Toddler not adapting to new age-group room at daycare.

First. Tell your daughter you love her, you want her to feel safe and comfortable. Ask her what you can do to help her feel that way. She may not be able to articulate what she needs, but hearing that you care about her feelings will be important. She needs to know that you are on her team, and that you're not trying to make her miserable. She needs to know (even if she can't understand) that you can't fix everything, but you'll try, and that you will stick up for her. This needs to be true for the long term, and constantly reinforced with action (rather than just words). Kids will not just assume it to be true. Maybe the room is too cold or too warm. Maybe a staff member is being a jerk. Maybe the kids are all bigger and more articulate and know each other in that obvious chummy way so they hang out together and ignore her. Maybe another kid is being a jerk and none of the staff members are helping or acknowledging. Maybe your daughter is having a growth spurt, which makes kids into little assholes sometimes and needy whiny terrified kids other times. Maybe she's developed an ear infection? Which, omg, they don't call kids disease vectors for no reason. New batch of germy kids...worth checking out. It could also be that a staff member gives her the weirds. She may not be able to point out why, but something may be off. Worst case, a staff member is doing something inappropriate to or near your daughter, visiting the center and expressing concern to them (without making any accusations) will indicate that this child is cared for and defended and may encourage an adult to back off. Holding poo is about control. And usually kids doing super control stuff feel like they don't have control over something else that is important to them. Maybe she really misses a particular toy. Maybe it's, like I said, a creepy adult. Could be the food is different, or the potty is different. Could be anything. Finally, while all of the above are certainly potential issues that could be causing this, it might be a feedback loop at this point. She screams and you cuddle her. This is the way life should be at 2, 3, 10. And yet. It makes me wonder if there is a chance she is getting enough of the positive attention that she wants when she isn't screaming? What is enough varies by kid, by age, and what else is going on in their lives. So the old adage of reward what you want and try to ignore what you don't is not what I am going to suggest here, but maybe sprinkle more rewards in when she is fine, along with the snuggles when she's obviously having a hard time.

Prechool/toddler teacher here. Put her back in the other room for a few more months if you can, but you are probably not doing lasting harm if you don't. Toddlers advance and mature so quickly, there are many instances where you can have a major struggle over something the child is not interested in or developmentally unready for or you can let her mature a little and have it be less of an ordeal. Giving her more time to mature is not being overly accommodating, it's recognizing that you have tiny person who has a hard time with concepts we take for granted because she's only been on this earth for less than three years. The oldest of my charges are turning three this month, and there is such a huge difference between two and 3/4 and three. Many of the children who were nightmares at two and 3/4 are way better at expressing themselves and have way less breakdowns now that they are three. There is a good chance you are not getting the full story from the teachers. There is a huge pressure put on teachers to downplay the negative aspects of a child's day. Ask one of the oldest children about it if you can. There is a chance your child is mostly doing this behavior with you, I have had many children that act completely differently around their parents than they do at school. She could be acting this way at school and not around you, but there's really very little way to know. Unless you can observe without your child knowing you are there it would be useless, as she her behavior will be different. Also the teachers will be acting differently. If you really, really want to know what's happening even though this might sound a little nuts, maybe you could find something that records audio and hide it in her cubby. The teachers should already have a plan in action if the older children are repetitively taking your children's things. "Talking to them" really won't do anything unless there is a plan involved. Make sure to give your child the vocabulary in those situations, it can be simple like "I'm using this! Find something else!" What is the ratio of teachers to children in the room? The teachers' education? The pedagogy the school follows? The vaguer it is the more likely that it's inconsistent, poorly defined and open to distortion by less apt teachers. I'm not trying to shit on your school in particular but I feel like most parents don't understand the reality/horror of the wildly unregulated state of Early Child Education in most places (don't know about canada) You keep implying that maybe she was spoiled a little bit in the other room. Which is better, being a little spoiled or sleepless anxiety? There will be plenty of time for the harsh realities of life when kindergarten comes around. Right now she's two. It's ok. DO NOT go back to the diaper. The poop thing will work itself out. The more you fuss over it the more anxiety it will cause, so just let it go for now. She's probably not hurting herself, it's not worth stressing over. Good luck! This age has its challenges, and they surface in unexpected ways. Sorry if any of this sounded harsh, I've had a long day with the monsters and my brain is a little fried. Feel free to PM me with any early childhood/preschool questions.

