How do I communicate what I want when I'm not even sure what that is?

And yes, I know I sound like a 20-something. Help me grow up! Here's a grownup thing to do: "Dean, I've been having a lot of fun with you, but it seems like you want a really casual thing, while I'm looking for someone to date more seriously. I'd like that someone to be you. Would you be interested in giving it a try?"

You know, really a whole lot of people have "just known" at the very beginning of their relationship and they'll tell you proudly years later that they knew the moment they met him/her that this was their future spouse. What they don't mention is that they thought this every time they met someone new, so one day the odds were bound to catch up with them and they would be proved right in their prediction. That doesn't mean it's right or wrong to gush starting at day 1, and in fact, in my opinion, it helps a lot to have that gushy time because when you run into the inevitable bumps in the road, it's good to have those great feelings to think back on. But emotions are really unreliable advisers. Now me, I'm generally just really relaxed about the progression of things. And frankly, that has worked out really well for me. I know that it's easy to get really OCD about what is this where are we going what does it mean if you do/don't call me what do you think I meant by having sex with you blah blah blah. (I've said here before that I don't have any issues about sex. My friends are all, "I won't have sex with someone until I get to know them" and I'm like, "How do I know you if I haven't had sex with you?") For me, the answer is to notice that my mind is going out of control and see that as amusing. It teaches me about the nature of my mind. In fact, when I feel most stressed or like I need an answer immediately, it's a really good sign that I'm overthinking something or overinvested in a particular outcome, and for my mental health and the enjoyment of those around me, I need to just take a deep breath and step back a few paces. Not from the guy -- from my somewhat obsessive thinking. He may not know what he wants. That's fair. You don't know what you want, except you know you enjoy having sex with him. Right on! Go for it! Take appropriate precautions, of course, but have fun! I don't see that there have been any red flags yet. For comparison purposes, I picked my boyfriend up at a bar and took him home with me the night we met (i.e., some people say "no sex on the first date" and I say "why wait for a first date?" LOL). We've been together ever since, five years now, but he effectively stood me up on the first date we planned, which told me a few things, most importantly that he gets really caught up in work and will forget to call, so I now make sure to remind him periodically of plans that we've made so that he doesn't make other plans on top (which he will). Also, he didn't say "I love you" for four years. I said it a time or two before then, first time was over two years in, but when he did not respond in kind, I would shelve it for months and months. But it was fine with me because he certainly treated me like he loved me. So I guess the tl;dr version here is: cultivate "don't know" mind. Let happen what happens without overanalyzing, and if something feels really uncomfortable say "this feels uncomfortable, I need to back away now", but if it's just you trying to predict the future, notice what you're doing, realize that no one can predict the future, and watch it unfold as it will.

I don't know if this is worth mentioning since I don't know if Dean is one of them (for your sake I hope he's not), but there is a certain subspecies of guy who is sincerely looking for a relationship, but who does not believe that a serious relationship should start with sex too early. So, he starts out by pursuing hard, and very romantically, but if the sex comes too "easily," he decides the budding romance can't be the real thing, gets cold feet and backs out. He's not a "player" exactly, because he believes what he's saying about looking for something real, and when he says he's really into you (before you sleep together) he means it...which is why the eventual post-sex fadeaway is 10x more painful. He might even stick around for casual sex for a while, but because of his latent Madonna/whore thing, it'll be hard if not impossible to force yourself back into the relationship category. My theory about guys like this is that they actually aren't ready for sex themselves, but don't feel empowered to actually say 'no' or ask to take it slow. Instead they have sex earlier than they're comfortable with, feel ambivalent and bad about it, and take it out on you. It's all tied up with complicated feelings about gender roles and what men and women "should" do in a relationship. if you want to try and salvage something, I would take him out to dinner and tell him you really enjoyed hanging out with him, but that you think things moved too quickly and that you'd like to back off the sex and get to know each other a little bit. Then, you actually have to impose the no-sex rule, because he sure as heck isn't going to...even though it will probably make him more comfortable, and therefore way less likely to freak on you and bail. But honestly, just typing that out made me kind of depressed. My best advice is to move on and find some awesome free spirit who will have sex with you on the first date and not have any hang-ups about it at all. Those guys exist, and they are mostly better at communication, and in bed.

