How do I get over wedding resentment and be civil?

I'd suggest that the important problem to solve isn't the one with this cousin, it's the one with your fiancé. Ok, this cousin likes to go clubbing and get wasted, and he's kind of a jerk, and he can be overbearing when it comes to making plans for other people. That's not actively a problem for you until your fiancé goes along with him. Your fiancé chooses to go clubbing with him. Your fiancé chooses to address the cousin's hostility toward you with, "yeah, he hates you..." rather than approaching him and saying, "you need to treat the woman I love with respect." And he chooses to treat you poorly after spending time with his cousin. The best way to cope with this kind of family/in-law situation is to team up with your partner and have him go to bat for you with his family (and under other circumstances, you do the same for him)--but first you have to have a willing teammate.

I think maybe you are reading too much into it. The cousin sounds like a gregarious guy who doesn't expect anything from you. He planned a wedding quickly and gave your fiance a suit. He can either wear it or not to your wedding, I don't even see how those things are related. It saves your fiance money. And maybe all the relatives will go to both weddings, or like you said, it may actually completely work out in your favor (if you are not that close) if they don't. It sounds like he really likes your fiance but doesn't have too much to do with you. That's ok, right? Nothing sounds malicious, evil or particularly unpleasant. You can talk about your own upcoming wedding or not, it's ok either way. (He doesn't seem like an easily offendable guy, reading into things a lot- obviously I don't know any of you!). Your wedding will be smaller and more intimate, that sounds nice. Please just enjoy both!

First, he does sound a bit of an ass, but the "wearing off" on your fiance and his subsequent bad treatment of you is ALL ON YOUR FIANCE. Second, get over the wedding date. You have no idea what prompted the date. Maybe his fiance's mom has six months to live. In any event, being engaged does not mean that weddings and life in general stop until you have "your special day." Also, unless the dinner jacket is royal blue or godawful, it is a: a generous gift b: has nothing to do with what your fiance wears to your own wedding and c: a nice way to think that maybe the two of you may enjoy elegant, formal dress events in the future. Which is not just about one (or two) wedding days. Focus on being your best self, and let this go.

Your fiancé's cousin, who you dislike, is having a wedding, and you are attending. That's all that's happening. This has literally nothing to do with you. Nothing. You say your fiancé doesn't get that his cousin is trying to compete with you guys by having this wedding now. Isn't it possible that your fiancé, who has known his cousin his entire life, is correct about his motivations, and you are wrong? Isn't it possible that you're the one being petty here? Go to the wedding because that's what you do when your fiancé's cousin gets married. Act how you act at weddings. None of this involves you except to the extent that you choose to become emotionally invested.

Your fiancé doesn't sound very mature, that he can be so easily "influenced" as you put it. This is a problem between you and your fiancé. Everyone is correct that you are now conflating things and blowing issues out of proportion, but I believe the resentment you feel is justified and started when cousin was openly rude and your boyfriend (now fiancé) didn't put the smack down on his cousin. Yes cousin is baiting you a bit and winning at it, but I get the feeling fiancé likes that you and cousin are "fighting" over him. It seems your fiancé doesn't put you first. In light of this, I believe you are best advised to rethink your future plans. This whole thing is immature and heartbreaking. I really understand your hurt and frustration. Don't turn yourself into a pretzel over this. The angrier you are, the more likely your buttons will get pushed and you'll look badly in front of everyone. I suggest that you not attend the wedding, but not over a tuxedo. I suggest you skip the wedding because it is assured that cousin will be rude to you, your fiancé will be rude to you - or they both will. What's your plan when that happens? If you do go to this event, don't drink.

nothing but one-upmanship towards my fiance My mother once called me out of the blue, demanding that I attend her Christmas party, and not her brother's. "Why don't you want me to go to Uncle John's?" "Because I don't want to go." "OK, then don't go." "But I want to see you." "Then I'll visit you, too. You live five minutes from each other." "No, because then I'll want to do a big Christmas party for you." "You don't have to do that." "If you're coming over, I want to." "Why don't you want to go to your brother's? You could see me AND not have to worry about throwing a big Christmas party." "Because then he'll WIN, all right?" And this is where I lost it on her. "Win? He'll win. Holy shit, are we in a game? What's the score now? What inning is it? Is it first down? Do I have the ball? Are there cheerleaders? How many timeouts do I have left?" This one-upmanship? It's in your head. If a five-year-old beats you at a game of checkers and then runs around the room jumping for joy, are you mad? No, you're not. Know why? Because. He's. Five. Years. Old. And checkers is a game. So, there's your plan. You're not playing a game, even if someone else is. And if they are, it's just a game. Besides, the wedding will go much easier if visualize the groom strutting around like an idiot screaming, "KING ME, MOTHERFUCKER!"