We had a similar situation with a new daycare, around the same age. We were thinking boundary pushing as well, until my husband saw something disturbing. He was picking up our toddler when he saw the woman (private house daycare, sole owner) not exactly hit but forcefully and viciously yank another toddler for not responding to a request to stop playing with some trains within a second (which, as I am sure you know, is a completely unrealistic expectation for toddlers). Of course, there is no way to know whether something like this is going on if you are there to observe (my husband was able to see this through a basement window, by accident). I would say a sudden change in behavior, coupled with your instinct, is a cause for concern.

My girl is terrified of the 3yr olds who are sometimes brought over to her room as number of kids dwindles in the later afternoon. They're bigger, faster, more coordinated, and utterly ruthless. I'd put 50% on this being the case for your little. Even though she's not giving you info, maybe try getting it indirectly while drawing or playing. Asking if there's something she likes about her new room, then if there's something she doesn't like. If there are big kids in the room and then whether or not she's a big kid. Are big kids funny? Are big kids scary? That sort of stuff. The other 50% could be a different teaching style in the room that's thrown her. Might not be the lead teacher - could be an assistant in the room for only one part of the day. We learned the hard way that the various personalities at my girl's center are...varied. There's one teacher who makes a big deal out of bowel movements ("EW! This is so gross! What did you EAT?!") and that necessitated a sharp conversation. Another was banning thumb-sucking without asking if parents were trying to control that - more than one parent stopped that. It goes on. The thing is, you probably aren't going to catch this in a formal or even surprise observation. This is the kind of thing that pops up almost spontaneously, generally when everyone's least expecting to be in the same place at the same time, even if the caregiver thinks it's a totally normal thing for them to do. So...I'd have similarly indirect conversations with your little about the teachers and the different ways they do things. Maybe try to compare between a loved teacher from the old room - "does Ms. 3-4 do potty time the same as Ms. 2?" in a cheerful, curious tone miiiight net you an answer, but, if not, you can still drop little questions into a playtime session and catch her attention span off guard and get an answer that way. But keep it light and not intense at all. I would talk to her frankly about feeling scared/worried/nervous to go to bed and poop, though. And empower her in whatever way you can - extra choices for controlling clothes, food, activities (all within limits - just making like one extra allowance per thing, maybe) - along with inviting her to share her opinions on things that you then take seriously. I've found that approaching discussion of emotions works best with acting out what that looks like, bringing up things that make you feel the same way (that don't make you seem like you could be out of control or anything other than a safe harbor), and anything the two of you have already identified makes her feel that way. Putting words to the way she feels might be a big help, in and of itself. I don't know if that's going to work, but, dang, I feel for y'all. All those extra hugs and the compassionate approach is probably going to be the best way to make it through. Good luck.

But hey, that's life; we all have to grow up, right? Not when we're 2.75 years old. It could be nothing dire, but even so, I'm glad you're putting her back in the old room. It's a very different experience being one of the oldest vs one of the youngest in the room, especially at that age when development differences are so enormous. (I don't imagine that you'll learn much from observation if you're in the room. The dynamic won't be the same. She'll know if you're there, and so will the teachers and other kids.)

Can you take a day off and observe her in the daycare? Talk to the other parents and ask about the dynamics in the room or their opinions of the caretakers? Talk to the caretakers about the same thing?

Couple of other thoughts I had- is she eating enough at lunch? Our son has always been super picky but became even more so after moving up to the new room. Now I send either mac & cheese or chicken nuggets, with some fruits, every day without trying for more variety or for healthier lunches. He'll eat those things, and there is a big difference in his evening behavior/mood when he's eaten enough during the day. Also, does she need to be in a crib? She is probably old enough for a toddler bed or for one of the crib walls to be taken down. You could try giving her more autonomy in the bed time process if she doesn't need to be physically put into the crib. We took a crib side down back in January, so now the crib is open on one side, the mattress is at the lowest setting, and our son can get in and out of it himself, he really likes being able to do it himself.

Don't discount paying a visit. It is really not possible for a teacher to change the underlying dynamics or her/his personal style of doing things in a group of kids. If she is disorganized, it will show. If she is harsh or overly regimented, you'll see it. I have learned a LOT about teachers suitability for my kids in just 20 minute visits to classrooms. At this young age though, it would be easiest if your kiddo doesn't know you are there, but it might be worth a visit even if she does.

I don't have specific advice on daycare, but I know that my son went through a similar transformation at about that same age, with no significant life changes. It may just be that the combination of age plus a significant life change is causing your child to try to control everything else. Before she may have always felt like the queen of the world, towering over the other smaller children in her life, and now she may feel like everyone is bigger than her, and the only place where she can be in charge is at home.