you about it. How fortunate for you to have this opportunity to help him, rather than have him suffer in isolation while he wastes time and money in a program he doesn't want to be in. This kid was always the "good" kid. He was very responsible almost in hindsight too responsible for his brothers. So he probably also feels a strong sense of guilt for disappointing you, and is worried that you will reject/be angry/think less of him for not being able to get through this year. It took a lot of courage for him to come to you for assistance. The first thing he needs is probably some rest and help. The therapy appointments are a priority. I also agree that he needs to get engaged in something. But please, both you and he should be thinking on the shorter term right now. Job one is to get him feeling stabalized and mentally healthy. He doesn't need "a plan" right now if "a plan" means a life plan, a college plan, a major, a career plan. What he needs is a plan to get through the next year or so to become more secure with himself as an adult making choices. He isn't feeling secure about it right now - not ready to make the choices, not ready to understand and meet the expectations of college, not able to see the intrinsically motivating goal of what college is. What I did in this position was, first, worked at a summer camp I'd been working at for several years. It was a good place to return to, a place where I felt capable and supported. Then in the fall, I moved back home, got a job at a newspaper and started attending community college. I also started volunteering with a local kids' theatre group to get more teaching experience, and helped them put on events. Great experience. I was busy, but had a good environment at home that let me start to get a full understanding of what college and working life were, and what I wanted out of them, before spending thousands and thousands more dollars and casting myself into a very isolating and unrewarding environment (which college can be when you don't want to be there). By the time I completed my AA degree, I applied to 4-year-colleges knowing exactly what I wanted to do and knowing I would be successful at it. I needed a couple more years to mature. It worked out beautifully, and I'm grateful to my parents for being understanding enough to provide the additional 18 months of shelter and support while I got my act together. A deal is a good idea. I didn't pay rent, but I did contribute to groceries and did a lot of the housework while I lived at home. The idea that everyone, at age 18, is ready to leave the nest and fly on their own is just no longer true. College isn't a perfectly designed environment, and not everyone is well equipped to just jump into that transition with little or no real psychological/emotional preparation. Which is fine; it's fair to really question the assumption that they should be. Most kids in college are pretty much spinning their wheels anyway - I tend to think we send people to it much too early for them to have the faintest clue what they should be doing there, or what they want to do with their Some people are going to need more time to adjust, and to be healthy they need the support of their families. I think pressure is the wrong thing to apply - but support is the right thing. Help him stay organized with the therapy, and sit down open-mindedly to talk through a short-term plan for the next year or so. It's likely that he'll want to try school again, but not before he has some concrete goals for things he wants to do and be, and can see that school is the route to get to them. I'm afraid parenting doesn't end at 18. It's hard, but this may be a time your son needs to rely on you even more than when he was younger. It's a little wobble before takeoff, but being supportive now can really pay off in the long run. Help him build his own structure, not just slack around, but also offer patience.

Thank you all for commenting - I've been reading your answers during the day and I realize I'm projecting my own fears and BS onto him and it's unfair. He is a lovely person who is his own person and we need to realize it. I have found him harder to parent then my other kids in part because he is more sensitive and I'm more then occasionally like a bull in the china shop - just bulldozing my way through. bquarters you're very right (it was just a little harsh) - I have been talking at an opposite purpose from him. He really does need to have my support and I have been trying to push him out in the real world. I called his therapist in part because my husband and I were both so worried about the crying and how he seemed emotionally fragile. It's hard to hear your child in so much pain. I'm sorry but I would do it again, he's my kid whom I love. I really thank you for showing me he needs support and freedom at the same time and his life is his to do with.

Having a life plan is not treatment for depression. Treating depression is a necessary thing to getting a life plan. If he's going to move home or something, I'd say that yes, you should expect him to be doing something, but by "something", maybe at first you just look at "making an appointment with a psychiatrist or GP about meds and continuing to go to therapy". Then transition towards getting a job, any job. Then towards thinking about what he wants to do for the rest of his life. Baby steps are very, very important with depression, and as much as a lot of people want to deliver a Kick In The Ass at times like that, they're rarely very useful. If you have the resources to help, here, help; obviously if you don't really have the resources then that's another story entirely, but it sounds like that part isn't a problem. He's nineteen. He still is a kid in a lot of ways. A lot of people really aren't ready to make lifetime decisions about careers when they hit college, and a lot of those people still turn out fine. It really sounds like you've been putting a fair amount of pressure on him to have all these things figured out already, like changing majors is a big thing that indicates his lack of stability, and even before throwing in depression this sort of uncertainty is entirely normal. Seeing the world is a great idea, but it's harrowing when you barely know how to handle getting out of bed in the morning. Finally, yes, please, avoid contacting his therapists and other doctors unless you have some indication that he is going to harm himself or someone else.