I need tips for surviving a really hard breakup. With children.

What can I tell myself about the future besides "I am going to have to think about this person every day for years and years, and somehow come to terms with the fact that I will never have the happy little family life I got so attached to this past year or so"? One day, not super soon but not endlessly far into the future either, you're going to stop caring about him and what he does. I know that's hard to believe now, and I know that it really, REALLY hurts. I think this is one of those situations where you are just going to have to feel the pain until it ends, but it WILL end. Every chunk of time makes it better after a sudden shock - a night, a week, a month, three months, six months, a year. You JUST got that phone call last night. It is excruciatingly painful to find out someone you love is involved with someone else. It's only been one night since you found out about that. Tomorrow will be just the slightest bit better. Next week will be just the slightest bit better than that. Don't panic. You won't feel this bad forever.

First, you have a bitter ex-boyfriend who feels wronged and has developed a penchant for cruelty. And his phone just happened to pocket dial you right as he and his girlfriend were getting giggly and sexy, right? I'm sure he in no way meant for that to happen. Second, given the abrupt change in personality it is quite likely he is using and/or totally off his meds. Why do you need him to have a happy family life? Would you really want this guy to be your kids' main male influence anyway? The future you envisioned is one that never existed. Instead of regretting not having him in your life, perhaps spin it around and think about how thankful you are that you never got married and you're now free to find a good partner who gives you the respect and love you deserve.

Last thought: it might help if YOU break up with HIM in your own mind. Like instead of this position where he broke up with you and you still have these dreams of being happy together, and maybe he will change his mind if you are perfect enough, YOU end it in your own mind. You decide this is no longer something you want. Put it away and start on new hopes.

P.S. Now that this guy is out of your life, you have the option of having the perfect family with the right partner. With this guy, the perfect family was never possible. He's done you a HUGE favor by exiting the relationship. Now, your dreams can come true. Before with him in the picture? No. It was never going to happen. You are very very fortunate right now. Breathe. Breathe.

I'm really sorry too. I think you should definitely give one of the places above a call. Since I have nothing else to offer by way of help, I suggest that you just focus on the fact that it's very clear, from your writing, that despite whatever glimmers of goodness are in him he is simply not a candidate for having a long-term, stable relationship with, and the best you can hope for is probably an amicable father relationship for your kids. That is not your fault, that is all about him. You tried, and it did not work, not because of you, but because of him. You never had control over this, so don't feel like you've suddenly lost control. His problems predated you. Even if there is a new girlfriend, she is not a person to envy because she is likely in a naive and hopeful place with him, which you have good reason to expect will ultimately be disappointing. You will find a lot more happiness than this in life. Try to count yourself lucky that you had the courage to set a boundary and not let things get much,much worse for you and your kids. I'm very sorry you have someone like this to deal with, but I think that with support and counseling through one of the services above - and also for whatever you can line up for November when your insurance kicks in -you will be able to do very well. See if you can make an appointment now for November. Sometimes just knowing you have that lifeline in the future - and it's only 6 weeks or so - can really help deal with the day to day.

