Dealing with distance when I want constant contact and he doesn't

Be busy with your own life.

I was in a relationship until recently, with a person who wanted -- nay, needed and insisted on -- daily contact, without exception. Me, I grew up fairly independently with a distant, not very communicative family; by way of example, I talk to my mother once every few months, my sister every few years, and my best friend in another state and I talk in bursts, then nothing for months on end...even though we all like and love and care about each other very much. So quite extreme opposites. Those are my bona fides for this response. Now, first: let me say that a person like me can change, at least somewhat. In response to her needs, once I understood them, I worked hard to reach out every day, in writing via text or email at the very least. It took a while, and at first it felt ridiculous and unnecessary, but over time I developed the habit at her behest, and I even started talking with my mother and my best friend a great deal more (well, relatively anyway.) Some other friends of mine have even expressed that I contact them too damn much (seeing as how they're a lot like me, that shouldn't be a surprise, but once I'd developed the habit it seemed odd not to do it with everyone.) Second: let me say that it might not solve the underlying problem. You see, daily contact was what she needed, and I worked very hard to be that kind of person, but if I didn't talk to her for one day -- just once -- it was a Big Dealtm, and over time I realized that even daily contact wasn't going to be enough; the deeper trust and confidence issues were being placated, not addressed. You can't solve deep problems with shallow patchwork, and it got so bad that I found myself wondering why my friends weren't upset if I missed contacting them one day out of thirty. It was making me quite neurotic, trying to feed that underlying need, and I'm still shaking off the yoke of that. So, I'd say that in the short term you can ask him to ramp it up, and he can certainly develop that habit -- and that may be what you want -- but what you really need is to ask him to ramp it up to a level that's closer to what you want, but not totally what you want, and then you need to work to develop comfort with that. He'll be a better person for being more communicative, you'll be a better person for having confidence in your relationships in the absence of constant contact, and -- with or without each other -- you'll be better people individually. With luck, you'll meet in the middle, or you'll both realize that you need to be with people who are more like yourselves, and that's okay too. Good luck.

Your boyfriend sounds wonderful and IMO you're being very selfish. You both have different preferences, you expressed your need for daily contact and he accommodated you but then you completely disregarded his preference, you're not compromising at all, you want to send multiple texts and emails per day so you do, and you admit that he does reply to some of them so again, he's giving in to your preference. He's giving you as much as he can, you're expecting too much of him. If you liked the once per day voice message then stop texting and emailing him all day. He presumably still has his own life to lead while you're away.

I went through this a while back with Partner. We wouldn't talk for weeks at a time whilst the other was traveling. I wasn't bothered. She was very bothered. The solution was in what we were communicating. Rather than long conversations at awkward times, we started using a variety of media. I would send her photos of things that reminded me of her throughout the day. Every now and then, I would sit down and record a three or five minute video about something I was doing that I thought she would enjoy. She had her own way. Tagging me in Facebook photos as the food at meals she enjoyed, for example. If you relax your expectations of what the communication has to be, there's lots of ways a couple can make keeping in touch both non-intrusive and fun.

You say you send "lots of text messages and emails throughout the day", and that while he responds to most of your mesages you think he should ALSO be initiating even MORE messages.... I've got to agree with missmagenta: you're being very selfish, because honestly, it sounds like the level of constant contact you want is overwhelmingly smothering. You say he dislikes written communication and that "he doesn't reply to half of my emails", but it also sounds like you don't give him the time to do it (in his own time) before you bury him under an avalanche of NEW texts and emails. Try this: put down your phone. Send him ONE email a day, one text, and no more than one photo. (Oh, and re: having been unable to talk to one of your parents for 'months at a time' as a small child; my own father was totally unreachable, by ANY means, for about 60% of my first 16 years. And there are plenty of people who can tell you similar stories, but who don't require this kind of constant electronic handholding.)

Do I cut back on the number of messages that I send him? But earlier you said: I prefer to send lots of text messages and emails throughout the day The emphatic answer is yes; cut back. Your partner has stuff going on during his travels. And you should have more stuff going on with yours (the comment by empath is good). Otherwise you run the risk of burning out the relationship, of your partner becoming negative about the number of messages and starting to think of moving on to a more relaxed relationship. It's the quality of the communication that counts, not the quantity.

You have childhood abandonment issues, okay sure; but they are not your boyfriend's to fix. They are yours to fix. I want to underscore this. The primary job of a healthy, adult relationship is not to make up for what we did not receive as children; it is not to fill us up in the ways in which we are empty; it is not to redeem the lost promises and disappointed expectations of our pasts. This is not to say that your abandonment issues aren't real or legitimate; they most certainly are. But the place to work them out is with a therapist, which will allow you to develop greater confidence, self-soothing skills, ability to deal with the unknown, etc. Expecting your boyfriend (whether this one or any boyfriend in the future) to be the proxy for this will ultimately only sabotage the relationship, and/or keep you locked into an unhealthy dynamic. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003ZSISCQ/metafilter-20/ref=nosim/ is my go-to recommendation for exactly this sort of thing, and contains a discussion specifically of the ways in which fears of abandonment, if they're not dealt with separately, can play out in destructive ways in relationships.

Realize partners under these kind of expectations can/will simply walk away from such a relationship, because you show no flexibility and require high maintenance. Cut back on the frequency and find a friend/family member to thoroughly vent when that moment arises, and within reason of course.

Spend more time discussing this with your therapist and less time flooding your boyfriend with messages. If someone needed to constantly keep tabs on me I'd find it incredibly manipulative and controlling. That's not what you're trying to do, but that's how it would feel to me. He can't fix what is broken in you. Ten thousand text messages can't fix it. You can fix it with help from a mental health professional.