Now with him inviting me on a group outing (which is not a booty-call) is he moving me into the friendzone? No, he's keeping you in the friends-with-benefits-zone that you've been in this whole time. If that works for you, then keep it up, but if he wanted an actual relationship, you'd know it. Also, if he wanted an actual relationship, you wouldn't have gone a month without seeing him. This was a booty call. The group outing is a booty call, because he figured out when exactly he could fit you into his schedule and the group ride was what he came up with. Chances are pretty good he'll want to have sex afterward. If you're okay with that, then go for it, but if you want more, you may want to look elsewhere. Like I say, if he wanted more, there'd be more. There isn't.

You sound a bit... um, I hate to use this word, but hysterical. Like, breathless and wrapped up and examining his every move for hidden meaning and OMG and what did it mean when he touched his eyebrow...!? I'm not hating on you. I've been there myself. I suggest that the first thing you do is just calm down. He'll either be The One (whatever that means) or not. The relationship will go where it goes. No amount of analyzing or our opinions will make any difference. Only time will tell. (I know it sucks, having to wait, but there's really no other way to know.) So, I would suggest that you just take a step back from all of this and involve yourself in something completely absorbing for a few days (go camping or watch a marathon of a new show or work on an art project or something) and then just see where this goes from a better mental place. There's no way to know his intentions without asking him; asking him may not work because many people aren't good at identifying or communicating feelings. He may want what you want when you decide you want it. He may not. It may change. The very act of asking him what he wants and telling him what you want may influence it. Basically the only way to know is to see what happens. So... distract yourself with something positive, communicate clearly with him, and see where it goes.

This is why I'd date a divorced so-so looking 40yo over a single good looking 39yo any day. If a guy in his 40s is good looking, successful and wants to get married but isn't married yet and has never been married, he's not going to get married. Why? Because if he really did want to, he'd be married already! I've seen it happen too many times. I happened to me! (I was 28 and he was a 40yo investment banker... SUCH a cliche!) And when they finally do settle down, it is with a young, pretty, confident woman who doesn't put too many emotional demands on him. Such is life. He sounds like he's good at keeping his distance, so let him distance himself right out of your life. If a relationship is going to build, it builds in obvious, predictable ways. And if he shows up after 1 month of silence, he's all "oh my god I'm so sorry, that was rude, can I make it up to you" not "hey whats up." You want to get married but this guy ain't it.

Anything anyone here tells you is just speculation. The only way to know his intentions is just to ask him if he's interested in having an exclusive relationship and all that entails.

He threw in some mild, almost comical complements--"I like that you don't wear perfume!" & "Your skin is so soft, do you drink a lot of water?"--I mention this because I guess I'm used to more passionate, (I don't know, poetic?) complements from my suitors. Dean is just more of a guys-guy I guess. This is funny because I briefly dated a booty call man a while back who paid me weird compliments like that whilst making out, along with acting in all the other ways your guy did. He also did the thing where he says up front that he's looking for a long term relationship (and what do you know, so was I! What a coincidence). I feel like the guys who act like this must've read those techniques somewhere. And I was also not so long past a breakup and had no idea how to date. have I overreacted and this is actually a totally healthy pace for mature relationships? Nope, you're not overreacting. I also experienced this same feeling during the time when I dated the similar guy - I felt like maybe I'd been out of the loop, that maybe this was how adults dated, and maybe I needed to get with the program and up my game or something stupid like that. No, it's not you, it's him. It sounds like this is just what he does. I guess I have a romantic idea that when 2 people are meant to be "you just know" right away, and are gushing over each other from day 1 all the way through the first couple years..is that stupid? There's no such thing as "meant to be." You never know. You could think for a while you're "meant to be" with someone and then decide years later that the whole thing was a terrible mistake. You can feel really awesome with someone for a couple months before the whole thing crashes and burns. I don't mean to sound pessimistic - I'm not, really - but emotions are crazy things. I think the best thing to do is listen to the little voices that keep telling you something's not quite right here, and that this guy is more of a lady charmer than a potential boyfriend who is interested in actual intimacy rather than just sleeping with you.

You're receiving responses which attempt to define both your interaction with Dean and its potential, but the reality is, these are merely anecdotal, and, as such, can't and won't accurately define it all for you. For example, my personal experiences counter those of others - I was involved in a, "relationship" in which the parameters were clearly defined within hours - exclusive, and with a view to a long-term future - it lasted two weeks. Another, the parameters were fuzzy - exclusive FWB's with an agreed upon but undisclosed expiry date? "Other"? We still have no idea what label we should have attributed to what we were engaged in, but it evolved organically into a conventional committed relationship. My point is, emotions and relationships are messy and complicated at times, and as much as we'd all like obvious parameters and predictable outcomes, it's a crapshoot.