Add the word "wedding" to anything and all of the sudden any normally awkward interaction gets blown waaaay out of proportion. "What are some coping mechanisms for going to a rehearsal dinner and wedding big party of someone who actively dislikes me but is related to my fiance?" Such coping mechanisms include focusing your happiness on the happiness of the people at the party, being excited to see people there you know, talking to other people's fun uncles, sampling all the things there are to eat, partaking cheerfully and frequently of an open bar, marveling at pretty decorations, and deciding that the DJ, while cheesy and horribly retrograde in his taste, is well-intentioned and you might as well shake your booty a bit. "It always seems like cousin is trying to make everything into a competition with my fiance and my fiance isn't noticing." Girl, your fiance not noticing is the wise way to go about things. Don't play in this competition. Decide for your own sanity that there IS NO COMPETITION. All this wedding oneupmanship comes from your own values of what you've decided "wedding" automatically confers which are not universal. A wedding doesn't necessarily mean that you get a one-year berth around the day and anything within that timeframe deliberately steals your thunder. It doesn't mean that everything has to be absolutely new and unworn and anything else is an affront. Your wedding means that you and your fiance are going to be joined together in a happy union. All else is incidental. Your wedding is in the fall - use this time not to be suspicious of external forces but to plan and nurture the internal bond you're gonna be making to each other. There's probably tons of other stuff to stress yourself out about. Don't create your own monster here.

How do I get over wedding resentment and be civil? 1. Remember that eight months is plenty of time apart for important family to attend two weddings. 2. Your fiance thinks of him as a brother. That means a permanent, lifelong relationship that pre-dates you and will likely endure at least as long as your marriage does. If you have problems, they are with your fiance. If your fiance's cousin is rude to you, or if your fiance is not treating you well, or not standing up to you as needed to his own family, or is being unduly influenced by outside forces, this is a problem with your fiance. Unless you, too, care about your fiance's cousin as if he is your brother-in-law, what your fiance's cousin is like or how he spends his time or what he is doing is not your problem. 3. Your fiance can wear whatever he wants to your wedding: the gifted tuxedo, a rented one, a comped one, whatever. The fact that your mother is largely paying for your wedding has nothing to do with whether your fiance's cousin gave him the gift of a tuxedo. You are not entitled to the value of the gift of an expensive tuxedo in the form of a wedding present you would prefer to receive. It is a GIFT. (By the way, you are the only person who will care or notice what the "theme" of your wedding is.) 4. Your fiance's cousin has not shown any "disregard" for your wedding. NONE. If he shows up naked carrying sparklers during the vows, then, yeah, okay. 5. The fact that the budget of his wedding is six time the budget of yours is not a wrong being done to you. It does not mean that his wedding will be "tackier." It does not mean that he is better than you, or worse, or that your family and friends will love you more, or less. It is irrelevant. 7. I need to focus on smiling and staying in the background so as not to take away from the experience of the current bride and groom. Do not act like a martyr only as a way to draw more attention, praise or sympathy to yourself. Be a polite, warm, generous happy person while attending the wedding. That's it.

He gives your fiance a gift you don't really want, and somehow this is terrible? Why in the world would it matter if the tux for your wedding had already been worn to another event? Unless it gets ruined or something. And if it's not right for your wedding, you already said your fiance could get another tux or suit for free, so who cares? If this one's not the right one, get the right one at the wedding. My reading of the situation is that the cousin gave the tuxedo to the fiance as a wedding gift to the fiance and the OP, which the OP finds upsetting because a fancy tuxedo for their own wedding would have been unnecessary. I can see how a wedding gift that specifically excludes half the couple could feel offensive to the excluded party.