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How to not get upset if my partner sees my friends' news before me?

  • A few times, my partner has seen news (on Facebook mostly) from friends such as my siblings and their partners, before I have. I get very upset when this happens. Is this irrational? Is there any good way to cope with it? I live overseas from my family and childhood friends and none of us call or email each other all that often, though I feel fairly up to date with what's happening in their lives. Facebook is a big part of this, though I'm no big fan of social networks. We live fairly close to my partner's family - they talk a lot on the phone and see each other a fair bit. A while back, my partner told me (having read on Facebook) that my sister and her partner were planning a big overseas trip - which, by deduction, might include a visit to our part of the world. I was pretty upset to learn this from my partner. At the time, it felt that the delivery was at the same time glib, and also like a form of point scoring ('I know something you don't!'), though I doubt it was intended this way. I tried to explain why I was upset at hearing this secondhand, this came out as anger, and we ended up arguing about it. On another occasion, I had seen, but not yet read, a lengthy post from a childhood friend who doesn't post very often. I was looking forward to reading it when I had a moment - but my partner told me happily what was in it. At this point, I asked that my partner please not tell me about any posts from my family and friends; I'd rather read them firsthand. But this hasn't made me feel any better. There have been occasions when I've seen my partner has already commented on a friend's post. It makes me sad to feel I'm coming late to the party. Today my partner said a simple 'oh' when I relayed a significant item of news from my brother, having already (I later realised) seen the news on Facebook, and feeling unsure how to handle it. It makes me sad that me and my partner don't now share this news and discuss it - a situation I've created. I think my partner thinks it's totally irrational of me to be upset by receiving news later, or secondhand. Perhaps it is? Or perhaps my discontent is just a consequence of the tensions involved in sharing personal information in a semi-public arena? Do other people experience this too? Would appreciate hearing about people's thoughts on this, any ideas for strategies or actions I should take - or how to just feel less sad about this. Thanks

  • Answer:

    I'm getting the feeling that this might be related to being far away from your family and also not being in close contact with them. I live far away from my family too, and when I find out stuff via FB, instead of in a more personal way, I feel shitty. This is because 1) it makes me feel even more far away when I find out when everyone else does, and.2) it reminds me that I am terrible at making phone calls and initiating personal contact myself and I've probably brought this on myself. It makes me feel alienated. If this sounds in any way familiar, I'd suggest trying to reach out to family members outside of social media, one on one in order to forge closer relationships. Alternatively, the suggestion to get a smart phone and have it ping when there are posts might help you be more on top of things. You might not be a fan of social media, but in this scenario you need to either embrace it and work with it, or bypass it and communicate in other ways proactively. And yeah, this isn't your partners fault so it's important to find out what's really the cause of these feelings and then do something about it.

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If you want to see stuff at the same time/before your partner does then you need to spend more time on Facebook. Personally, I think "getting over it" is easier. Yes, I think you are being irrational over this. What, exactly, is your partner supposed to do differently? Not mention anything about your family unless you bring it up first?

It's Never Lurgi

It might feasibly be reasonable for you to upset that, say, your sister didn't let you know about her trip before posting on Facebook (although that one doesn't really... but maybe for various big, personal news), but it is irrational and cruel to take it out on your Partner for happening to get to Facebook first.

brainmouse

If you express this upset to anyone, it should be to people who share things publicly instead of directly with you, when you want to be 'the first to know'. It sounds like you want to be more closely involved with your family and friends, instead of merely one of the group that gets public news - why not start emailing them or calling them? It is certainly not your partners fault that people are making information public rather than telling you in person, and refusing to talk about anything that they learn from facebook instead of through you sounds awkward and childish.

jacalata

Is this irrational? Yep. Is there any good way to cope with it? Consider your partner a valid vector for information about your family and be interested when they provide it.

yeah, I get a weird feeling about this. You being angry at your partner for this doesn't really make a lot of sense. Are you jealous of your partner getting some attention from people who are supposed to be "yours"? Maybe think about it from the flip side? What would it be like if you were to think, "I'm so glad I have a partner who can be friends with my friends and family. It's nice to see them interact without me having to facilitate."

dawkins_7

"I think my partner thinks it's totally irrational of me to be upset by receiving news later, or secondhand. Perhaps it is?" YES. "Or perhaps my discontent is just a consequence of the tensions involved in sharing personal information in a semi-public arena?" You need to follow the thought process and give thought to why it bothers you. Is it that you feel less important by not finding out news first? Regardless, the issue has nothing to do with your partner.

2oh1

This is an irrational reaction. You can either make it your business to be on FB 24/7 to prevent missing new news and getting the first comment/like registered, or you can investigate what's really bothering you. Partner is engaged and interested in your family and friends and wants to share that with you and you respond with getting angry, being weirdly territorial about semi-public info, and fighting. The bigger issue in my mind is that you're getting most of your interaction with family and friends via FB status updates. I can see why that's not fulfilling your need for sharing on a directly personal level. FB is not enough for you and getting mad at your partner about that isn't fair or appropriate. Apologize to partner and find a way to carve out some time for more catching up with friends and family via phone/facetime/skype/email/google hangouts.

quince

I think what's bothering you is not that your partner read your sister's plans about her trip first; but that your sister didn't call you to tell you she was visiting your neck of the woods. I would be upset about this too. You want to feel like you matter more to her than her random FB friends do, and that she would want to connect with you about her plans. So would I. I'd be really hurt if my close friends or family did this. But don't take it out on your partner for reading FB more than you do. That's not where the problem lies.

fingersandtoes

http://ask.metafilter.com/human-relations I was looking forward to reading it when I had a moment - but my partner told me happily what was in it. At this point, I asked that my partner please not tell me about any posts from my family and friends; I'd rather read them firsthand. But this hasn't made me feel any better. There have been occasions when I've seen my partner has already commented on a friend's post. It makes me sad to feel I'm coming late to the party. Today my partner said a simple 'oh' when I relayed a significant item of news from my brother, having already (I later realised) seen the news on Facebook, and feeling unsure how to handle it. It makes me sad that me and my partner don't now share this news and discuss it - a situation I've created. Right, so pick one. Do you want your partner to share knowledge of family news with you or not? You're unhappy with your partner when she/he tells you, and you're unhappy with your partner when she/he doesn't tell you. Back up, though, it sounds to me like you're really peeved that your friends and family share things semi-publicly before contacting you personally. It's okay to be not-thrilled with the brand new world of disseminating personal news via Facebook, but why are you mad at your partner for...seeing what they share? Since you do have an active account, it's not unreasonable for your family and friends to assume that you're in the loop regarding whatever they post. If it's important to you to be more current than your partner with what your own family is sharing...then that it is totally within your power. Being jealous of your partner is kind of like shooting the messenger. If you want more familial intimacy than what they're offering on FB, you've got a world of non-social-media technology at your disposal to help you out with that. Pick up the phone to say hi or schedule some Skype time with your far-flung relatives/friends to get more of the scoop.

desuetude

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