How badly have I screwed this up? Impotence, steroids and adoption.

IAAD. IANYD. Since you didn't mention the steroids, your docotr is probably concerned about the possibility that you have an androgen-secreting tumor or you are taking a contaminated supplement. You should tell him, even "off the record" or you may find yourself heading down an unpleasant rabbit hole of unnecessary tests. Tell him you didn't realize what the side effects would be, which you didn't. I cannot answer your question about adoption. The US forms I've filled out ask for a basic physical exam and then some vague questions about whether the prospective parent has "any conditions" that would prevent him/her from being a good parent. I would think long and honestly about whether your self-esteem and masculinity issues would get in the way of your ability to be the parent you would like to be. You only have to read this board for a few days to see how parents' hang ups about body image result in problems for their children. Is that worse or better than whatever living situation the child would have otherwise? I cannot answer that. But it's a question you should ask yourself. Here is an actual piece of medical advice: stop the steroids. Their long term effects are well documented and unpleasant. Find some other way to feel good about yourself.

Lying to your doctor is pretty much the same brand of foolishness as lying to your lawyer. Don't do that. Instead, have a straightforward conversation with your doctor about the way your right to confidentiality is going to get balanced against the adoption panel's right to accurate and relevant information. The most likely outcome of that conversation, in the opinion of this particular random Internet adviser, is that you'll find you have less to worry about than you thought. Even if that's wrong, at least you'll be able to proceed on the basis of actual information as opposed to wild and anxious speculation.

You have not done anything illegal. I cannot see how your ability/inability to maintain an erection is relevant to your adoptive parenting abilities. I would guess that the adoption health exam would be for the purposes of determining if you have any communicative disease which might affect the child and/or any conditions which might limit your physical ability to parent, including life-ending conditions. I would answer your physician's questions honestly. Lack of honesty may affect your chances of adopting.

I suspect your doctor knows the score and wants a frank, off the record conversation with you (hence asking you to come in person). I would do a little research about what adoption panels are looking for, specifically. I would guess this is pretty easily googled and there are probably lots of online, UK-based adoption forums that discuss this. With some knowledge in hand, I would go to your doctor (who, remember, already probably knows the score) and just be honest. "I took two rounds of steroids because I wanted more muscle mass." Gauge how your doctor reacts, but just probably just be clear about your situation. "My partner and I are trying to adopt. I don't see how this effects the adoption. I'm sharing this information with you in confidence, I hope you won't include this in your report to the adoption agency given that it doesn't impact my ability to parent." If your doctor is not amenable to this plan, I would ask about a specific plan of what would make the doc comfortable giving you a "clean" recommendation. Ie: "How long would you need to see me off steroids before you wrote a clean bill of health for me?" and then make a plan to follow up when you've met the expectations of that plan. I would also tell your partner, given that he might find out because of this whole situation, but you do seem pretty committed to not telling him. I wouldn't do steroids anymore either. But in the scheme of things I don't think moderate use is the worst thing ever health wise. Hopefully your doc is on board with this.

Do you think that your husband finding out about your steroid use would threaten the relationship? If you are pursuing adoption as a couple, then that secret between you seems like even more of a ticking time bomb than the steroid use alone. However difficult or intense the consequences you fear of sharing your secret with your husband, the stakes will only be higher if you are sharing responsibility for a child. So I suggest to you that in fact your steroid use, and definitely the furtive nature of it, *is* relevant to the peace and stability of the home you will be able to provide for a child. In any case it does sound like a good idea to speak with a lawyer before you speak with the doctor, to have a better understanding of the adoption process and what specifically your doctor will be expected to speak to. I don't see how your doctor can give you proper medical care without knowing about the substances you're using, and it seems to me that undertaking a course of improper medical care is also not a good idea for a parent soon to be responsible for a whole other life. So basically what I'm saying is it might be time to give your inner muscles, your heart, courage, and integrity, as much attention as you have been giving your outward muscles. They are definitely more important to your future children.

http://ask.metafilter.com/247785/How-badly-have-I-screwed-this-up-Impotence-steroids-and-adoption#3599034: "I would come clean - at this point I don't think you have much of a choice. I don't know what the adoption panel is looking for, but I would say your body image issues - of which you are self aware - are not any worse than the typical problems women suffer from with their own body image issues, and I don't think those issues are culturally associated with unfit parenting to a great degree." A woman taking off-label medication to assuage those body image issues, particularly ones with unintended consequences (hormonally and the whole 'roid rage' thing) would probably come under greater scrutiny by an adoption agency, one would assume. Even though the use is not illegal in the UK, the use of them for cosmetic reasons and not under a doctor's guidance does not really bode well. What you are looking for here is yet another easy way out that saves face. There is none that does justice to you, your partner and your future children. You can totally hide it from your doctor, swear you'll never inject again, lie about your medical history (physical and psychological) and continue lying to your partner. Those are all things you can do. But none of them solve the problem you are faced with.

From the OP:Thank you all for your advice. I did come clean to my doctor. Medically he thinks I'll be fine. He did point out that they are controlled drugs. He also said as far as he was concerned it was all ancient history and didn't need mentioning in any medical report.

I would come clean - at this point I don't think you have much of a choice. I don't know what the adoption panel is looking for, but I would say your body image issues - of which you are self aware - are not any worse than the typical problems women suffer from with their own body image issues, and I don't think those issues are culturally associated with unfit parenting to a great degree.

You really need to speak to an adoption law attorney about this. I could tell you about the very non-detailed medical writeup my GP had to do for our US-based adoption but what good would that do you? Exact home study requirements vary by state here in the US so they will certainly vary from where you are. I'd calm down about it and not stress, if for no other reason than that there's nothing you can do about it at this point. If steroid use is legal and you haven't harmed yourself in any way then there's no reason to be concerned. I'd wager that your worst-case is you have to explain why you'd use them. But you need to consult an attorney about it. How you'll do that while keeping this a secret from your partner, particularly if it ends up on an official document, I have no idea.