Counselors are great, but I think you need that plus a social worker. Someone who knows what the resources are and how to access them efficiently. In Florida we have programs that will bring social workers into homes to teach parenting skills to families with kids of all ages. They can help you address all of your questions. The key words you want (like a secret handshake) are Family Preservation. When you talk to people you want to be honest and use phrases "persistent stress" "low income" "concerned about my baby's development" "father has a history of drug and alcohol abuse" "father has a documented psychological condition and has been prescribed medication." This is not the time to downplay what is going on. If he stops taking his meds, tell people. These links won't guarantee to get your husband back involved in your kids lives at a level you are hoping for. But they will get you pointed in a direction. Some of these services may require you be referred in from CPS (I avoided giving you information about Human Resources Team, because they're for families whose kids are at imminent risk of removal from the home.) Some services may allow self referral. Call them all and find out. Some of these services will help you apply for SNAP (food stamps) benefits and other assistance. Some will provide counseling with a specific parenting focus. Some are affiliated with religious institutions but can't discriminate in who they help. http://www.azdhs.gov/phs/owch/women/healthstart.htm is for pregnant and post-partum women with a child under three. In Florida they allow self referral. Your child's pediatrician can refer you as well. Children age out of this program at 3 years. A list of http://pipertrust.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/Maricopa-Family-Support-Agency-Description-Contact-Info-3-13-13.pdf Agencies. This list appears to have been updated in March. Some of the resources I list below may be duplicated on this PDF. This is the website for http://www.mycommunitypt.com/arizona/index.php?option=com_cpx&task=search.query&geo_county=Maricopa&code=PH-2360.2350. It has a lot of drug treatment stuff on it, don't let that discourage you. I found the http://www.mycommunitypt.com/arizona/index.php/component/cpx/?task=resource.view&id=420707&search_history_id=21742180, it is unclear whether CPS has to refer to the them. Either way, they won't care if you're not Jewish. Here's . has at least one program that might be helpful. http://azpartnershipforchildren.org/parentsAsTeachers.htm looks like Health Start but goes until 5 years old instead of three. Getting into both programs might give you some overlap, but also some additional resources. Think of the overlap as reinforcement. Because you are receiving support, it is likely that you went through the "Domestic Relations Education on Children's Issues" http://www.superiorcourt.maricopa.gov/SuperiorCourt/FamilyCourt/Services/ConciliationServices/ParentInformationProgram/index.asp already, so maybe someone there can offer you some advice or point you in the direction of additional resources. In the event that your ex ever becomes physically violent toward you or the kids, I give you this list. http://www.azdps.gov/Services/Crime_Victims/servicesByCounties/maricopa.asp Crime Victim Services. If you are in another county, you can google that plus Crime Victim Services and probably find a similar list. I've had to search for all of this information in Maricopa County before, for someone else. If you have any other questions about what might be available in Arizona, drop me a memail and I'll see what I can find.

One last thing... NEVER EVER EVER EVER WRITE ANYTHING YOU WOULD NOT WANT A JUDGE IN COURT TO READ. I'm referring to text messages and emails. But do keep in mind that your ex (and you) can use your smart phone to record every conversation. So maybe don't say anything you wouldn't want a judge to hear, too? Yes. I think it is good policy for you to be very careful from here on out. Frankly. I think your ex is manipulative and he has an agenda on some level. I think you need to depersonalize this whole situation ASAP. The sooner you are immune to his button pushing, the better for you and your children. Don't beat yourself up over your reaction last night! Just next time he pulls something, see through it and don't get upset, don't take the bait. Best to you.

Also -- somehow come to terms with the fact that I will never have the happy little family life I got so attached to this past year or so"? It sounds like a portion of what you are grieving is not HIM but having a happy stable family life. Like not only is he gone but the chance of you having that is up in smoke. I think once you get your feet under you more, and you slowly build that for yourself, you won't need to grieve that anymore because you will have it. That will take away part of your burden. To be perfectly honest, he doesn't sound like he had that in him to give, anyway. He was able to keep it up for, what, less than a year? It's easy to build a lot of hope on potential and hard to give up on hope when it feels like a lot was riding on it. It's hard but you can replace it gradually with other things. About the furnishings, if there's anything you don't need-need - like decorations, knick-knacks, etc, I'd say go ahead and get rid of it.

Block them both on FB. Give yourself time and space to grieve without fresh new wounds. Remember you can always unblock later, if that helps make the decision to block them now. They won't get any notification that you've blocked them; they won't see you any more, so may guess at it, but right now it's your emotional health that matters. It will also be a bonus since they wouldn't be able to use anything gleaned from FB against you in court. Take care, and see if you can make that therapy appointment in November. Ask if you can negotiate rates, you don't need to qualify for public assistance to ask.