The Couch is Not a Bed, Right?

You're absolutely right to be aggravated. Hey, there's nothing wrong with falling asleep in front of the TV. Everybody does it now and then. However, your situation makes it sound like your significant other needs to put on his big boy pants and be a grown-up. If you're an adult and you need to be up at a certain time, you go to bed on time and set an alarm. You brush your teeth and take care of whatever needs to be done and turn off the tube. What he's doing is fine if he's a teenager or a retiree... but he's neither. Definitely tell him how you feel and don't be afraid to talk tough just a bit- "hey, you're being a bit irresponsible, it's aggravating me, and it's a totally easy thing to fix... I need your help and responsibility here." One last thing... at the end you mention just "sitting back and letting him experience the consequences." I wouldn't recommend that. It feels passive aggressive to me- if you love someone, why passively watch as they do something dumb, just so you can say "ha, told you so" later? Step up and call them on it. You totally should!

He needs to walk the dog, do dishes sometimes, and meet your "other" needs before 10:30, period. Those sound like problems wherever he sleeps. Then just decline invitations to watch movies that will go past 10:30. I think it would be fine to express a preference on remaining details like where he sleeps and when he brushes his teeth, but those don't sound like the key issues here (though good dental hygiene is certainly worth it on many levels).

Husbunny and I have a nightly ritual. At around 10 we get into bed, with the cats for 'pride time'. We all hang out, in a darkened room and watch fluffy TV until we're sleepy. For us, about 40 minutes or so. Since you don't like TV, how about reading in bed time. The idea is that all the little chores are done prior to 'pride time' and once you're in bed, you determine how that time will be spent. Everyone negotiates this for him or herself. If it makes your morning better, set his alarm, wake him up from the sofa. It's not mothering, it's caring. Also, it's in your self-interest. I have found in my marriage that I can try to get my husband to grow up and do X, Y and Z, and be frustrated with the failure because Husbunny's brain doesn't work that way. Or, I can do X, Y and Z, and reap the benefits of no hassle and peace and harmony. In the end, is X, Y and Z so very hard to do? Not really. Yes, I'm a different generation than you are, but I'm a very happy person and I don't feel taken advantage of. I view doing these small things for Husbunny as a way of showing him my love for him. What I've found is that the more I show my love, the more loved I feel in return.

Every night?! Is there a nearby college dorm he can move to? He might fit in better there. But seriously, I think it's fair to sit down and have an adult conversation about sharing household responsibilities and allowing his girl her goddess-given right to (cue music) lovin' and kissin' and huggin' and squeezin' from her man. If you determine that television is more important to him than you are, well that may adjust your perspective on things.

Sometimes it's easier to fall asleep somewhere you're not "supposed" to, whereas being in your own bed waiting for sleep just leads to rumination, anxiety, and teeth-grinding insomnia. Does he have any problems like that?

Like the others have said, I would try to separate some of the issues. You can also ask him what he suggests to solve the problem: 1. You can organize (take turns or whatever) that one of you does the dishes / puts away the food right after dinner. 2. You can forget about the task of locking the door and turning off the lights. You can do this before you go to bed (these are really easy - unless you have a huge house). 3. You can make a plan about who walks the dog each night. Take turns or whatever. If he can not take his turn, maybe you need to find another loving family for the dog. 4. He is an adult. Let him decide where he sleeps. You can tell him that you are sad not to go to sleep in the same bed as him, but it is his decision. 5. He is an adult. Let him decide to brush his teeth or not. You can tell him that you find it gross and it makes him less attractive to you. 6. If he falls asleep while you are watching a movie together, you can tell him how that makes you feel. You can also propose other activities or starting movies earlier. 7. You write: "I think he truly needs 7-8 hours of sleep." Let him, as an adult, decide how much sleep he needs. If he is in a bad mood or mean in the morning, you can tell him how that makes you feel. You do not need to wake him up, nor do you need to make sure he gets somewhere on time. He is an adult. 8. You write: "it prevents closeness." Tell him how this makes you feel and what he is missing.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with rousing your sleeping SO from their sofa slumbers with a "hey, sleepyhead--it's time to walk the dog/do the dishes/come to bed." It's not mothering them. They're part of a team. Shit needs to get done.

I think he truly needs 7-8 hours of sleep Why do you have an opinion on how much sleep he needs? Two, I end up with more housework, left to "close up" the house — lock the door, walk the dog, turn off the lights and make sure there's not food left out in the kitchen everynight. Ask him to make sure this gets done. It's up to him to figure out how. You can ask people to address your needs. You can't tell them how to do it.

What we do in our house is go to 'bed' when the earlier sleeper wants to and hang out there. So, when he says 'ok, bedtime' we tidy up, brush teeth etc and go cuddle in the bed. We snuggle, watch a movie if we want to, whatever. And then when he says he's ready for sleep, I either am ready too by then, or I am not. So I go back out into the living room, read, play on the Internet, whatever, and then I come back to bed when I get tired. If I waited to come to bed until I was tired, I would miss out on all that together time. So I just treat the 'bed' time and the 'sleep' time as separate activities. Bed time is for cuddling and being intimate together, and sleep time is for sleeping. If they occur consecutively, great, but if not, that is okay too. I can treat bedtime as an activity in the evening, not as going to sleep. I do return to the bed for sleeping though, unless somebody is sick and going to keep the other one up all night with the coughing...