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How can I get my Mom to stop saying inappropriate things to me?

  • How can I get my Mom to stop saying inappropriate things to me? My Mom has said on done inappropriate things in front of my my entire life. When I was nine or ten she used to say things about sex in front of me. I remember one time when I was about eight her receiving oral sex from my dad while I was sleep on one end of the couch and she was on the other. Obviously with all the activity going on I woke up but pretended to still be asleep. It wasn't until years later I realized how inappropriate that was to do in front of a child that was the age I was.Fast forward a few years later at twelve I remember one time her saying that some guy was hot and then saying she got wet and getting tissue and actually wiping down there in front of me.Now that I'm an adult it seems to be getting worse, if it's possible. She has repeatedly talked to me about her masturbating and how sometimes it's been better then sex. And just the other day I was talking to her about how I had this teacher that all the girls liked and I wonder was he still teaching and she started asking me did he make me wet.I told her I'm tired of her saying things like that to me and then she tries to make the situation better by saying that's the way she think about men and that she saw Obama on TV and that she just wanted to lick him all over and his face and I started crying. I know it sounds immature but this has been getting so bad recently and I don't know what to say to get her to stop. She was sexually abused by her Dad when she was a little girl. I don't know anything about it other than that because she has never talked about it but, I've been wondering for the past few days if that has anything to do with how she acts. I'm just so tired of it. How can I make her stop?

  • Answer:

    Ugh, how awful. Unfortunately, you can't make anyone do anything, most especially, you can't make your parents stop doing the crappy shit they've been doing to you your whole life. You can: 1) Limit your time with her. Decide before you visit/pick up the phone how long you will talk and hold yourself to that. If it' helps, make sure you have somewhere you have to be after. You have the option to tell her why you are doing this or not, but you are in charge of your time and you have the right to stop talking to her no matter how she feels or reacts to that. 2) Make boundaries and limits with her. Saying things like, "Mom, I don't want you talk to me about your sexual feelings or sex life. It feels very uncomfortable and I don't like it." You don't have to engage further after that, and if you do, it may just encourage her or cause a fight, but it is unlikely to convince her. With time though, she may grow more accustomed to this boundary. 3) Talk to others about this to gain a sense of perspective and sanity. Posting this question is one way. Talking to a trained therapist would be a really, really good way. You grew up with someone with crazy, inappropriate boundaries. It's likely you have an unclear sense of what is "OK" from people close to you because of that. Hearing from others will help you establish a set of normal behaviors to expect from your relationships. By the way, you do not sound immature. I would cry in that situation too. It's a very powerless, overwhelming bad feeling that must feel very familiar from your childhood and you are having a very understandable, sane, mature reaction.

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How old are you? If you are a minor and still living at home, please contact a family doctor or school counselor. What your mom is doing is not ok. You cannot stop her, but you can take steps to protect yourself.

snickerdoodle

Stop talking to her the moment she says something like this. "Mom, I told you I don't want to hear that sort of thing from you, and every time you talk like that, I will end the conversation." Repeat this until she learns. If she doesn't learn to be appropriate, you might consider whether your mother has a mental illness and cannot help herself. If that's the case, the best you can do is just extract yourself from any of this type of conversation.

xingcat

Another thing to consider when you set boundaries with her is to realize that you won't be able to get her to see things from your perspective. Your best tactic is to tell her that her talking about sex makes you uncomfortable, and that you want her to stop. She doesn't have to agree with you or understand why you are uncomfortable, but maybe you can convince her to do it because she loves you and you made the request.

radioamy

If you have the time to, please http://mentalpod.com/DrZucker-1-podcast. It's an interview with a therapist, but the interviewer winds up talking about the abuse he suffered from his mother, and it sounds completely, exactly the same as what you are going through. I think it will help you, at least in realizing that this is NOT ok and that it's more common than people think.

showbiz_liz

Not a professional in anyway, but if her own father had such bad boundaries he sexually abused her, your mother just might really understand where the boundaries are when talking to her own daughter as she never saw healthy examples of what was right and wrong from her own parents. That's not to say you need to put up with what she is doing. Jacen gives very good advice, you need to set up boundaries for yourself and stick to them. You don't have to be mean or angry when you do it, just firm. Just say "No that is not appropriate, it makes me uncomfortable please stop talking about that" and then be willing to leave the room, house or whatever if she keeps talking about it.

wwax

Thank you for all of the responses.I haven’t implemented any of the advice given here yet because I certainly don’t want to bring of sex with her out of the blue but it will come up again with something I am talking about sooner or later. I listened to the entire podcast that was mentioned and I enjoyed it and I plan on listening to other episodes of this podcast.The person that said that I probably don’t know what’s ok from other people was right and it was admittedly very painful to read that someone could perceive that from this situation.I am not a minor as I said in the main post I am very much an adult over the age of twenty one. I have to say that I was surprised at the responses and felt like people we’re going to think I was over reacted and this was semi normal behavior.It hasn’t been until the last several months to year that I’ve thought this behavior was wrong and borderline sexual abuse.I’ve always just thought my Mom was kind of crazy,eccentric just being herself or whatever other excuse I gave her.I plan on updating this thread whenever this comes up again about what happened.Thanks again.

sundaytea

She has incredibly poor boundaries. Thus, you need to be the one to set the boundaries- AND enforce them. State them clearly- Mom, you cant do X. I will, sadly, have to not talk to you or not be around you if you do X. Then, you do have to follow through with the consequences and stick to them. And yeah, to armchair diagnose (which is bad, so don;t do it) its distinctly possible her actions are related to her dads actions.

Jacen

This is not a boundaries issue. This is an abuse issue. If you want to keep talking to her (and it's entirely fine if you don't) you need to present an ultimatum: "This behavior ends any conversation, ends any interaction; phone, in person, online. continued behavior of this kind ends all contact between us."

French Fry

Nthing that this is a form of abuse; if you are a minor at home, please contact a trusted adult, such as a teacher, counselor, or doctor. If you're an adult, I agree with all the advice about drawing very firm boundaries with your mom. I'd also strongly advise you to seek out therapy -- not because you've done anything wrong or are immature (because you haven't and you aren't), but because therapy can help you understand how this sort of extreme behavior has affected you, and also can help you in carrying out a strategy for setting boundaries and detaching from your mother as necessary. You can't make your mom do anything, but you do have some options to help yourself. I wish you all the best.

scody

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